Be that as it may...

I know it doesn´t have anything to do with any subjects discussed on this very site but to me and the little country of Sweden in northern Europe my life is an utopia...

This is about a rare subject, everyone knows who we are but no one ever speak of us, why I don´t know but on the other hand we seldom open ourselves...

The next time you watch the news...don´t you ever forget that the soldier you see is an emotional person who´s about to pay the biggest prize of all! His life...

But still I sit at home by my self with a bag-in-box, and yes, I don´t know but it's just tough and I probably only want to make myself heard. ..

Writing for me is like talking so like that there is no difference ...
Pardon my english cause I´m swedish and not english speaking by birth...

My mom was 57 years old and came to visit me in July last year and 3 weeks after she returned to our hometown, it was found that she had a brain tumor the size of a silver dollar to make a long story short.

She had implanted a shunt, a small plastic tube that would drain the fluid from her head and has undergone 2 op after that, and 30 radiation sequenses, and I seriously do not know how many MRI ...

Wits left her in the first operation, but she came back afterwards and after 3 months it started all over or what to say ...

A few days ago, she was defined as a pensioner, no one understood what she said, and the things she did say was blown away in the next sentence, she had less memory than a goldfish, a vegetable ...

5 years ago my dad walked away from lungcancer 55 years old.

I myself am 39 my brother 40 and my sister 32, so as I see it, we are not so old? I do not feel old for the most part, however, I feel now that I probably should have had thrown in the towel long ago, for better or worse.

In 1998 I was married for 4 years and my Jenny was pregnant in the fifth month and to make another story very short I worked in Iceland, my Jenny was about to pick me up from the airport but she never came. ... She had begun overtaking a truck just before Copenhagen (towards Kastrup airport) when the truck she where overtaking overtook another truck, but unfortunately she missed to see that and in between there was a separation in the concrete ...

Jenny died probably instantly together with our child and I have been more or less by myself since then and feel like the loneliest man in the world right now.
I moved from the southern part of Sweden to the most northern part because I simply could not stay. I fled because I coul not handle it, I flee still 1200 km from there but still from myself ...
I dare not meet anyone else because I'm afraid to lose what I´ve never had ...

3 months ago my best friend in life commited suicide. We have made all seven trips abroad together. He was gay and major in the Swedish Army but I'm not there (hs), but any time I or he wanted to talk to one another we rang each other no matter the time and today he is also gone, he couldn´t cope no more, we saw too much #e together and I am one of the few who do not wonder.
Last we came back from Meymaneh and Mazar-I-Sharif ISAF / QRF in Afghanistan in 2005 and after that I felt that I was finished as a person simply, my close friend Niklas and colleague left us at the same time and then it was enough for me ...
We where all officers in the Swedish army. I Was a Swedish Captain at rank (lieutenant).

I am fully aware that I've seen more #e than 22 Swedes will hear about during their lifetime, even during the news hour, but at some point it keeps you going to not shut up and reveal your very intimate secrets, I am also fully aware that there are 2.2 million Swedes who do not believe in what I say just because they are just Swedish and live in a country that is one big sheltered workshop. Hear no evil, see no evil...

Continued...

However, I also know that there are 22,000 "new" Swedes who knows what I'm talking about because they´ve been through exactly the same thing! We have a lot of immigrants here!
I'm a broken man since a very long time ago, I suffer from post-traumatic stress and rarely sleeps all night. I have an issue with alcohol but on the "outside" I always show a strict fasade.

Go visit a shrink some say... Yep if someone could erase my memory, so yes, again ...

I seriously do not know how to deal with everything right now ... I just feel alone and abandoned and wonder what part of hell I belong to since I´m still on he surface?

I know I have my faults and shortcomings, people take me for a bit odd and I never talk about my past and about who I really am, as long as everyone gets to live his/hers ordinary life and wake up every morning by the wake up call, it's peace and joy in their lives. I wonder what the heck I have done wrong? So wrong that it outweighs that I will lose those who are closest to me absolutely?! I believe in Kharma in that matter that if I do harm to anyone I´ll get it back in some way... what did I do to deserve all of this?

For you as an ordinary citizen this may be an incredible life story, but not only American soldiers make sure you all sleep well at night and get your CNN updates...
Have you considered that what´s on the news is someone else's reality?
That there is someone in real life that actually experienced what you saw on the news a few years ago, or even tonight? You´ll forget it by tomorrow but we are carrying it with us for the rest of our lives, it never happens to you, do you sleep well?
With "we" I mean the simple soldiers...

I started my career in BA 01 1993/94 and BA 02 (Next turn) to see #e in the former Yugoslavia in Republica Hrvatski (Croatia) and Bosnia y Herzeg in UNPROFOR/NORDBAT2.
We were a reconnaissance group of seven Swedish reconsoldiers who appeared in Varese in 1993 and we where supposed to keep track of how many from the HVO (Croatian Bosnia militias) who were in the region and to our horror, we discovered what before our eyes seemed to be ALL OF THEM! ! These guys were hell reincarnated! We knew from start that they didn´t seem to have a soul or anythig human in them! I know! We where up close and followed these beings from the very start, that was our job!We had slipped into the back door without knowing and now there was no way out only. We called in reinforcements because we were in the proper sense really driven! F###ed! We could not even dig ourselves in, HVO where just everywhere. It was freezing and I mean that really creeping cold damp cold that finds its way everywhere in your body. Porcine Cold! After a few hours, however, troops came to our assistance. There were a few hundred Nordic soldiers who came and also got stuck in Vares and we all were exposed to heavy shelling, Sharp mode! Wherever we were moving on reconnaissance and was detected there where vein balls in the air constantly! Understand if we took our time!

