posted on Aug, 6 2009 @ 03:06 PM
Thanks for all the good advice so far. I'm sort past the storm of dissonance and can think a little clearer.
I think a big part of the problem really is that I'm trying to achieve two things, I'm trying to be successful in a worldly sense but I'm also
trying to achieve a higher state of spiritual and mental existence. I think the problem really arises when you consider the fact that I'm not
terribly interested in material and worldly success, I feel that the world is, well, rather evil for lack of a better word. If you also factor in my
feeling that one must be, well, evil to succeed in an evil world it becomes apparent why I'm having so much difficulty.
I feel like I have to betray myself, act in a way contrary to my nature, to achieve things I don't really care for in a society I'm not terribly
I don't really care about money or fame, knowledge is much more important to me. Knowledge and the expansion of my talents are much more valuable
than fancy cares or pretty clothes. I feel like I've learned so much that I can't operate on the lower goetic levels of the common material world
which are needed for worldly success.
I also hate the idea of selling my life away, an hour at a time, for much less than I feel 40 years of my life should be worth.
However, there is the more down to Earth problem of my never wanting to be without food again, my desire to sleep indoors and wear clothing that
isn't falling off.
For some reason I have trouble operating in normal society, I can't seem to accomplish things which seems really easy for other people yet I seem to
accomplish things others see as hard with relative ease. I just wish I could figure out what is holding me back, why it feels like I'm constantly
shoved and pointed in a direction other than the one I had chosen.
I do believe in things happening for a reason, I keep trying to tell myself that my life goes the way it does because it's supposed to, that
everything really is the way it's supposed to be even if I don't always like it.
The bottom line is I can't be any differently than I am really, even I wanted to be "evil" it probably wouldn't happen for very long. I have
always felt that the "good path" is a harder road than the "evil path" and I suppose the extra effort is worth it in the end, if for nothing else
than the piece of mind you get from knowing you didn't spend you days wallowing in the mud pit with the rest of the swine, trampling pearls beneath
you feet, completely ignorant of what's happening when the farmer comes around with his axe.
Thanks again for all the great advice, I'm sure most people wouldn't have thought to ask for advice on a conspiracy board but my years here have
taught me differently.