posted on Jan, 3 2010 @ 04:14 PM
Hi all, first than you to OmegaLogos, for showing me this post. Its not something one can talk about easily, I was a victim, which started as a child,
and unfortunately continued as a young adult though by different people.
But i wonder if its still rape as a child, or is it seen in the eyes of society as child abuse, not that it matters, I am 45 now, and when this was
happening as a child even the authorities saw it as a taboo thing, I know other people knew it was going on, even my own mother, but for her there
was fear. I think it is what destroyed my relationship with her, because as I grew we had less and less to do with each other, for me it was because
she refused to help, even though i knew she knew what was happening. But like i said, then it was taboo, as it is still very much today.
I actually accused someone else of doing this to me, I was less afraid of this man, at the time all i though it would do was stop it. It went to court
and i as a 6 year old had to stand in the middle of the court in front of the judge and all those people and tell them what had happened to me, I
understand they dont do that now, I think its done with cameras,i hope it is anyway. But i had to keep a level head and keep accusing the wrong person
knowing that if i accused the right on, my life wouldn't be worth living, so i thought anyway. I left the court, and never saw the man again, to this
day i live with the guilt of what i did, and it didn't even stop it. The person doing it, i think now, though he had got a way with it, and i guess
he though he was invincible.
I was, and i suppose still am to some extent a very withdrawn person, and very much a loner, which i think was what got me free from it, about the age
of 11 i started to go out on my own, playing in the woods i guess getting to know nature, animals, and stuff like that. the bullying continued though,
so every excuse i got i was out. I was born with a condition known as club foot, so i couldn't walk until i was about 5, not properly anyway, and
the person used to use it against me as a punishment, making me stand up straight in the corner until i couldn't do it any more and collapsed in
agony, at which point i was made to go to my bed for the rest of the day. Again where was my mum, sitting with him and going along with it all the
I started to fight back when i was about 12, I know its not normal for a child to hit out or even attempt to hit out at a fully grown man, but i had
to show that i had had enough and wasn't going to stand for it. I got my beating though for doing that, not just from him, but from my mother as
well. which to this day i dont understand, i was of the impression that mums were supposed to look after their children. Again like i said it was all
different back then, and not talked about.
I left home when i was 15 to work with and look after disabled people in a local home. unfortunately for me, it took a long time for my voice to
break, so i sounded very camp up to the age of about 20, but as a younger lad, i liked to go out to pubs, and luckily got in some of them, unluckily
for me that was when it started again, because of my voice i think. I got drunk one night i was about 17 i guess, and this guy decided he liked me,
and took advantage of the fact i was not able to care for myself, he took me home in his car and the rest as they say is history.
He dropped me off at work the next day, I can remember not wanting to go in, as the people i looked after were all male, and it just made me feel sick
for what i had to face. I couldn't go to the police, i was only 17, i would have got in to trouble for being in the pub in the first place, or so i
thought at the time.
Any way i did go in eventually. It took me years to come to terms with what had happened to me, i found myself hating gay people, I know they are not
all the same, i have a few gay friends now, and they dont fancy me, so its all good and safe. The biggest thing was i think it made me grow in ways i
may not have, I dont hat gay people im not really homophobic, i am just very arms length if you understand.
Some closure for me was the mad who attacked me as a child, I stood at the bottom of his dying bed, and looked in to his eyes as he died, and silently
in my head, i forgave him for what his did, in fact i felt very sorry for him, and wondered if this was some kind of punishment for his actions, i see
that it was not now, but the feeling that he could never do it again was good enough for me.
My voice finally broke when i was about 25, and i sounded like a real man, one evening i met up with the guy who took advantage of me some years
earlier, and i gave him the biggest thrashing he had ever had, I still see him now, but he avoids me like im the beast.
I have had eight children of my own, I love them all more than life, and have protected them some would say to much from being hurt by anyone. 4 of
them are grown up and having children of their own, some live away as a result of divorce, and my two babies live with me and my soul mate, I would
kill before letting anyone hurt or abuse my children, or anyone else's for that matter.
But was it rape, I never thought of it that way, but i guess it was, did it make me a better person, I think it did. I have had a councillor, i'm not
sure that did any good though. I think it was my own live, and the way i looked at it, determined to never ever let that happen to anyone while i was
around. My children are happy and safe. and thats all that really counts to me now.
Thank you for this thread, i dont often talk about this, but just in case there is someone out there finding it hard, i just wanted to say there is
light at the end of the tunnel, and there are ways to deal with it. I wish you good health S&F for the thread. Neo sorry for any spelling
mistakes and sorry for going on a bit.