September 6, 2009
Waning Moon in Aries
My mind is free when my body is strong.
I let my body and mind get out of condition. 10 extra pounds and smoking are holding me back. Not just the pounds, the loss of muscle mass and tone
and general weakness. Over 35 years of smoking is also taking its toll on my face, skin and oxygen intake. Its time to change for the better. Take on
self-doubt, depression, guilt and fear with confidence and determination. The only sure way to succeed is to try. (That's my first positive
My plan is the same old plan it ever was, but this time its more than a plan, its a goal.
Fortune has provided me with the opportunity to not have to work. Three years of freedom has driven me nuts. I've handled it poorly. In seeking what
it is I truly want, I got lost. The only thing I've ever truly wanted was to be happy. I wanted a family of my own. Although I was graced with four
beautiful, healthy, intelligent children, circumstances that I handled the best I could at the time, resulted in all four of them not being raised by
me. I should and must get over it but I can't. It's all I've ever wanted in life. Then to have it for a moment only to be taken wrongfully and
forcefully by deceit and ill-will, the lies and harm to my reputation are nothing compared to what my children were forced to endure. Being raised to
hate their own mother.
I made mistakes. I made wrong decisions. I am still paying for them. But my children are paying an even higher price. Being caught in the middle of a
despicable situation that I must and shall continue, to soften for them as best I can.
I'm trying my best to never put them in the middle of anything between their other parent and I. As the years pass, the children are coming to
realize that the "line" they've been fed doesn't quite add up. I'm trying to make that transition as painless as possible. Their loyalties do not
need to be further tested by me. I love them unconditionally, forever. Eventually they will know what has happened. In the meantime, I must suffer in
silence. My feelings must never override what is in their best interest. It is difficult to do. As I can not change what has happened, I must cope the
best way I can with it.
Since 1996, I have been struggling to cope. Most people who know me believe in me and marvel at my internal strength. It is the mask I must wear.
Deeply buried behind walls of mistrust, suspicion and direct experience, I struggle to trust, believe and cope.
Three years of freedom to discover what I truly want and I still have the same desire. It never changes. I want to be the real mother, not the visitor
mother. By the time I could afford to have a change of custody it was too late. If I did it when they were in grade school, I would have had no way to
defend them from the constant "mommy haters" rhetoric. So, I waited. I bought a house. Stability. My son told his father (of his own accord - I
don't manipulate them) he wanted to live with his mom. He was 8. His father grounded him. You get the idea. I told my kids I would never try to
change custody until it was what they asked me to do.
Now, they realize that I am not what they've always been told. They've seen it for themselves. I will always be there for them, no matter what. I am
here. I love them.
I can't let it get me down inside where it counts. Inside where the pain gnaws away at me, guilt and regret, anger at being broadsided with lies,
winnning legally but losing anyway, being hated by my own mother. I can't let them win, Ever. I've started to slide into despair. I will dig myself
back out and be better than ever! It's Time.
Back to the PLAN.....
The Goal is to be Happy With Myself.
1. Exercise, Tai Chi, Pilates, Yoga - schedule
2. Eat properly - eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm not and drink more water
3. Sleep properly - being consistent
4. Positive affirmations - paint, write, draw images that reflect positive reinforcement
5. Meditation/Relaxation - stick with it, don't worry what is supposed to happen
6. Belly Dance, Beginners - practice the moves everyday
7. Sing! - it always makes me feel better even if I don't sound good
8. Cut Back Smoking, Worry about quitting later - consciously wait just a little longer
9. Limit online activity - No more than an hour at a time and two hours a day.
10. Rebuild resume and self-esteem - IMPORTANT Job sites, publications, etc.
11. Make more plastic bag rugs - it will help the muscles in the hand (I hope)
12. Household schedule - cleaning, meals, laundry
13. Finances - Read all bills and become part of the subject again
14. Car maintenance and upkeep - vacuum, clean inside, etc.
15. Ride bike and walk
16. Paint - house & canvas
17. Practice on the Sewing Machine - review the basics. Make practical stuff.
In order to ensure that I don't forget anything and am able to work it all into a routine, I will place visuals of my GOAL everywhere. Once my GOAL
(or any part along the way) is reached, I will have changed my life for the better, empowered myself and lifted my self-esteem. If any magical or
miraculous things occur, all the better.