posted on Sep, 26 2009 @ 09:26 AM
The light was fantastic. The sounds were amazing. The feelings, indescribable. As I lay on the cold, damp grass, looking up to the heavens, I was at
peace. The birds singing in the trees, the sun shining down, warming my face. I would lie there for hours looking at the clouds, picturing myself up
there, looking down and seeing everything. Not in a morbid way - I didn't want to die. I just wanted to see everything, and know everything.
But 'I want' doesn't get. So I'd pick myself up and slowly make my way home. Back to the noise, the anger, the stress that came with every day
life. I would dream of being back there, every night. The peace of my sanctuary wasn't always to be, however.
As I lay on the warm grass, thinking of the day's events as the clouds floated lazily above me and the birds sang sweetly in the trees, I slowly
drifted off to sleep. I dreamt I was where I wanted to be. In the clouds. I saw the world, and I knew everything. I knew the deepest secrets of the
most secretive people. I knew the answers to problems mankind had been working on since life began. I knew everything. It was strange. I felt
powerful, yet useless. Comforted, yet anxious.
I awoke to find the light gone, the birds silent and the air cold. It was night, and I was in the pitch dark, alone. I struggled to remember my dream.
I could remember being up high, and the feelings I had, but I could not remember what I had found out. I spent months fighting with my head, to let me
remember. I tried sleeping where I had slept, in the hope that the dream might return, but it never did. It was driving me insane. I tried meditation,
hypnotism, all to no avail. And so I gave up. I let it pass. I was never to know again.
It was the knowledge that nothing would ever be the same that drove me back to my field. It was the knowledge that I had lost something so important,
and so meaningful that made me take that knife. It was the knowledge that I could never get it back that took over my hand, as I raked the knife
across my throat, and lay down to die.