Thought Journal

There's something so medicating about typing your thoughts out onto a webpage. I don't do it enough on my blog. Actually I just typed out a heap of stuff and then somehow deleted the whole effing thing..

Today was pretty swell. I went shopping (a day that includes retail therapy usually turns out great), bought new sheets and house stuff for when I return to my semester residence for uni next week. I love shopping for house items. I could always find something new to buy. And I may or may not be having Thai for dinner (aka the best food in the world).

____________

I have the fullest week ahead of me. Returning to uni soon so it's like I'm rushing to get everything done here before I switch towns. And tomorrow's my last day at work so we're all heading to Sails afterwards. Now Sails is just too gorgeous. Right on the marina, all open and everything. Definitely looking to get slightly sloshed tomorrow afternoon. They have brilliant Sunday sessions there.

I was working the other day and business was pretty slow, so I decided to take some photographs of the gorgeous view. I ended up taking some really good ones, IMO. I have never thought that I was very skilled at film and photography, but I surprised myself that day. I feel really happy when I surprise myself artistically.

[edit on 17/7/10 by pretty_vacant]

reply to post by pretty_vacant


I know Exactly what you mean.

I've been feeling especially slack to do anything lately.
I think it's because I have had quite a lot of last minute tasks suddenly dumped on me that I need to get done before I head back to uni.
I've basically been snowballed. Usually when responsibility knocks I can organise everything fairly well. Except sometimes, like right now, too much comes all at once and I don't have a leg to stand on. My head is all over the place! And I'm tired all the time!
Hopefully things simmer down soon..

I've been thinking about things lately. Thinking about future events again.. It's hard to know what to believe and what to do. So confusing at times. It can become exhausting trying to figure things out. At times I feel like I really don't fit in here, and all I'm doing is playing a waiting game for something big that is going to happen soon.. On the other hand I feel as though I have wasted a lot of time and that I should be progressing faster.

Anyway. I'm tired again.

When good people do nothing, tyranny will always rule.

It's the questions which drives us, not the answer.
We fear the answer, so we never ask the questions.
No one is more hopelessly enslaved than those who believe they are free.

I feel kind of depressed today.

Thoughts of missing my family have come and gone since I returned to uni and today I've been doubting myself again. I expect a lot of myself, probably unrealistically, and when I feel that I don't measure up for even a second, it really weighs me down. Because of this, I realised today that I don't think I will ever be completely satisfied or entirely happy with my life and whatever I accomplish.

I wonder if part of my success in this life relies on me becoming fulfilled and content with what I have achieved here. I think about this whole service to others concept and, somehow, I feel as though by letting myself down I have failed in my purpose or something .. which doesn't make sense, but it's just a feeling I get. I basically feel like I'm a failure anyway. It's as though, if I'm not content with my life, then I'm not being of service to others and therefore I'm failing; because I believe that being happy and fulfilled personally is beneficial to the group or others' progress.

Then, just moments ago, I was informed that my gorgeous beloved ragdoll cat in my home town had been run over by a car. Despite the horror of hearing those dreaded words, I was relieved to hear that though he suffered some ligament damage, unbelievably, nothing was broken.
I honestly don't know how I would handle a situation in which either of my cats was fatally harmed (dare I say it).

It's such a beautiful day out but I just can't see the joy in the singing blue sky today.
I'm surrounded but I feel so alone.

[edit on 29/7/10 by pretty_vacant]

reply to post by pretty_vacant


Feeling alone, in a world where people just can't seem to understand you, is a terrifying feeling. Just as much though, I don't understand them.

I have love in my life and that seems to make it all go away.

© TZ 2010
Paradoxically Unified

Dying to be born
Born dying
Faster, faster
In a hurry to get no where
Been there, done that
Been everywhere
No where to go
It's all inside
It was dreadfully long, yet painfully short
Laughed so hard we cried
Cried ourselves into oblivion
It wasn't fair, it's not fair, never will be fair
Fair never was
We rushed to get here
We rush to get out of here
It's all a waste
Meaningless
It was all pointless
Legacy is an illusion
A magical carpet ride to meaninglessness
Only the scum rises to the top
Hopelessly hopeful
Hopefully hopeless
There's no where to go but out
Been there, done that
Round and round and back again
Stop the merry-go-round
I want to get off

Through the wormhole.
Morgan Freeman narrating a science program.
He's cool.

