I'm so AFRAID!!

Hello, at the risk of talking to myself as I usually do on this board, I would like to share a bit.

I wasn't always afraid, well maybe a little. I used to be afraid of what my Dad would do, if I disappointed him. I use to act on good behavior as much as I knew how, to keep the house from becoming a dark cloud for everyone else, especially my lovely Mother.

Other than that, I was not always scared. Well, maybe I was a little scared of the punishment I would get if my grades were less than satisfactory. I was scared of the teachers too, because they held the power to inform my parents every bad thing I do, and as a result I would suffer the long dark walk home afraid of the consequences.

Other than that, I'm pretty strong. Well, my parents took me to Asia when I was a young boy, I lost all my friends and what I called home..the last home I ever had. I had no control over this decision since I was too young. American friends were always coming and going, and I was afraid of creating lasting relationships.

Other than that, I'm pretty strong. Well, I didn't speak the language in that Country, so I was naked and vulnerable to anyone who wanted to exploit me or my situation. The police were very strict there..and you often felt like you were being watched.

I was afraid to talk to my Dad, because he was so unapproachable. I was afraid of asking him for things that I did not have the ability to do myself. The villiage we lived in was very sparse and transportation was nill.

I was afraid of the terrorist acts targeted at Americans. Bombs would go off in malls and we would often get escorted home.

Life was fine, and I was strong for the most part. Well, I became afraid of any authority figure that approached me with anything other than a pleasant hello. Teachers, law, native people, doctors etc... I longed to come back to my old neighborhood.

I was afraid of flying, because of the terrorist bombings. We came back to the States and pitched tent for a while. I didn't know the people or the geography. It was first time I experienced a true winter. The cold, black ice was hard to walk on towards the school bus stop. The bus ride was so lonely, and the people were not very nice.

I was afraid of bad areas in towns because of what I heard on the news. I was afraid of car accidents because of Channel 11 news. I heard the statistics and didn't like it. My Mom was always worried about me going out to be with friends and do what all normal teens do, and I was afraid of making her worried....because I could not handle the disappointment of my parents.

Gradually I got stronger. Oh, well, I was happy during my first marriage because my wife was like a mother figure. She constantly made me feel like a man, even though I wasn't. She approved everything I did and I felt like a happy little puppy. A boy on the inside...

As soon as trouble came into the marriage, I became afraid of my wife. Not physically, because I showed her on many occasions how strong and scary I was. Lot's of punch holes in the walls and broken vases. But I was only 22....she was 19.

I became scared of her disapproval...didn't know why. I guess I don't like disappointing people. I acted out violently to thump my chest and show her I was boss...when I was only a child in a Man's body.

When she left me, I lost my job, I felt the bottomless pit in my gut as many do. I felt in a spiral going down in flames. But my "mommy" came to the rescue and I was slowly nurtured back into a form of a half-man.

I began drinking and going to dance clubs. Having different women every weekend. Some protected sex, some not. I was a decent looking fellow, so I got my ego stroked and I felt like a man. But I was actually a little boy.

I nearly was killed in an auto accident after driving home drunk and started cleaning myself up.

CONTINUED...

All that doesn't sound too abnormal to me.

I still want my mommy and I'm 62.

Your situation is not unique.

I remember my dad hit a wall to keep from knocking me out and hit a stud in the wall and broke his hand. I was 16 at the time.

I hope you will get to the point of what you fear now in your next post.

By the way, my son is a real man and he still needs me once in a while to bolster his spirits.

[edit on 14-8-2009 by dizziedame]

Part 2,

I screwed up my credit cards when I was young and was not able to successfully finish two different payment plans due to financial hardship.

I got my first unemployment check after 26 years of employment. Felt good. Felt like I was going to be ok, until I was able to get back on my feet. As time worn on, and overdraft fees piled up, I began to be scared that my unemployment might end and that I would not find work. Afraid of paying rent

I was afraid of loosing my Honda which I had to get to replace my broken car. When I got a new job, I was afraid of displeasing my boss because he could fire me and I would loose my bank-owned car. After all...I was a car owner...like some people are home owners...

Afraid of asking my father for help. terrified.
I began to get a little stronger to mask my fears and started getting my act together. I found a very special woman who I married and we made a son. I was afraid throughout the pregnancy because the tests didn't come back favorable.

After he was born, I was afraid of Infant Child death and an array of other disasters that await a newborn. I tried my best and did what I was supposed to do. I love my son and my wife who is truly a blessing to me.

So hear I am, with a great wife who sees me for what I can be and who loves me eternally. I started a company and made great money, things looked good.

Then the company disintegrated like most do, and I was back in an office, taking a few steps down..just so I could get the job. I was afraid of loosing it... I'm getting older now...and I know I am nothing but an eggshell near a cliff.

Then the stock crash came, I was afraid of loosing my job.

I lost my job. Back on unemployment. This time for a year.

