First and foremost I need to offer a few disclaimers about myself.
I'm 25. I have a pretty open mind when it comes to a lot of things. Life, spirituatily, God (or the concept of God etc..). I wouldn't say I'm the
type that that believes in everything occult or paranormal but I won't discredit a lot of what I come across.
Anyways, earlier this year I began to do a lot of reading and too much thought about what I was doing in life. I guess I was just unhappy with a lot
of what was happening to me. More importantly though was the fact that I was dissapointed in myself in choices I had made or how I had reacted to
certain situations in the past. With that in mind it bothered me the most that I was starting to feel regret and anger towards my own choices. Its a
lot easier to blame an outside influence or something uncontrollable that happens to you. But when it comes to realizing that in cases it wasn't
anything outside, but it was actually me that wronged it got harder to cope with.
Anyways after all that reflection I decided that it was about time I set myself straight. I got into studying myself more than I ever had before. I
never really got into deep meditation but I did use light meditation to contemplate. I set goals, the first of which was to identify what I didn't
like about myself. The next step was to affirm to myself to fix what I didn't like. After identifying the greater flaws I believed myself to posess
and start cleansing them I made sure to understand that I was always going to have flaws. The attempts I was making to fix them worked in some areas
but in others they did not. I was still beating myself up over mistakes and failures, big and small. This is where my reading came in regards to
finding one's self. Once I learned to forgive myself, and actually accept that I'm going to screwup, I started to feel better. I have a really hard
time putting into words how it took me 25 years to build my own self-confidence. (not the layer of confidence I always hid behind around others -- the
actual true self down low). The benefits were enormous for me. While it isn't a cure-all, I definitely eased some depression, anxiety and anger in my
life. I also want to aplogize if this isnt making 100% sense or if I start writing in eccentric tangents, thats another flaw I have. There's 1000
thoughts and emotions flying through my head while writing this, and getting them all into words just isn't going to happen.
Anyways, to the actual topic:
So here I am a few months after my self-discovery started. Things are still going well, I learn something new everyday. I'm still reading and
researching everything I can. Luckily my career has landed me in a job where all I really have is time alone in an office with unrestricted internet
access. Defintely helps when you want to do some hardcore research on a single topic
I've struggled with sleep problems the last several years. It's just actually falling asleep that is the big one for me. That was another benefit of
my self-learning research. Learning to control my thoughts so by the time I hit the sack I could lay there and not continue to let my mind go a
million miles a minute. (and thus be awake for the next 3 hours after getting into bed)
For some more background, I have had lucid dreams before. When I was intent on lucid dreaming I could do it. Rationality worked the best for me as
well as constantly checking a clock during the day.
But what happened the other nite was possibly the coolest dream I've ever had, so much so it's enspiring me to post here as well as opening up
20million questions more.
The day was pretty much like everyother work day for me. Got off work @ 530 ( I work IT btw), went home, took down some dinner. I do car work on the
side (mostly for family friends and co-workers) so I tend to work even after I get off work. I figured out why the alignment shop was having issues
with car (and was very happy at this since it had been on my mind for 2 weeks previous). I showered, played my guitar for a few and I was worn out so
I decided to get some sleep.
I need to make clear this didn't seem like a lucid dream. I don't remember having direct control. There's several parts I don't remember 100% but
what I do remember is the emotions that passed over me. The first portion of this dream is a pillar of light coming from the sky. I thought it was
alien in nature. I was very frightened at the start. That however quickly changed. I dont remember the transition from the light but the next thing I
know is I'm sitting on my parent's front porch talking to this person. I have never seen this person's face before. Age looks to be 25-30, close to
me. The emotions running through me during this part of the dream are of excitement, joy and happiness (and quite possibly love too). Apparently I
knew this person wasn't like me or anyone else. I don't know to call him alien, celestial or a spirit but he was different. He was very nice and I
felt safe. As we were sitting on the porch drinking canned beer (not my favorite choice btw) I was asking questions left and right. Important
questions. Questions about myself, about life, exisistence and the meanings of my surrondings. I was getting answers (I wish I could remember what I
asked and what I was answered with)! What's funny is the answers weren't spoken; it was like the thoughts and answers were being laid out to me in a
way that I just understood that didn't need to speak. I know I went a few places and was shown at least one thing I remember (something music
related). I felt absolutely great just being there. But right before I woke up the being I was talking to said it was time to go. I remember me
feeling very greatful but very sad it was leaving and wanting it to stay badly. The last thing I remember of the dream was a smile and then it
dissolved into light and shot upward.
I have a hard time verbalizing the dream. Just writing here at the end almost makes me tear up. Is this the possiblity of a dream or spirit guide
I've read about? I would love to have this happen again but I'm almost scared to call out into the unknown because I don't even know what the hell,
even if "it" was real, real outside or just something my mind projected? I don't even know what to think. There's defintely a part of me that
wants this to be something special, but in reality I'm aware that might not the be the case, and it could have been a random dream.
What do you think? Comments appreciated!