And the arsenal we had consisted of what we brought with us, the aiders had vehicles that came in the form of SISU with wheels they had come over from other vehicles, most of the vehicles where shatterd!
We were the first on site after the Dutch had left the village of "Stupni do", we stood outside and more or less watched as an entire village of people were slaughtered, shot and raped before our own eyes because they were Muslims or Bosnians by HVO troops. There where fires everywhere, there where raping and killings of people constantly, adults as children! As I said, where we are a couple of hundred of us Scandinavians against more than five thousand men from the Bobovacbrigade.

Continued...

We shouted over the radio to our commanders: -You may do whatever the hell you want to sort this out otherwise you will have a hell of a lot of dead Swedes on your conscience!
HVO fired wildly about themselves! We were able to shoot back but did not do it because we knew that once we did, then if sometime all of the evils in the world would be awoken. We could absolutely not disclose our position even if we wanted.
We where paralyzed! Inertia!
After a couple of days we where reinforced by troops from Canada, but they left us pretty soon because they considered us as totally insane and thereby we where alone again, but whitin a day troops from the French foreign legion/6eme REG (tireur the elite / snipers-mineur / deminers and 1er REC / armored infantry soldiers) showed up and changed our guard. At this time the HVO had left the premecies and we went down to the Village of Stupni Do, what was left of it...
There was only a smell of burned flesh and a couple of hours earlier the smell where people...
There was no one alive...none...none... the whole village...none...
Then we went back to Camp Oden, but our troubles where far from over...this was a warzone!

The Swedish battalion from NORDBAT2 who came to our rescue pressed more refugees in a SISU than it normally can fit in a coach and managed to get through all HVO barriers but not without problems!

The issue was that the UN hens at the highest level where so very shocked by what we accomplished (Scandinavians had held a position) so they turned to a HANDBREADTH! And ordered F-117s to be on standby in Turkey if we needed. We came to need it and one of the F-117 plan was unfortunately shot down. Or should I say unfortunately, that F-117s came to our rescue?
Good for us but worse for the HVO ...
You´ve probably heard of F-117s being shot down in Bosnia but sadly more than one left the skies... I know, I saw them being shot down...

The reality is what few people have heard and each one involved has definitely their own story! It was a pure insanity of all human EVIL combined!

Let your imagination run free, for us it was a reality!
And my group was there from the very beginning to the very end!

The year after I went to Croatia with installment outside Kraljevica (Krk) and it came to our knowledge that an uprising where forming in the region of Varese but this time we skipped the Swedish way of thinking in order to prevent another tragedy! And we decided that what some of us had seen in Stupni Do could not happen again! Like the Dutch in -93, we ignored the first counter-order that we should leave the place but we could not believe what we saw so we stayed and like last time we had no direct control over the situation and against us was an entire brigade with soldiers of the Bosnian regular army . Again! Reversed situation! Now, Bosnians were out for revenge and they couldn´t care less of who stood in the way! This time we the Scandinavians, Swedes, Danes, Norwegians and Finns did not hesitate ... This time it was Croatian civilians displaced , people are people ...
But this incident it´s not so highly spoken of, but in our eyes, it was seven times worse ...
11 Scandinavian soldiers died that day...
The winner defines history!

The whole war was one big family feud as many Croats and Bosnians express it.

I was there and experienced it all in place and saw everything on the front row seat and what I say here is not liked by everyone, least of all our dear politicians who have a different version. But I 'm sick, sick of being quiet, sick of all the tragedy around me, sick of not sleeping all night, tired ...

After that I went on another 4 trips ...

And it continues...

It is not a poison, one doesn´t simply know nothing else after having gone through the crap the first time. You going back to fix everything at home is not as easy or difficult as it used to be, it simply can´t be done...
2005 I gave up my militry career because I could not survive anymore, banging on a nail is not quite the same anymore, understand me ...

Yes I'm very sad right now and I'm not the man I really am to other people. I´m someone else, somewhere else, but never there, a frontfigure for everyone to see that the clown never smiles...

You live with aggressions you do not know why they are there, you sit at home on the couch by yourself and then, when you least need it, when you're so damn lonely, and hope that it will disappear, you lock yourself to the outside and stay away from reality at times, one has been resolved so far, but how long can we (I).

But why do I carry everything on my conscience?
Turn it off here and ignore it as nonsense, but via a familiar acquaintance, you know someone who has gone through the same crap.
We are a country that boasts that we have had peace in 200 years but who beside me and my peers have made it that way? The country of Sweden lives in a lie! And all the other Scandinavian countries for that matter...

I'm not the least religious of a fairly simple reason, and I have my siblings left, but I live away from them if you say ...

Tonight my sister called and didn´t say so very much ...

Mom is gone and I should probably not be ashamed to say that I am crying like a baby ...

Look at yourself? How tough are you when the chips are down?

Look at me? I'm the toughest of all ... And I want my mother back, so very much ...

Hey, I will send you a U2U message now. Please read it. I think I can help.

Things are exactly as they should be.