posted on Aug, 25 2009 @ 07:09 PM
Can you fathom a point of convergence that would solve, that would transcend your internal division? With this I am going to add my take. It is a
long encouraging rant from somebody who has had plenty of inner turmoil. Take what is helpful. Ignore what is not. But I just have to throw my 2
I know it is an unnerving, disorienting, and frightening path from time to time, but please, for your own sake, do not let the label of schizophrenia
define you. If you WILL, do not put limits on your capabilities to develop into a fulfilled, whole, unified human being, one existing beyond the
current inner turmoil you have experienced. Discuss your confusions with other people, but just try to find that they are optimistic, loving, honest,
insightful human beings. Not necessarily all of the time, as none of us is perfect, but see that they have these characteristics both naturally a
good bit of the time and idealistically in general. It sounds like your family fits this bill. Feel joy that you are so loved. It is the best thing
life has to offer, beyond anything material or fame can grant. It truly is worth more than diamonds. I find that loving people keeps me more
together and at peace as a living being, as I am sure you have noticed as well. Don't be afraid to feel your feelings, but of course try to see them
in a proper perspective. I know I am preaching to the choir, but I see something in your words to which I can relate. I guess I just care, but not
because I am necessarily some great person or something LOL, but because your words resonate with me, like I have seen the patterns before. I feel an
empathic connection. I just want to tell you that you can emerge above the water surface. Not by being at war with yourself, but by reconciling, by
making peace with warring elements. Sure, there might be warring moments from time to time, but I know that you can transcend them, if you WILL. I
have great faith that you have the will to erect a bridge across the gaps of the divided parts of yourself. Sure, be happy, have fun doing what you
like to do, and love your family, etc. in the meantime, but stay open to your very own personal reconciliation.
I am going to provide a back story in a bit, as it a good example of the chaos I have dealt with, and how it can be overcome, at least to a certain
extent. It seems like your external background was quite different from mine, but we have both suffered inner turmoil. I have had my share, and you
obviously have as well by this time. I noticed degrading patterns in the turmoil, and I also realized spiritual mindsets that can unravel the binding
chaos and division. I will first paint the picture, and I will then offer my personal insight on how I got through it all. Of course, I am not
saying that you should do the exact same thing as me. You have to choose your own forks of the road to travel upon. I do not know exactly where you
are on the vast interconnected neural road network. Only you can discern that, and you certainly can do it, or at least move in the direction. You
can sit on that center point.
Here's the story: I had a very stressful childhood, and I received lots of chaotic, inconsistent, always-rule-changing responses from my parents.
My mother was dominating, pollyannaish, and one-sided, although she would break down in a very loving, but out-of control way everyday in between her
more standoffish moments. She loved us deeply half the time, but in a too primal, almost too emotional way. The other half of the time, she was a
formidable psychological wall that could not be penetrated.
My father was a hermit, angry, and possessed a saboteur streak, of everything but his career. He destroyed his own personality, and always sought to
level and/or dominate his children. He was quite irrational, and being a voice of reason brought forth violent wrath. The wrath was often verbal (he
was a psychology major, as well as my mother, so they were very good at mind-screwing manipulation) and sometimes very physical, to the point of
leaving bruises over my entire body. I was told if I said anything, then CPS would take me to a nasty group home with a foster parent ten times worse
than my father. They would both play mind games, questioning the authenticity of memories, basically able to instill a self-nihilism in their
children. It was a dynamic that grew out of control. I honestly believe that there were short moments of hope for a change in the dynamic, but that
for the most part, this whole thing had taken on a life of its own, rendering both parents and most siblings locked in a hideous reality tunnel, which
had no bearing on the greater reality one bit.
I was the willful one, the second of all four boys. I was the born justice seeker. I developed the whole gold lion personality at an early age. I
thought of myself as a seeker of peace, but one who was able to be active and strong. My parents, through the dynamic, helped squash that vision,
leaving me a zero. I developed bi-polar disorder with accompanying compulsive thoughts. My thoughts trailed and trailed, delving further and further
into the abstract. I was perpetually going down a rabbit whole, trying to make sense of my place in this vast world. I unraveled layer upon layer,
until all that was left was a seed. I grabbed onto that seed, and I have gotten better ever since. I still have brief moments of a descent into a
vast ocean of disorientation and anxiety, but I am able to willfully shift my perspective when this occurs. Not always do I do this, but I do so most
of the time, and I WILL do so more and more of the time, ever-increasing the frequency.
The key is to take control, but to also be willing to see an ever-bigger view. I think the key to not getting lost in the maze while at the same time
being able to move around (mentally), is to be MINDFUL of a few things in this oftentimes confusing, conflicting, schizophrenic world. You see, if
you collectivize human beings, we are at a state of war against ourselves; we are divided, split against ourselves. The sum of all people acts as a
sort of schizophrenic being.