After such a sabbatical I began doing some reading and learning. I learned about the world for the first time, even though I had traveled around it twice as a child and an adult. My eyes began to open.

Then came the reality of the NWO.
I started being afraid of people going crazy in my town,
Afraid of riots and FEMA camps. Afraid of Swine Flu, Afraid of Vaccine. Now it is quite something to be afraid of the disease and the cure!!!
I was afraid of loosing my rights
I was afraid of never getting a job again, thus becoming more afraid and concerned about getting a steady flow of unemployment checks to carry me a few more months while I find work.

I became afraid of what I will do for my son's education. Public school is so bad nowadays. So I home school him. He is really doing well, and very smart.

I became stressfull about his safety because the world seems to be going crazy.

People on the Net everywhere are talking about storing weapons and ammo. a years supply of food and medicine for any possible bilogical warfare or marshal law.

I was afraid of having my kid taken from me to get flu shots forced on him.
I was afraid of what my wife will think if I don't secure a job sometime soon and start providing again. She hasn't pressured me, but I can tell she is concerned.

I became afraid of Nuclear war, money..bills...even afraid of my clients not paying their invoices for the little side contract work I do.

Afraid to go out...afraid to stay in. Afraid to sleep, afraid to stay awake. Afraid of rejection, afraid of talking to strangers and getting to know people again. Afraid of the wars, my president, the police, the government, the NWO, the guns, the gangs, the cartels, the kidnappings, the human trafficking, the pedophiles, the rapists, the murderers, the thugs.

Now my eyes are opening again, and I'm learning from scratch how to be a REAL man who is afraid of nothing...I do better every day..it is hard..but I am stronger today than I was yesterday...I'm a good father and husband and I'm doing the best I can.

I had to live 3 decades to finally be born. I feel so naked, but invigorated with my new vision of myself. Joke was on me, but not anymore.

How afraid you? CONTINUED

[edit on 14-8-2009 by juzchi

[edit on 14-8-2009 by juzchilln]

Continued part 3 and final note:

I realized that fear has been my guiding light for my whole entire life. It was the only thing that motivated me. That and pleasing my parents. Because if they're happy..I get to play with my toys and feel bliss.

I needed to grow up. Need to grow up.

I received a certified mail from the IRS. TAX LIEN. I panicked. Now everything I own is subject to seizure if I don't pay the taxes I owe. I'm on a payment plan, but they automatically cage you until you complete the payments. But I'm out of work, and my unemployment check hasn't arrived yet...3 weeks late.

So I began to get fear again this morning. Until I said ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

I can't go on like this! My son deserves more, my wife and family. But above ALL, I deserved better.

Currently, I am sitting in my chair with a belly full of mush trying to fight my way through this indoctrinated fear and it is very difficult. I'm twice the man I was last year but Jesus this is so hard.

I'm not the type to do anything violent, although bank robbery looks pretty.....interesting. But I will never do anything to jeopardize being with my son.

Fear is the game, that is what keeps us all from being what we used to be in ancient times. Beings with higher conscience.

It is only revealed to you, when you have nothing left. Because if you're boat is sailing nicely and you have a nice little job and you're making your payments like a good little boy, it's hard to see the underlying lava pit that is below your feet.

Pray for me as I pray for you. These times will be the test of our nature and our ability to be real men and real women. There is no time for superficial BS this time around.

I just read all three of your posts. It's ok to be afraid, even if most people on here don't want to admit it...they are afraid too including me. I think we are all afraid of the unknown. With everything that is going on around the world it hard to say rather or not if things will ever be ok.

Everyone worries about similair things that you posted. Sometimes you can't help but to worry or cry. Sometimes things just seem out of control. It's a scarey world out there, but one can't hide from it forever. You just have to deal with it and keep moving forward.

Man, you're actually doing pretty good.
Hunnies every weekend with sex?? Jeez, I can't even get one hunny without sex. I couldn't even get some hybrid alien hunnies.. my luck is pretty terrible.

And, hey, there's reason to be afraid. All of those things you listed are scary. Being a man is cool, too, but it's a pretty scary planet. You have to know scary when you see scary! And you even forgot to metion like aliens and stuff! Sounds like you were scared of everything BUT the aliens!

Don't cave in to fear...

Fear is what "they" want...

Turn fear to preparation/vigilance/knowledge...

"There's nothing to fear but fear its self?"

Fear is a manifestation of not knowing the unknown...know your fears...embrace them...

Knowledge is power...study your foe...find it's weak spots...

If done properly...you will have the advantage and a position of power...for your fear gives them power...

[edit on 8/14/2009 by Hx3_1963]

Dang hiccup in the "Matrix" Gggrrr...why won't it go away!!!!

[edit on 8/14/2009 by Hx3_1963]

We all have the same fears to some degree. Yours are getting the best of you.It seems you have proved you can make it in difficult circumstances. Trust yourself.

