“Howdy, welcome to Kelly Brownell Auto Repair. Can I help you?”

“Yeah, something’s not right with my car. It’s sluggish and it’s burning way more gas than it used to. Can you maybe take a look under the hood, or run some kind of test, or–?”

“You say she’s burning too much gas?”

“Definitely. I have to fill up like twice a week now, and I don’t even drive that much anymore.”

“Well, there’s your problem.”

“Huh?”

“You’re putting too much gas in it.”

“Uh … I’m not sure I’m following you here.”

“Well, it’s simple. She’s burning too much gas. So stop putting so much gas in the gas tank. You see?”

“Well, uh … don’t you think maybe something’s wrong with the engine, or the fuel system, or maybe there’s a leak, or–”

“No offense, buddy, but you’re talking to a professional here. I see this all the time. People come in with cars that are sluggish, and every darned one of them is filling up the tank all the time. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put two and two together. If she’s burning too much gas, stop filling her up all the time. Then she can’t use too much gas. Like I said, it’s simple.”

“Okay. Right.”

“And if she’s still sluggish, you need to get her out on the highway a few times a week and run her at a high speed for an hour or so.”

“Well … that kind of seems like it might just make the car use more gas.”

“No, no, no, you’re missing the whole idea here. Give her less gas, but drive her around a lot more. That’s how you get your mileage up. Less gas, more miles, that means more miles per gallon. You understand the math?”

“Uh …”

“Look, it’s not hard. Lucky for you, the gas stations around here are required by law to show you exactly how many gallons you’re putting in the tank. So let’s say you normally put in fifteen gallons. Just watch that meter real close, and then stop when you’ve put in, say, ten gallons. Then drive her around a lot more. Problem solved.”

“Uh, yeah, sure. Thanks.”

“And if that doesn’t work, come back next week. I’ll be happy to give you the same advice again.”

Have you seen the news stories about the obesity epidemic? Did you see Super Size Me? Then guess what? … You’ve been fed a load of bologna.

Comedian (and former health writer) Tom Naughton replies to the blame-McDonald’s crowd by losing weight on a fat-laden fast-food diet while demonstrating that nearly everything we’ve been told about obesity and healthy eating is wrong. Along with some delicious parody of Super Size Me, Naughton serves up plenty of no-bologna facts that will stun most viewers, such as: The obesity “epidemic” has been wildly exaggerated by the CDC. People the government classifies as “overweight” have longer lifespans than people classified as “normal weight.” Having low cholesterol is unhealthy. Lowfat diets can lead to depression and type II diabetes. Saturated fat doesn’t cause heart disease — but sugars, starches and processed vegetable oils do.