Feeling malaise.
So many interactions, so many connections.
I need a vacation where I just do a whole lot of nothing.

I wonder.
Is what I feel real?
Are emotions something that influence the outside world?
I wonder how many people walking down the street feel the emotional cloud of all the other people around them.
Is it something that most of us have become so used to, we no longer feel it?
Has it become something that's no more significant than background radiation and radio waves or cell phone signals?
Do we sense it with our sleeping minds?

Hello, humans, I feel you.

Today began as any other day.
My usual aches and pains in the morning, work, home, etc...
For some reason though, I feel like I coasted right through.
Especially at work.
There were a myriad of problems, but I really didn't seem to mind.
I guess I've reached that point in my life, that, things don't bother me anymore.
You realize that nothing here is significant. Nothing has any real meaning, and you've come to terms with the fact that your job has nothing to do with making the world a better place. It's not that you are carefree of apathetic, it's just that you've become so adept, you no linger need to think about what you need to do.

Funny how things work that way.

What's the point?
What's the point in trying to figure ourselves out?
The truth of us, stares back from the mirror but we don't recognize it.
It's easier to believe that everything is encompassed in your own little world and nothing bad ever happens there.
As long as we keep consuming, everything will be fine and we'll grow stupider by the day.

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why its called the present.

"Kung Fu Panda"

LOL

The entirety of how I've been feeling lately can be summed up by that movie.

AVATAR!!

Still has an emotional impact.
No matter how many time I see it, I love it.
I imagine that somewhere out there is a world just like The one in that movie.
For some reason, I wish it was our world.
It brings to mind, what would have happened if out technology focused on biology instead of inanimate materials.

"I see you..."

Holiday commercialism.
Full of hidden messages that inspire selfishness, greed, and disrespect for fellow people.
Saw a car commercial, there's a car in a stocking, and the man runs to it like it's his first Christmas ever.
I get the point, it's supposed to be humorous, but humor often belies intent.
It's in the house, and more to the point when the man takes it out for a drive he carelessly runs over his Christmas lawn ornament, (a deer).
Why include that?
Is that supposed to be humorous?
I often find car commercials the worst examples of content that seem to serve no other purpose than to convince the viewer of something selfish or unsafe.
Disclaimers irrelevant.

I'm going to give the pessimistic and condescending side of myself an indefinite vacation.
I would guess that a part of personal growth is realizing those aspects of one's own psyche that are detrimental.
Inception as it seems arises from creativity and positive thought.
Why should I limit myself due to not only my own shortcomings, but because I feel like something is wrong with the world.
Some things, we just have no control over, or do we?

Time seems to be going faster. So weird.
I wake up and it is already Christmas morning. (And surprisingly it snowed ON CHRISTMAS)
In a couple of months I will be twenty one.
So much stuff I've learned this past year. November was the anniversery of when I finally opened my eyes to what the world really is.
I feel as if I am going nowhere in life. Or maybe I dont want too?
Struggling to find myself staying positive. Finding myself quite...depressed.
And this is what I thought of today.
Trying to think of what I wanna do in life. What kind of college courses I need.
And then thinking about what kind of bull # I will be taught just like in school.
My mind travels thousands of miles a minute.
Kinda gives me a headache.
My reflections of today.

I saw shooting star today on my way home from work.
It was quite spectacular.
One of the largest I've ever seen personally. The trail was blue, green and tiny sparkles of red.
It was amazing.
It's simple things like a shooting star that make me realize that my everyday troubles are rather meaningless and mundane in the grander scheme.
Who knows where that rock came from?
Who knows what it was made of?
Who knows how far it traveled?

I had the strangest, most vivid dream last night.
I don't know where I was, but people were infected with something that made them sick but also made them murderous to the sickest level. They weren't zombies or anything, I know that's what it sounds like. They were normal but just maniacal.
"Someone" came to our house and told us that this was the time when if we wanted to be spared the coming horrors we must leave right now. Take nothing, nothing at all, just the cloths on our backs and go. Don't hesitate. I asked if I could grab some supplies, they said "take nothing, you will be provided for by the grace of GOD, if you just find faith and leave empty handed. Some people were not so sure about this and grabbed a few things but it was discovered that when they took time to go back the were massacred. You couldn't see it but you could hear it.
"Someone" then told us that on the way there would be horrible things to be seen, and that the maniacs were turning into monsters and that hell would be on earth soon. No matter what happened, do not stare at the viscera because you would loose hope and fall from faith.
There were those that could not help themselves, and when the monsters came after other people as we were traveling the looked and were caught staring in curiosity and were overcome by the evil and just went right to it.
I remember seeing something horrible, but I looked away and hear the most blood curdling noises, but I resisted the temptation to look.
"Someone" stopped our traveling and said that if we would just leave with them now, into this place, the evil would not touch us and we would be spared from seeing or hearing it, but we had to become part of the faithful and had to live here and only here. Do not want for our material possessions that we lost, because the possess you. Do not long for the life you once lived. Do not cry over lost loved ones but find new love here as all the innocent and repentant and faithful and those that asked for GOD's mercy were here.
It was a farm. There were houses, barns and picnic tables full of food. Animals all around and people working.
The animals were understood by the people and the people were understood by the the animals. The animals worked of their own accord and the people treated them as equals.
I asked "Someone" what happened?
"Someone" said that the time had come, for humanity to become what we can be and for the good of us to be spared while the rest were eliminated by our own evils.
"Someone" said that the old ways are gone and that we will evolve now spiritually as well as technologically.
We need to stop looking for the stars because the stars have found us. Once we find our true potential we can stay and raise families or go off and do the same on a planet that now has a clean slate.
Once our evolution of spirit has reached it's mark, will see the world through other's eyes and no place shall be unexplored.
I think that "Someone" was...........................

I had forgotten about that dream, until I just read it again.
I guess it was there in the back of my mind, somewhere.
The past few weeks feel like one long arduous stretch.
Barely a pause in between.
Certain powers seek to maintain control, when in actuality, it's only superficial.
Whomever thinks they run the show are in for a rude awakening.
One day, it will be the insects that come out from under the rocks to tread over the bodies of those who thought they knew it all.

My thoughts....................



Eff life.

Had a dream about talking to someone that I have tried to call on many occasions and they never pick up the phone.
Also about working somewhere familiar, but it's only familiar in my dream. When I wake up, I don't know where the heck it is. The feeling of familiarity is uncanny in the dream, but is lost when I wake.

For my own reasons, 2 points of the dream seem like premonitions.
1. talking to that person who never answers the phone, and that person offering help I don't need (too little to late)
2. a manager getting transferred to my work location that i know and get along with quite well.