What was his deal?

This thing happened to me several months ago but I'm still trying to get over it, so I thought I share it here and get some feedback.

Flashback to 2008. I was single and happy. Made many great friends at work to which I shared a lot of incredible moments with. It was truly a great year. January 2009, this new guy entered our work group. I was blown out, there was something about him that attracted me instantanly. Two days later we made a party in our workplace. He was still new and was trying to fit in, so the first time I talked to him I told him that we should go out on buy the food (he had a bike). Although I didn't told anyone, everyone appeared to know that I liked him. So later at that party two girlfriends, him and me we're out talking about something, I don't remember exactly what but I think it was about homosexuality (BTW I was openinly gay at work and this guy knew it). Then one of the girls asked him if he had a girlfriend, he said no. She then asked him if he liked girls and he said no again. It wasn't a joke, he didn't laugh and noone did, we just kept on going with the conversation.

But I got a little scared, because it was the first time that guy I liked that much was available (I tend to fall for straight guys... pathetic, I know). During the week I got to know him and it was like... like the guy was made for me in every single way, so I just said to myself that, for the first time, I would try to be open to the posibility to have a serious relationship with this guy. A week later we were pretty close, and the whole group planned a trip to a town nearby on the weekend. That day he picked me up and drove me to where we were all going to meet. We were all talking and he passed behind me and caressed my neck while noone was watching (on top of that, a couple of days before when noone wanted to make the trip he told me that we should both go and camp, he had a tent we could both fit into). I thought it was weird but anyway. That day I also had a party in my house for my brother's birthdate, so I told him that he had to take me home later and he told that "it would cost me *wink*", so I invited him to the party.

Later, we were at the town and we all got pretty drunk. Near us there were another group, and the guy out of the blue told me "it sucks that I can't tell you that that girl is hot because you're gay". He meant it as a joke, not an offense, but I got awfully mad... He was straight after all? Anyway, he drove me to my place later and he came to the party with me but I couldn't stand to see him.

Time went by. It came to a point that we were like a married couple without the sex. Where I was, he was. He called me all the time, we made trips everywhere... We even went to another town just the two of us on Valentine's day, for christ sake. We had the whole dinamics, we picked on eachother. I couldn't understand anything. A lot of things happened which I won't detail because it would take me forever, but during one of those I was pretty down and I googled his nickname on Google, and I found some comments he made on some videos by some gay guy, and he told him that he "had a very kissable face" and that he "would love to go to prom with him

He again apologized, but I could see that he didn't understood what he had done and how much it had hurt me. So again I didn't talked to him for the few next weeks, until I travelled to my ex-city again. As I told you, I knew this guy from work so he got really into the group, this means that I went to a party from them and I obviously saw him, although I didn't talked to him. While I was there I found that he was sad because he had misunderstood something I wrote him via email, so when I came back home I wrote him a really honest and calmed mail explaining what I meant, amongst other things. He answered and was too very honest, and he *sort of* admitted that maybe he liked that I liked him. Other than that, he hadn't really taken any responsability on all the things he's done (and I admit it was my fault too, I never should let things get to the point they did). Also he claims he's straight, in fact a couple of months before I moved some friends reminded him of what he said the night of the party and he said that he didn't remembered it, and that if he said such thing he was joking.

I haven't talked to him since, in fact I took him out of my MSN and Facebook. He appears to continue his life normally, while I'm stuck and hurt and I just can't take all this f*cking experience out of my head. Honestly, I can't get pass it. I've tried everything but it's like I'm always returning to it to try to understand what the hell happened. Don't ask me if I still love him because I have no idea. I do think I still have feelings for him, but on the other hand he has hurt me like noone has before in my life. Seriously, I feel unable to carry on with my life, I don't even have the strenght to find myself a job. I'm just a big mess, and I have been like this for many months now. I want it to be over already. But I think I'll not be able to do it until I made some sense out of it.

Arghhh. Sorry for the rant.

[edit on 27-10-2009 by Radiobuzz]

[edit on 27-10-2009 by Radiobuzz]

Hello, something you wrote struck a chord with me.

I know what it's like to try and get past something, but you just can't. I'm ok now, but it took a long time.

My experience was different to yours, but I understand what you are feeling.

There are some people in this world who insist on telling you one thing, but all their actions say something different. I don't even know if they do it deliberately or not.

They'll deny it if you pull them up on it. Or they'll say "Well, I told you such and such so you should have known". That doesn't excuse them though, if their behaviour told you something else.

Some, I suspect, are sadists. They enjoy your confusion and pain. Maybe it gives them a feeling of power. That just goes to show how small they are, if they need to hurt you to make themselves feel better.

Maybe their self-esteem is so small that besides enjoying the fact that you're attracted to them, they also can't understand what it is about them that you find so admirable.

It's nasty to suspect that deep inside they are laughing at you. Especially if they are trying to put all the blame on you for 'misunderstanding' them.

All I can tell you is that one day you will realise what a loser you are wasting your time on. Unfortunately, that day may be a long time coming - I hope not.

If you can, try and find someone who values you and who doesn't want to string you along. At least, get out and about and find new things to do.

From what you say, you've tried to be the bigger man. You've accepted that you've made mistakes and are not entirely blameless. Well done for that.

Seeing how much you've got going for you and how honest you are prepared to be I know who I'd rather have as a friend if I had to choose between you and him.

Bear that in mind and hopefully you will start to realise that he never deserved you and that all through your relationship, he was lucky to have you.

What a pity he had to play games, he's spoilt it and it's his loss.

I just wanted to add that there is a possibility that he is having difficulty in coming to terms with his sexuality.

[edit on 27-10-2009 by berenike]

Thanks berenike for the kind words. I thought about him having problems with his sexuality but still I don't think that's an excuse... I never played with anyone's feelings even when I was in the closet. Also, regardless of his sexual orientation he has already told me that he loves me as a friend so there's really no turning point in that matter.

I know eventually I'll be able to get past all of this, but the time in between sucks!

Thanks again for your thoughts.

reply to post by Radiobuzz


I don't think if he's having problems with his sexuality that it's any sort of excuse either.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Stay strong, and my best wishes to you.