posted on Aug, 23 2009 @ 03:37 AM
I've felt that way all my life.
I never really had many friends, had a brief relationship once, and generally can't stand the physical pain i feel being around people who are mostly
oblivious to their ignorance.
I could never understand, even as a young kid, people and their social actions. Every time i made some form of attempt to socialize or engage in
some form of social activity i couldn't bring myself to pretend i didn't hate trying to lie to myself for the pleasing of others. So i just did
what i did and didn't bother having any form of social interaction. It all went completely against logic and it still does, i can't fathom how
people think or what motivates them. How does one become greedy, or hateful, deceitful without encountering any missteps in logic with these and
other negative paths? Does one not stop to ponder or think about their life's choices. I see so many people make drastic and usually negative
life altering decisions on an offhanded whim with no regard for the results of their choices and actions. And, it's accepted as normal to do so in
This only leads me to two possible conclusions, that people just don't know, or don't care. I really hope they don't know and their evil is borne
from ignorance and lack of any common sense. I REALLY hope that it's not that nobody cares but i oftentimes fear this is the exact case. The only
hope i have is that everyone really is that blind. It's hard for me to comprehend the level of ignorance as I'm astounded by it on a daily basis,
i can't imagine a life of not knowing anything but how to navigate the simple little rat maze of "normal" life that requires knowing nothing but
how to fit in and follow orders. I don't even know what's on tv, haven't seen it for years, but i can't imagine knowing nothing but THAT, like
so many people i see do. When i interact i try to spark off meaningful intelligent conversation but i get a tilted head of misunderstanding, and a
reply of what happened on TV last week. It hurts so much to see so much wasted life, millions upon millions upon billions of people who COULD
accomplish what we can't even begin to dream today IF we applied ourselves to more than just knowing what happened on TV and how to look busy enough
not to get yelled at for doing your meaningless work shoddily.
So it's a balance between the pain of loneliness and the pain of companionship, and usually loneliness wins out, almost every time. Solitude hurts
a lot less than to be surrounded by the blindness of those all lying to themselves and pretending that's how it supposed to be. Even loved ones,
it's hard to tolerate the company of anyone at all, there's many people i have immense love and affection for that i don't want to be around or
talk to, because it hurts to see people i care about struggle against their own self-unawareness, and to go through such needless pain and reduced
quality of life.
For me, ATS is the most communication and socialization i engage in, i go for weeks sometimes without actually having any contact with others aside
from the occasional post/rant when i feel passionate about expressing my thoughts and knowledge to an audience that may understand what i'm
For me most of life is pain, both physical and emotional. My body is pretty used up, beaten and battered, broken bones, (i may have chipped a new
bone tonight earler, yay!) my hands hardly work, and plenty of nerve damage makes every little activity, including sleeping, and sitting here, very
painful. As far as emotional pain, it's constant as well, for as long as i'm on this planet in it's current state, i feel imprisoned by
But some time ago i realized that pain is all i've got, so i might as well enjoy it, and i do. It's my comfort, it's the only companion i feel
comfortable having near me, and i've got plenty of it so i'm never "lonely" in that way. I find myself in tears over physical pain when my body
spasms and cramps up, but at least i get to experience that powerful of a sensation, and i gain hope, for when pain overwhelms me, i get to hope that
it eases up just a bit, and that's the only thing i get to hope for. Pain is the only companion i've ever had that hasn't lied to me or betrayed