posted on Oct, 31 2009 @ 05:08 AM
This rant is going to be one filled with self-pity... and that's ironic because self-pity is something I can't stand in others!
I have worked full time since I was 20 and became self employed 5 years ago. I made that choice because I hated working for a boss and I hated the
fact that I did the hard work while the boss man ran off with the plums... there was no satisfaction in it for me.
About two years ago I stopped working, partly due to the crisis and partly because of health problems. Ever since then I help out in my husbands store
whenever he needs me, which is only a few hours a month. My hubby didn't mind me staying home and I wanted to devote more time to things that are
important to me (next to my family and working), like photography, design,spirituality, and so on. In all honesty, in those two years I never really
made the time or effort to do anything serious with those so I won't use these things as an excuse. I guess I just didn't know what I wanted and
partly deluded myself with fantasies on how I wanted my life to be like.
So two years ago I started having these scary health problems. One evening we sat down to have dinner, I put the food in my mouth, chewed.. and then
nothing. I couldn't swallow it as if my swallow reflex was gone. I panicked. That day I went to bed early figuring that a good night sleep would
help, but the next day nothing had changed. I couldn't swallow anything and almost choked whenever I tried.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong and eventually they concluded that it was a stress reaction. I had a couple of confirmations from therapists
and psychiatrists that stress can indeed cause your body to act this strange. A couple of weeks later my body weight became extremely low, I became
depressed and at that point stopped working.
It got better over time, but my body is still very receptive to stress. Even at times when I don't even notice it. Whenever something is going on in
my life the problems return: the swallowing problems, not eating, hyperventilation, panic attacks,... even when it's unconscious stress. The docs say
it can take years to fully recover and that it was probably caused by some major event or trauma in my life that triggered it. That would be my
So am at this point in my life, where I don't work and I have lot's of free time and anything I need to be happy and yet the smallest thing, the
smallest confrontation makes my body go back into stress mode. It's exhausting and depressing and honestly, I don't feel very happy.
(long rant, sorry, but I'm only in the middle of it yet)
My husband has a good running store, a franchising business, and he makes good money, we aren't rich, but it's more then average.
Now he has the opportunity to franchise an even bigger store, one that does 3 times better then the one he has now. It would almost triple his income
and he is really excited about this, he really want's that store.
BUT, he can't do it alone. So he wants me to start working again, together with him in the new store, which would give two of those incomes.
I know it's all good, the money is good, the location is good, the opportunities we get from this are fantastic! This is BIG and If we do this then
we will be able to realize all our goals within a year. To turn this down would be the most utterly stupid thing we can do.
So I said yes. We open the new store in two weeks on November 16. I said yes mainly because I know my husband has been working towards this for years,
this was his goal and his dream and I don't want to shatter that for him. Personally I don't give a damn about money, even when I have it I don't
even spend it. I rather live a quit but happy life with only basic comfort... but that's me.
Anyway, I said yes and there is no turning back now.
I'm so afraid that I won't be able to handle it, it will be long days and many hours, stressful situations and confrontations. I'm afraid that my
health will go down the hill again because deep down I know I'm not up to it yet. There are still to much 'stress episodes' even now that I'm not
working. I'm trying to just go with the flow and not put to much thought in it, thinking about it makes me panic already.
We needed an extra employee for the new store, so my husband talked to my sister and she is coming to work with us. He arranged it so that I won't
ever have to work in there alone, that either he or my sister will be on the same schedule with me (yeah he thinks of me and I just have to love him
for that).. but will it be enough?
I never been on medication for my health problems. With two addicted parents I have a great chance of becoming addicted myself, so after many talks
with the doc we decided to beat this thing without medication. But I wonder if that is possible at all.. it's been two years and it hasn't gone
away. I have a doc appointment next week and I already know that she will say that going to work again is not a good idea...
I feel like I made a very wrong decision, but on the other side it's also a right one. I don't think I ever feared the future more then I do now and
I don't have a clue about how to handle this.
So I have two weeks to get my act together, get over myself and start this supper career that will make all my dreams come true. But what will it cost
me in the end?