Like a ghost, she lives in a scar with her name, page 1

Its 4 AM and I've come to grips with something i have been ignoring for a long time.
I want somebody back, and I know I deserve to lose her.

It was for the better in many cases. But her name lingers in my soul like a ghost, pecking old scars like they were open wounds to toy with.

Like an occasional sting, it itches every so and then to be reminded that for once in a long time... I loved someone deeply. The contract is broken and I know theres nothing I could do. hahaha, I was just an emotional brat who thought he knew love. Or rather, I became emotional because of my passion for her.

Perhaps Im just taking the blame upon myself, knowing that there are things I truly feel are impossible to forgive. But there is more worth to me taking it upon myself and allowing it to transform me in to a man more worthy of respect than I ever was.

Tonight... I just want to be heard. Like the wind, Im only passing by to share a moment of experience.

Before, I treated others as I wanted to be treated. With sincere compassion. But the only return I ever got was whisper of thanks and an IOU like it was suppose to mean something. I was willing to hear others, but being heard reaped no rewards. And so...

I now treat life as a business, just as I now treat my friends. There for a purpose, there for a moment. I mask myself from reality to live as someone I choose to be. That society may address by my mask and not the person beneath it. By my deeds i will be known, not by my skin. Though, I wish I didn't have to hide my weakness to live a man's life.

I guess the meaning of friend is now lacking in my reality. But thats fine, because everyone has their own ways in life. Its just... different knowing that there are things you can't just share to others. And it seems...

I have nobody to share this to.

Perhaps I miss the days where a certain someone held my heart gently. But its no use, there are no days like that anymore. I carry my wounded heart with a chain tied to my hollow center so that I may live like a heartless person. But it seems even hollows have a heart when they know that it's missing.

I can honestly say that this life I have right now has brought upon many smiles and celebrations of victory. I have many allies of which in times of practical need I can depend on. And there even a future of which I'm paving my own path with, so that I may leave a legacy of success for those after me.

But it seems that a scar with her name has reminded me of what's left of my broken heart. Stitched pieces of a war-torn memory.

In my days of optimism, there are nights of loneliness crawling up from a hole I have failed to seal. With only myself to bare the weight of a battered heart. I can only share it with those who know nothing about me. But for a selfish reason: to have a moment of relief in my moment of emptiness.

I rather not have anyone pity. I rather not post this anywhere so that I may suck it up and train myself to deal with my strain on my own. But for once after what feels like so many years, I'd like to give my emotions a opportunity to breath and reminisce on what beautiful moments I have lost and thrown away.

To pick the pieces up once again and remember for a moment that I had someone whom shared her heart with me. Within this bitterness I have found a smile , as if it were to forgive all that has torn me apart.

But when being faithful wasn't good enough... I have to leave the blame in someone who I can count on. Myself. Somehow, I have just remembered that even I have no time for weakness. It's time I get back in sharing my strengths with others. Maybe this is Gods way of showing me what it means to be needed by someone. For now.. I'll leave it as that.

For those who read it, thank you for your time. I wrote this so that I may rest easy when tomorrow there are those who need me to smile. Selfish indeed, but I'll gladly pronounce that Im nothing sort of perfect. Maybe someone out there will read this and gain something form it..