Alright hopefully BTS can help.

Although many in BTS despise me. Lol, really despise me.

Seriously.

I've been through a brilliantly astounding amount of personally close deaths, and I just don't know how to deal with them, they've caused insomnia, tensions, and tons of other things.

I don't want to see a doctor, because they will prescribe Xanax along with other things my family is addicted to in a zombie state for life, suffering the extreme withrdrawels if only momentarily.

It's just become alot to bear, and I know I have to eventually grab it by the horns, and can't.I'

Does anyone know how they grabbed it by the horns, I've listened to the songs, reanacted and such, but just can't, am I that emotionally detached.

I've taken the grief classes, I know the stages, yet I feel they do more harm then good, knowing what is coming is worse then what actually comes.

If I could only turn it into something good.

That's it, I have to turn it into something good, find what they WOULD'VE wanted, past tense if they were alive,

I've got to figure out how I can justify them, and myself.
Well if I could play a song for my deceased and lovers, and drug addicts, and those who have died under trains, 18 wheelers, gang fights, killed in baths by parents, killed by suicide, killed by stray bullets. Here ya go.

I'm sorry. I have no idea how an atheist could deal with the deaths of loved ones. That must be incredibly hard.

But I'm pretty sure listening to a song like that, about not letting go, probably doesn't help. I might be misunderstanding, but I think you are very emotionally attached (not detached).

There's nothing wrong with being attached though, and it's a beautiful song.

Here's my suggestion... Sister Hazel "Running Through the Fields", he wrote it for his brother who died. The song actually starts around 2:30..


And another one a friend sent me years ago...


That Leonard Cohen song was inspired by this poem:

The god forsakes Antony

When suddenly, at midnight, you hear
an invisible procession going by
with exquisite music, voices,
don’t mourn your luck that’s failing now,
work gone wrong, your plans
all proving deceptive—don’t mourn them uselessly.
As one long prepared, and graced with courage,
say goodbye to her, the Alexandria that is leaving.
Above all, don’t fool yourself, don’t say
it was a dream, your ears deceived you:
don’t degrade yourself with empty hopes like these.
As one long prepared, and graced with courage,
as is right for you who were given this kind of city,
go firmly to the window
and listen with deep emotion, but not
with the whining, the pleas of a coward;
listen—your final delectation—to the voices,
to the exquisite music of that strange procession,
and say goodbye to her, to the Alexandria you are losing.

- Constantine P. Cavafy (1911)

I don't know what else to tell you, but to be grateful you had them in your life, and maybe because they no longer have to suffer with life on Earth (whether or not there is anything after life doesn't matter). I would agree that Xanax is probably a bad idea, a change of perspective would be better than just dulling feelings/pain.

Edited to add:
I don't mourn, so most people would probably say I'm the one who needs to see a doctor. Who am I to tell you how to feel?


[edit on 8/10/2009 by eMachine]