posted on Aug, 10 2009 @ 08:37 AM
This is all about breaking free of the barriers that were built around you.
I'll get right to it. Art. Expression.
I used to be one of those people who couldn't draw a stick figure earlier this year. A few months ago and for reasons i still don't understand, i
bought a set of acrylic paints and a few brushes. I got home, and just dove in without even so much as a conscious thought about it. I started
"doodling" with the paint and after mindlessly slinging paint around randomly i found myself in a sort of meditative, peaceful state. When i
realized that just the activity in itself of moving the brush and making something that wasn't there a second ago, regardless if it was just random
lines and shapes, i felt a release of my personal expression i've never quite felt before in other creative endeavors.
And then came anger, when i realized why i never knew how to express myself in this way, and why i had such a problem with art before. Something i
remembered from either kindergarten or first grade, i can't quite place which, but it was around that time. Easter. For art class that day we
were given glue, water, a sheet of heavy paper as a canvas and some strips of tissue paper. We were supposed to make an easter egg. I thought that
was pretty lame, so as everyone else went along mushing some wadded strips of tissue paper crudely into an egg shape, i went to work straightening
out all of my strips and gluing them into geometrical patterns that i thought were more creative than an easter egg.
My "art" was thrown away, i had to sit in the corner, and basically was excluded and told that i failed art that day. I remember how crushed i
felt when they told me my art was wrong. I just remember feeling outcast, worthless, and confused at why the thing i created that was a reflection
of my thoughts was so wrong. I remember before that though, i used to draw all kinds of stuff with crayons and also paint with those little kids
watercolor paints. I know i did, but i can't remember a single thing i created as a kid besides my geometric "easter egg" that i was ostracized
When i realized just how much that one idiotic excuse for a teacher took away any desire i had to create anything visual, a lifetime of frustration of
my inability to express myself came to the surface.
So i painted. I slung paint at the canvas with only one thought, that i'll not be told what to do this time around. I ended up with hours of time
unaccounted for, swallowed by a million swirling flavors of anger and pain, worked it to tears, and through it i created something that i truly feel a
I don't like to show anyone my art, though not for reasons of insecurity, far from it now, but because it really doesn't matter what the hell anyone
else thinks of it. I do it for myself and nobody else.
I did accidentally let some of my neighbors catch a glimpse of a piece when i tried unsuccessfully to sneak outside to look at it under natural light.
That piece now hangs on display in a four star restaurant alongside "professional" art.
Now, i paint, draw in pencil, colored pencil, charcoal, oil pastels, and lately have been using photoshop to bring my sketches to life. I'm
eventually going to explore as many different ways to create visual art as i can, but at least now i know that i can express myself in visual ways.
Now it's your turn. What chains have you cast off?