posted on Aug, 25 2009 @ 11:00 PM
This is just something I dug up from years ago. These days I am usually optimistic or uncertain about most things. However, this day was a
particularly bad day for me and I tried to use colorful words to truly express myself and frustrations with life and society. It's kind of hard for
me to post this because its rather negative. But what the heck. I figured other people feel the same way at times and it might help just saying your
not alone. Misery loves company right?
~Cry Of The Philosopher~
The suppressed anger rises within me like millions of tons of magma just under the thin crusted surface of a super volcano. Every day I am tested and
taunted like a sheet of ice with the overbearing weight of an army marching across the surface. Every day I push my patience further and further into
the red zone where it was not meant to go. It is only time before I break, it is only time before this volcano of hate within me releases itself into
the atmosphere to violently poison and incinerate everyone and everything.
My mind is riddled and tormented like a madman. I am stuck in this hell of a world, just fighting to survive. Just fighting to stay on top of life. I
am giving every ounce of me to accomplish all that I can and where do I get? What do I accomplish? I accomplish literally nothing except to keep
scraping along the bottom of my food dish to lick up the rations I have sweat so profusely for. Every physical law of nature seems to be a cruel
torment created only for the purpose of such. I don't know how or why I arrived here but all I know is that I am here, in this prison of life and
society. I was born into this cage and know no other lands. My boundaries are within close proximity and grow smaller and smaller each passing day. I
have tried patiently, I have tried relentlessly and it seems the harder I try to escape the worse things become. I have no hope left as it has been
manipulated out of me through laws, authority and corruption. It has rotted from the inside out as my soul grew dark due to the surrounding nightmare
that I cannot wake up from. I have attempted from every angle possible to escape this place but the further I get the harder I am thrown back into
this cell. It is a lock down of life and the life is not one that changes. The only emotion that is strong within me and continues to grow is hate.
Hate for government, spite for media, spite for society, spite for religion and it’s sickening ways of taking advantage of others that do not
understand and are desperately searching for a deeper purpose in life, only to taint and dismember their intelligence and submit them to lies and
fear. Hate towards trends, hate towards ignorance, hate towards those who are mentally lazy and uneducated. I am full to the brim of impatience and
hate and am no longer the funny, adventurous, charming man I use to be. There will be no turning back to those ways after I have learned the truth
from what reality has to offer, from how this world is run, from how it will not change as the simple sheep don't understand and don't want to
understand anything of truth. I cannot turn back to ignorance and bliss. I must now become tempered from the storm and heat. I will ignore all the
ignorant and will give no thought to anyone that will give no thought to deeper matters.
I am breaking. Every single day a piece of me gets tossed into the flames of hate and every single day I lose more tolerance for those I loved. I
almost feel as if I know love no longer. Every one's trivial problems all seem so small and I feel so selfish for such thoughts. But alas, I cannot
muster any sympathy for it has been beaten out of me within a world so cold and careless. I grow weary of social interaction as the psychology of
trivial pursuits and irrelevant small talk disgusts me, for no deeper meaning seems to reside within such individuals any longer. I am iced over
inside and I know why, I know how it happened. However, I do not regret or wish to change it. I indulge in my hate for I cannot see anything better
within this world to care for. If there use to be something worth fighting for, it has been long lost and man has destroyed it entirely with his
abominable ways that he will not forsake.
Those people who think they know or understand how I feel do not see what I see. Those so happy set in their ways are living ignorantly and
blissfully. They cannot possibly understand anything further as they have been trained and programmed for that very purpose. I am alone and I am tired
of this prison. I wish to be free. I wish for purpose and for reason. I wish that just for one day everyone could see the truth that hides its
putrescent scar ridden face behind the curtain of society and lies. If for one day mankind could see what I see they too would be miserable as I. They
would see the horrible truth and from it could unite against such deception that rules this world. They tried, society tried, friends and family tried
and everyone tried to mold me into one of their robots for society's ways and trends. They thought I would choose the ignorant material life as they
all had. They thought by making me work, keeping me busy and displaying a manipulative barrage of media tweaked programming that they could turn me
into one of their worker ants. They were wrong. I refuse to be a drone for society and I refuse to be a sheep. I am a rogue of the system and I am a
rogue of "their" society as I claim it not as mine. They try to confuse me with the mass of information and through their trend driven, peer
pressured, ignorant and materialistic sheep. I will bend to none. Even though I am outcast I can see where everyone else is blind. I can hear where
man is deaf. I can see what others choose to willingly ignore all for the sake of comfort and safety.
Even though they think they know me, they do not for they know not even their selves. I have chosen the truth over blissful corruption and ignorance
and am miserable for doing so but I have clear vision. I am full of hate but I am knowledgeable. I am lonely but I am deep and see past the lies that
structure this world. I am the wolf and I am the rogue. I linger in the darkness free from every lie but am bound to the world of greed and corruption
they have built nonetheless. This prison is a transparent nightmare as I can see every beam and structuring support only from within my cell. I
understand how and why it is the way it is and know the sheep’s reasoning like the back of my hand, still I am locked within to be taunted by the
scenery outside beyond this hell.
We live and we die but it seems at times that we live to die or that we live for the sole reason that we will have the chance to die. Death almost
seems like the release in that I will be transferred from this prison to somewhere else. I have been sent to this prison. I know not my crime for such
a consequence but I know I am here.
I linger in the darker, abandoned, unnoticed and ridiculed areas of the world and I thrive in solitude for it brings meaning. Nature is my friend as
it is not involved with such corruption and lies. Nature is the only place where I feel closest to being free but nonetheless I am cursed to have to
rely on my prisons facilities. We are workers of our own structured, strategic demise. We are executioners of our own, we are the grave diggers of our
own grave and we have all accepted the job willingly, blindly and even satisfactorily. If there was a way to fix this world I am lost to it and it has
been buried in the core of this planet and has been riddled to death in a maelstrom of information. Man is doomed to doom himself. If there was a way
to change it all, if there were a strategic method to change or undo everything I would do so in a heartbeat. But I see no option or way to do such
things. For now and probably until I die, alone, I will remain the wolf, the rogue until some kind of saving grace can be found, until suggestions and
ideas turn into actions on a world changing level. I rogue, wolf and lone philosopher will be waiting to make a difference. Some day you may hear of
me or may know of me. Until then I ponder the realities of changing the inevitable in silence.