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up or down the hill? That's the question

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posted on Oct, 31 2009 @ 05:08 AM
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This rant is going to be one filled with self-pity... and that's ironic because self-pity is something I can't stand in others!

I have worked full time since I was 20 and became self employed 5 years ago. I made that choice because I hated working for a boss and I hated the fact that I did the hard work while the boss man ran off with the plums... there was no satisfaction in it for me.
About two years ago I stopped working, partly due to the crisis and partly because of health problems. Ever since then I help out in my husbands store whenever he needs me, which is only a few hours a month. My hubby didn't mind me staying home and I wanted to devote more time to things that are important to me (next to my family and working), like photography, design,spirituality, and so on. In all honesty, in those two years I never really made the time or effort to do anything serious with those so I won't use these things as an excuse. I guess I just didn't know what I wanted and partly deluded myself with fantasies on how I wanted my life to be like.

So two years ago I started having these scary health problems. One evening we sat down to have dinner, I put the food in my mouth, chewed.. and then nothing. I couldn't swallow it as if my swallow reflex was gone. I panicked. That day I went to bed early figuring that a good night sleep would help, but the next day nothing had changed. I couldn't swallow anything and almost choked whenever I tried.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong and eventually they concluded that it was a stress reaction. I had a couple of confirmations from therapists and psychiatrists that stress can indeed cause your body to act this strange. A couple of weeks later my body weight became extremely low, I became depressed and at that point stopped working.
It got better over time, but my body is still very receptive to stress. Even at times when I don't even notice it. Whenever something is going on in my life the problems return: the swallowing problems, not eating, hyperventilation, panic attacks,... even when it's unconscious stress. The docs say it can take years to fully recover and that it was probably caused by some major event or trauma in my life that triggered it. That would be my brothers suicide.

So am at this point in my life, where I don't work and I have lot's of free time and anything I need to be happy and yet the smallest thing, the smallest confrontation makes my body go back into stress mode. It's exhausting and depressing and honestly, I don't feel very happy.

(long rant, sorry, but I'm only in the middle of it yet)

My husband has a good running store, a franchising business, and he makes good money, we aren't rich, but it's more then average.
Now he has the opportunity to franchise an even bigger store, one that does 3 times better then the one he has now. It would almost triple his income and he is really excited about this, he really want's that store.
BUT, he can't do it alone. So he wants me to start working again, together with him in the new store, which would give two of those incomes.
I know it's all good, the money is good, the location is good, the opportunities we get from this are fantastic! This is BIG and If we do this then we will be able to realize all our goals within a year. To turn this down would be the most utterly stupid thing we can do.

So I said yes. We open the new store in two weeks on November 16. I said yes mainly because I know my husband has been working towards this for years, this was his goal and his dream and I don't want to shatter that for him. Personally I don't give a damn about money, even when I have it I don't even spend it. I rather live a quit but happy life with only basic comfort... but that's me.
Anyway, I said yes and there is no turning back now.

I'm so afraid that I won't be able to handle it, it will be long days and many hours, stressful situations and confrontations. I'm afraid that my health will go down the hill again because deep down I know I'm not up to it yet. There are still to much 'stress episodes' even now that I'm not working. I'm trying to just go with the flow and not put to much thought in it, thinking about it makes me panic already.

We needed an extra employee for the new store, so my husband talked to my sister and she is coming to work with us. He arranged it so that I won't ever have to work in there alone, that either he or my sister will be on the same schedule with me (yeah he thinks of me and I just have to love him for that).. but will it be enough?

I never been on medication for my health problems. With two addicted parents I have a great chance of becoming addicted myself, so after many talks with the doc we decided to beat this thing without medication. But I wonder if that is possible at all.. it's been two years and it hasn't gone away. I have a doc appointment next week and I already know that she will say that going to work again is not a good idea...

I feel like I made a very wrong decision, but on the other side it's also a right one. I don't think I ever feared the future more then I do now and I don't have a clue about how to handle this.
So I have two weeks to get my act together, get over myself and start this supper career that will make all my dreams come true. But what will it cost me in the end?




posted on Oct, 31 2009 @ 06:09 AM
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It could be a self confidence issue as well. From what you wrote it seems like you have some doubts as to if you can handle the stress or not. I think if you worked on improving your own self esteem it may give you confidence enough to work at the store with little issues.

It's a process to build up your self esteem. One article I think put it great summed it up like this.

Take every victory no matter how insignificant as the most awesome thing you or anyone could ever do. Keep telling yourself every day that you rock and tell yourself how awesome you are at doing things. Eventually over time you will believe yourself and you will be able to take on the challenges of the store with ease. You can do it. It's not going to be a quick fix, but I think that it will work.

Remember YOU ROCK!



posted on Oct, 31 2009 @ 06:28 AM
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reply to post by whatukno
 


a lot of people say that this is a self-esteem issue.
The thing is that I used to have loads of self esteem. I ran an office, I ran a busines and a little stress used to boost me into higher performances. I used to be able to do it all and I felt like the queen of the universe. I stood in front of my mirror every day telling myself how great I was and how I could do anything I set my mind to.

Nothing happened to lower my self confidence, it lowered when I got ill. Because I know I can't function well like this.
The confidence is an effect but not the cause.



 
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