Anyways.
Dark matter.
Apparently the think that it forms a skeletal structure to which the normal matter in the universe is connected.

We can't see it, touch it etc.

Speculatively speaking, the think it's there though.

While I was watching this, I had an epiphany.

What if the reason dark matter cannot be observed is due to the parallel universe theory.

That there are other realities, mere fractions away from our own, but we cannot interact with them because they are broken off from our reality and are existing parallel to our own.

Gravity, as has bee speculated is so week because it is diluted across the barriers of parallel universes.

Same concept.
Perhaps this dark matter cannot be observed because it's been diluted across parallel realities, or even different dimensions.

The effects of the dark matter can be seen, but not the dark matter itself.
Much like gravity.

Perhaps it is higher dimensional, and exists in the 4th d.

Get where I'm going with this?

reply to post by reticledc


I know what you mean. I'm aware of all the love that is in my life, that I constantly receive, consciously or subconsciously, although I feel weighted by other issues which I can't seem to shake. I feel as though it's a complicated situation to describe...

_____________________________

I'm feeling inadequate once again.
I don't think my artistic abilities are up-to-scratch enough to be studying an arts degree.. As I've mentioned, I'm a type of full-blown perfectionist, and I put a lot of pressure and expectations on myself.

Mediocrity is not one of them.

Work sucks.


Good people get crushed under the weight of bureaucracy, power trips, and feather capping.
While the initial thoughts of the victims are infuriating and desperate, I have come to realize on thing.
None of it matters.
That micro reality has nothing to do with me, and nothing to do with humanity as a whole.

It's a good snapshot of how people behave when they think the are free, but subject to tyranny.

Just as much as i need income, they need someone to do their work for them.

NO contract should be exclusive to one parties benefit.

The point of choice was made.
I choose to remain.
Begrudgingly.


It's a dictatorship once you punch that clock.

Much like the world, those entities should appreciate the people that make things move.

Idealistic, I know.

Where does one draw the line?
When does one realize that one has the right to be treated better.
This isn't just about work, it's about people, and this world one lives in.
This government that controls one's every move, and would put them to death for the most minor infraction if they don't submit to their rule.

We must be out of our collective minds to tolerate this for even an instant, let alone the length of time that has already passed.
Need to stop thinking about the present, and think about the future.

The change us, incrementally over time.
We barely notice.
Need to do the same to reclaim our humanity.

Pressure and time will erode even the largest stone.

Fly Like An Eagle Lyrics - Steve Miller



Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future

I want to fly like an eagle
To the sea
Fly like an eagle
Let my spirit carry me
I want to fly like an eagle
Till I'm free
Oh, Lord, through the revolution

Feed the babies
Who don't have enough to eat
Shoe the children
With no shoes on their feet
House the people
Livin' in the street
Oh, oh, there's a solution

I want to fly like an eagle
To the sea
Fly like an eagle
Let my spirit carry me
I want to fly like an eagle
Till I'm free
Fly through the revolution

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future

I want to fly like an eagle
To the sea
Fly like an eagle
Let my spirit carry me
I want to fly like an eagle
Till I'm free
Fly through the revolution

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future

[edit on 8/6/2010 by reticledc]

What if tomorrow, we could all read everyone else's thoughts?
How could we be anything but honest with one another?
Is that a good thing though?
Imagine, nothing left to hide.
Would we be better off, or worse?
Would we realize the pain that our actions and deceptions cause, and cease doing those things?

Would everyone, know how much you love your family, and would you know how much everyone else loves theirs?

What would it take, for just a bit of that?

Last night I was looking at the darkened sky and hoping that it would rain today. It's becoming more and more of a rare occurrence in the tropical north these days, after having grown up with plenty of spontaneous thunder storms conjuring up on my doorstep when I was a kid. Too often do we notice the deep, ominous sky above and rarely a sprinkle of water in accompaniment. I love everything about rain, everything it signifies. Here, at its most basic level, it represents a mere change in the weather, but it also brings a sweeping sigh of relief and hope when those boisterous clouds roll in.

