posted on Aug, 14 2009 @ 07:09 PM
Hello, at the risk of talking to myself as I usually do on this board, I would like to share a bit.
I wasn't always afraid, well maybe a little. I used to be afraid of what my Dad would do, if I disappointed him. I use to act on good behavior as
much as I knew how, to keep the house from becoming a dark cloud for everyone else, especially my lovely Mother.
Other than that, I was not always scared. Well, maybe I was a little scared of the punishment I would get if my grades were less than satisfactory.
I was scared of the teachers too, because they held the power to inform my parents every bad thing I do, and as a result I would suffer the long dark
walk home afraid of the consequences.
Other than that, I'm pretty strong. Well, my parents took me to Asia when I was a young boy, I lost all my friends and what I called home..the last
home I ever had. I had no control over this decision since I was too young. American friends were always coming and going, and I was afraid of
creating lasting relationships.
Other than that, I'm pretty strong. Well, I didn't speak the language in that Country, so I was naked and vulnerable to anyone who wanted to
exploit me or my situation. The police were very strict there..and you often felt like you were being watched.
I was afraid to talk to my Dad, because he was so unapproachable. I was afraid of asking him for things that I did not have the ability to do myself.
The villiage we lived in was very sparse and transportation was nill.
I was afraid of the terrorist acts targeted at Americans. Bombs would go off in malls and we would often get escorted home.
Life was fine, and I was strong for the most part. Well, I became afraid of any authority figure that approached me with anything other than a
pleasant hello. Teachers, law, native people, doctors etc... I longed to come back to my old neighborhood.
I was afraid of flying, because of the terrorist bombings. We came back to the States and pitched tent for a while. I didn't know the people or the
geography. It was first time I experienced a true winter. The cold, black ice was hard to walk on towards the school bus stop. The bus ride was so
lonely, and the people were not very nice.
I was afraid of bad areas in towns because of what I heard on the news. I was afraid of car accidents because of Channel 11 news. I heard the
statistics and didn't like it. My Mom was always worried about me going out to be with friends and do what all normal teens do, and I was afraid of
making her worried....because I could not handle the disappointment of my parents.
Gradually I got stronger. Oh, well, I was happy during my first marriage because my wife was like a mother figure. She constantly made me feel like a
man, even though I wasn't. She approved everything I did and I felt like a happy little puppy. A boy on the inside...
As soon as trouble came into the marriage, I became afraid of my wife. Not physically, because I showed her on many occasions how strong and scary I
was. Lot's of punch holes in the walls and broken vases. But I was only 22....she was 19.
I became scared of her disapproval...didn't know why. I guess I don't like disappointing people. I acted out violently to thump my chest and show
her I was boss...when I was only a child in a Man's body.
When she left me, I lost my job, I felt the bottomless pit in my gut as many do. I felt in a spiral going down in flames. But my "mommy" came to
the rescue and I was slowly nurtured back into a form of a half-man.
I began drinking and going to dance clubs. Having different women every weekend. Some protected sex, some not. I was a decent looking fellow, so I
got my ego stroked and I felt like a man. But I was actually a little boy.
I nearly was killed in an auto accident after driving home drunk and started cleaning myself up.