You are letting fear paralyze you when you could let it motivate you. It could even motivate you to the point that you have nothing to fear because you can do something to defeat it and that can only give you confidence.

Recently, in April, I quit my job at age 63, with a new house payment and a car payment. I took the clues from the universe (God) as I have learned to understand them and did what was best for me mentally and emotionally. I discovered that when I need something and trust the universe (God)provides.

Your biggest problem, as I see it, is letting what others think of you matter. I remind myself that I am simply a fallible human who makes mistakes just like everyone else, or we probably wouldn't be here. The when I fear others thoughts I remind myself that at least I know who I AM.

Best of luck to you as you work this out. I am sure with all ATS you will get many constructive comments.

Hi! I feel for you. At Forty we all go through a mid life crisis.
I drove myself nuts. I even dyed my hair blonde for a month.
I had a list of twenty symptoms of what was wrong, similar to yours,
turns out my hormone level had dropped to almost nothing, going on hormone pills fixed me 85%. Maybe you've got a medical /chemical
imbalance your unaware of. A physical at the doctors is a good idea. Vitamins are good, they always tell unhappy women to take vitamin B, st. johns wort, talk to your healthcare provider. Stay away from caffine, drink lots of water. I started walking 4-12 miles a week in the fall through spring. Focus on your son and the simple joys in life, volunteer at the schools if you have the time, we ALL feel awful and unhappy with things. Recessions don't last forever, things always get better hang in there! My folks and husband moved me around alot too. I've lived in many different places. Gardening brings peace and harmony in a chaos world. Good luck!

This is not tax advice - but what I did was: I looked up the Taxpayer Advocate phone number for my state on the IRS website, called and asked about placing my balance due on "currently not collectible status". I am also out of work and unable to pay at this time. Again, this is not tax advice and I am sending positive thoughts your way!

[edit on 14-8-2009 by riverdrive]

Here's an idea, Should everyone on their own, decide not to pay the income tax;decide on their own not to comply on every level, consequences be D*mned, then the NWO would loose everything. The NWO has a target on us all; why not just execute passive resistance, or civil disobedience!!!

I have a friend who declared bankruptcy 5 years ago and owed the IRS 38K. Last year he went to a tax advocacy place and the IRS offered to let him off for 5500 plus 4000 he had to pay the lawyer. That is a good a pretty good tax break.

reply to post by juzchilln


Yes I was afraid too. But I have faith in our God. Get yourself and family into a good church, during these times we will need to pull together. After me and my husband lost our jobs and insurance we got scared started back to church started reading and learning (like you the world opened up for us). We gave our lives back over to Jesus Christ and our fears are calmed. I am not scared anymore because action makes you feel in control so we came up with a plan. We are preparing for even harder times. Stocking up on food, water, first aid supplies, medicine, hygiene products, and educating ourselves on survival. What makes me sad is knowing our daughter will not grow up in the same America we did. She will not know peace and security. This is the heart wrenching part. But I have to stay focused on God's plan. I try to make the most of everyday and make my daughter's life joyfull as possible because I know those days are counting down. So take these steps:
Dedicate your life to Jesus Christ
Bond with your Church family as well as your natural family
Start preparing
Love your son and give him as much joy as you can while you can
I will pray for you my friend, my brother God bless and U2U me if you need too.

Juzchillin, you sound like you are addicted to emotions and the endorphins that are released. Fear is a rush, sex is a rush. You must be able to separate yourself from your emotions.

Your emotions are not you, they are a manifestation that you project. externalize them and you will be fine.

I've been able to conquer my fears with the mantra I paraphrased from the book Dune by Frank Herbert.

"fear is the mind-killer, let it pass over you and through you like a wave"

You will be fine, it's the people who don't reach out for help that are in real danger. Hang tough brother.

reply to post by Asktheanimals


After meditating on that today, I realize what you are saying. Fear is a powerfull force that few or fortunate to conquer.

I have to get in the habit of letting my fear pass through me, but not stay inside me. It's hard work. But I'm at rock bottom now....at least as far down as I'd like to go....

reply to post by frugal


I will do my best frugal. These are tough waters to navigate, it's nice to know that I'm not alone. Somewhere under all this fear I covered myself with...is a man waiting to come out at the other side. If I can just shed the indoctrinated fear.

reply to post by Melissa101


Hi melissa101, God has played a huge part in my journey through this darkness. He has definitely lightened the burden that I've felt lately.

I read in the newspaper about how many men in America are suffering unemployment while their wives work, their whole lives are shifted and their ability to cope has been very difficult.

Without God or the belief that you will make it through this, there is no chance. So I thankyou for your prayers and I'll say one for you as well.

reply to post by dizziedame


Hi dizzydame, I realize now that I'm not alone. Posts like yours help a lot and I thank you.

reply to post by MegaCurious


LOL!! I guess you're right. I'm pretty cool with the thought of Alien encounters...but put me on the phone with the IRS and my heart get's goin!