Some days I simply don't wish to be on this planet. There seems to be too much complexity going on in my mind and psyche for me to even begin to figure out where I should start to find solutions. Although it is not a solution to easily do away with myself and come to avoid much of the suffering I have yet to endure in this human life, but any other answer to the problems I feel and am faced with everyday, seems to be nonexistent on some level. Nonexistent, that is, on the tangible level of this reality, because the world is so f*cked up, I just don't see how I could possibly explain my nature or the intricacy of my thoughts to any one person here and expect them to wholly understand.

And anyone else who can identify with this in one way or another knows how it feels to feel completely alone at one time or another.
I often think, "What the f*ck is wrong with me?" I sincerely ask the question, because I have invested plethora amount of hours in thought solely regarding this issue and can't seem to come to a viable solution. I was depressed when I was younger, so I can tell you that this is not what I am experiencing.
I think it is closer to a sense that the world is just a throughly disappointing place, in spirit and nature. People constantly disappoint me. Although I have a hard time figuring out whether this is because I seem to set somewhat higher standards for people to live up to, or whether my standards are completely acceptable and it is just the human race who is the let down.
Something deep inside of me is giving me the feeling that it's the majority of people who have a lot to answer for.
I mean, I'm not a megalomaniac or psycho hose beast or a mini Hitler who expects people to live in such a strict or standard way. All I wish is for people to act genuinely towards one another. For people to demonstrate a higher level of compassion and operate on some higher level of dignity and grace. A higher level of humanity.

Is it so much to ask for?

As much as I wish, though, I still don't see it. I am constantly surrounded by these people who are just sucking the life-force from me. It's like they just couldn't give a f*ck.
I want the world to be a better place. This isn't going to happen as long as the world remains as it is and continues on its current path.

So, my eyes are set on the unseen at the moment. They're set on the hope of a shift into the beginning of a new, better world.

Today, I woke up and stared into the heavy, overcast clouds, sitting gloomily over the mountain top. All day, it looked like it would be one of those moody, rainless days. Then, when the afternoon struck its humid chord, the rain poured down, bringing with it those sweeping sighs of relief and hope.
Right now, as I'm typing this, praying for change, a fresh downpour can barely be heard over the roaring hum of the air-conditioning.

It's a nice change.

Why......?


Why.......?


Why do we persist?
Will we work out our problems and immaturity before we drive ourselves into extinction?
Are we even capable of change as a species?
For GOD's sake, it's 2010.
The FUTURE we always read about.
And here we are as violent and evil as ever.

How can TPTB keep us in this state of fear?
WHEN and HOW can we release this fear and take back our humanity.
When a human being can no longer just, go outside without being subjugated and monitored, then they are no longer human.

They are exhibits.

The only way forward is through peace, love, and resolve.

If everyone were to just stop, doing everything, then those with the power would have lost it.

We sadly can't do that though. Not without thinking we are loosing our humanity, when in reality, living the lives we live now is what's robbing us of it.

I would give up everything I ever owned and walk around naked, and hungry for humanity to just realize who and what we are and why we're important.
We are important, because we have life.
We have life, intelligence, creativity, love, compassion, ingenuity.
Imagine if we became truly connected to this Earth and everything living on it.

We have had our eyes on the skies since our birth, and someday we may just find our kin out there, but in the present, we have so many other fellow creatures to get to know.
We have this spirit, but we never use it.

The future is coming, but are we ready for it?

Peace.

I feel like I need to be better than the trivial, mundane bog we're dragged through day by day. I don't want to be brought down by pitiful problems and worries anymore. I want to do great things in my life, go out completely on my own and not have to rely on anyone else, but I find it so difficult to release myself from the bullsh!t that subconsciously but surely builds up as the days go by. And the worst things is, because I can't seem to get ahead of all this crap, I need people to rely on, such as friends, family, acquaintances, general, everyday people, but everyone is such a goddamn disappointment! I don't know whether I just have high expectations for people to live up to or if people are just getting crappier in nature and disposition. I feel like it could be a bit of both. But the bottom line is, I want to do things and see places, go travelling, meet inspiring people, create lasting innovations in my field of study and inspire other people, among many other things, but these days my best friends can't even give me the time of day.
I'm young. I'm 20 years old. My friends and I are just beginning our lives. Most of us aren't tied down by 9-5 jobs, full-time, serious relationships, mortgages to pay off, kids to care for. And if we did, I would understand. But the height of responsibility we seem to commonly share is paying off cars, making sure the rent gets paid, juggling study and part-time work with housemate issues and finding someone to give us free shots on a Saturday night.
I feel so terrible because it gets to the point sometimes where I resent and don't appreciate my friends. Because I feel like they couldn't give a sh!t anymore.
And it's frustrating because I seem to be surrounded by people who flatly do not share my vision of travelling and creating things etc.
It's so hard to get ahead in this world.

So in a sense I feel like I'm trapped at times. I wonder if this is the nature of this life. To keep most people held back, while select few are allowed to reach lofty heights of inspiration and revolution through their words and actions. I know that many people believe that there are evil people running this show, and for evil purposes. I'm partial to the idea that there are evil people running this show, but for a good reason. I think that they secretly want human beings to triumph in love and compassion. It's not part of their purpose in this life to show it, though. In fact, they have to avoid at all costs. That's why I believe that anyone who does get ahead and makes something of their lives, those who leave a dent on the world, are truly something else, and should be appreciated as such.

I wish that I knew their secret so that I could start to make something of my life.

When all seems lost, you're looking in the wrong place.

When you've had enough, insist on more.

When you cant see, Close your eyes.

All we can do is take things one day at a time and hope for the best.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

ever have one of those moments when you know you have something to say, but you just can't get the words out right?

Feeling numb.
Is the world is going crazy?
Does anyone care?
I don't know.
I care, but does it matter that I do?

Pain killers will do this to you.
I'm in pain, by back hurts.
lol

What do I believe?
That question has been asked of me many times, so I thought I would answer it for myself.
This is really an organization of my thoughts, and if anyone chooses to read it, than thank you for taking the time to do so.
I do not however, expect anyone to agree with me nor am I going to try and convince anyone either.
Wake up tomorrow morning in your bed, and believe whatever you want to believe.
I'm going to try and keep it as simple as possible.
For starters,

I believe in life that exists and has originated from other places as well as here on Earth.
The reason I believe this among others.

I also believe that there is intelligent life out there as well.
Not only more intelligent but more advanced.

Which leads me to believe that this planet has had company in the past and will again.
In addition, i feel that we may have even been influenced by visitors.

Perhaps the most important part of what I believe is, that human beings are much more capable of amazing things than we are led to believe. I fell that we are suppressed at every turn in this life, but some people manage to overcome and surpass that suppression, and those people are our most creative, most original.
We are suppressed, because those with the power don't want those without becoming too much of a threat to revealing the truth of our world.
" None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who think they are free."
Just enough disruption to perpetuate the idea of freedom of thought.
I don't know why those with the power want to control us and suppress us, but I think that it's not for our own good. In fact, it's not even for their own good. Who would want to perpetuate a horrible existance for their fellow humanity besides a bunch of masochists?
Is that what those in power are?

I believe we need to be free, and the more we keep looking for those things that separate us from one another the more we forget what we all have in common and can never be free.

Religion is not a bad thing and I believe strongly in a GOD.
Anyone that would tell me how to believe though, is another story.
Religion is not about God or spirituality anymore. It's about business, just as it's always been.
Don't get me wrong, there are those organizations that want nothing more than to increase our spiritual awareness, and help humanity as a whole, but they are few and far between.

Which leads me to this.
Any religion that would deny evolution is a farce.
Evolution can and does compliment.
The Universe/Earth was created by GOD, through evolution.
Seriously how hard is that to comprehend?
2 Million years in merely a blink of an eye to an entity which is Timeless.

Spirituality is not only necessary to understanding the secrets of the universe but may very well be what can get us off this rock and and onto another.

If I have a soul, and a planet 5 light years from here has a being that has a soul, then perhaps one soul can travel from one planet to another.
Perhaps that is the best way to travel to other worlds, but since we've been suppressed, we can't remember any of it anymore.
Again, what's the point of keeping us here. Is it for our own good, to protect us from going somewhere we should not go, or is it we are being collected for selfish reasons.

The most poignant of what I believe, is that everything is connected.
Our lives, our technology, our spirituality, our wellness.

We take thing tooooooooooooo literal, and never take the time to realize that we don't know everything, and that things don't necessarily need to make sense to us to work. We can barely comprehend our own places here on this Earth, do we really need to be thinking of greater things?

I BELIEVE we are all life, and all have something in common, but sometimes we forget that.



(((If proof was right in front of us and undeniable, would we believe it?)))
☯