Life over the Edge of Despair

Familiar territory and familiar friends. Depression and Misery are almost glad to see me. If they were capable of happiness, I swear they would smile.

The old familiar feeling of relief to find myself on familiar ground.

The heart beats cold in a breast which is empty and void, except for the forlorn presence of the heart.

The heart is grey and barren. A desolate landscape in which to wander. A true Wasteland.

The yearnings have become unbearable. The cold little heart strains at the leash. Only one thing will pacify it. Its true love. The one thing left in the world it can respond to. The one thing in the world it cannot have. Dream of yachts and jewels if you must, they may be attainable. But the lost love is lost forever. Stubbornly it refuses to come back. Stubbornly, the heart refuses to believe it. Cold and stubborn. A rejected heart that used to beat warm and in harmony with the beloved. Now it beats coldly and in slow motion.

The tears are hot and bitter, they run like rivers over the cold wastes of the heart. The water fails to nourish or revive. It scores the landscape which dies a little more with each shower of pain. Tiny drops, the harbingers of floods to come. Raging out of control and storming. Turning to great floes of ice over the cold terrain. The heat gone, to be replaced by numbness. Comforting numbness, until the next tirade.

These are your surroundings, the ground on which you walk. The atmosphere which permeates your every thought and dream. The coldness underlies your attitude to life itself. There is nothing inside, and all you find reflected on the outside is the same nothing. Nothing there for you, ever.

And yet you fooled yourself. Let yourself flirt with happiness. Short-lived happiness, which lifted you above yourself. Warmed the empty spaces in your heart. Filled them until they came alive. Then fled, and left you with emptier empty spaces. Such emptiness as could never be imagined. Only experienced. So empty and yet so resoundingly full. Of longings. Longings so long they stretch to the end of the Universe and back. Never to be fulfilled. An ache that will stretch to Eternity.

You cry each night, determined to empty yourself of all the grief. But grief comes in a Cornucopia, a Horn of Plenty. It never runs dry. You drain the cup each night, and by morning it is replenished. Grief invites you to drink of it every day of your existence. All too often you have an excuse to accept its invitation.

****************


The fear is not of dying. It is of the consequences of tking ones own life.

How immoral is it to break the strand?

How many different ways can the strand be broken?

Does it have to be death alone?

It is possible to live whilst divorced from life

You simply suspend all yor feelings. Store them in a cold heart and just suffer hell when they break loose

And break loose they eventually do. Every bloody, stinking, miserable day. To make up for the time in cold storage

Even your body has rebelled. It cannot take the strain of the misery of the emotions. It gives up. It threatens you with illness and disease

You cannot live in it any more, but you cannot die. Eventually the pain becomes too much to bear. So you heal the body in order to live more comfortably. But the emotions still live on in the heart, and thrive. Thrive now in the cold. Grow large and unruly. And stalk across the heart like Gods. They stride fearlessly over the ice. They drink in the tears. The tears have finally found something to nourish

Despair, Misery, Depression, Unhappiness and Grief-for-what-might-have-been prosper

Confidence, Love and Warmth wither

But who prospers the most? Compassion. Hard won Compassion. Impossible to achieve without personal suffering

But who lost the battle? Strength. The greatest of your companions. Sapped now and on its knees. Defeated by the forces of Despair

The war in the heart is over. The cold claims all the territories. All the little warm pockets have frozen over forever. No seeds left to plant. No good soil in which to plant them

All this to win Compassion. Is it worth it?

Compassion looks and sees misery all around. Looks out at the world and sees suffering, which isn't confined to your own heart.

Compassion sees it everywhere. And longs to help. But cannot

*************


Despair is a Country with no boundaries

Look around any day and you can find yourself there

Admittance is free, and there is no passport control

They require only one thing of you - you must be at the end of your endurance

You must have been expelled from everywhere else and have no place else to go

Then you are in Despair

Once you are there they are loth to let you go

Indeed you cannot go. There is no easy way out of Despair

You enter Despair naked and alone

Your armour of Strength and Endurance has been lost in the battle with life

Your Sense of Humour was mortally wounded too. It died with your Pride.

Confidence was lost early on. Without that the others soon capitulated.

All that is left is you. No-one makes you more welcome than Despair. You feel you could stay there forever. You want to stay there forever.

If you ever left, you would have to take up the battle to regain your Strength and all the other lost qualities

But you don't need them anymore. You are so comfortable in Despair. One day you will become so comfortable you will die of it.

No will to do anything any more

That's fine. All that is left is to die

To die in Despair.

******************


All Alone.

Alone on this mighty Planet of Misery and Pain.

Alone in this body, looking inward and facing Pain.

Loneliness and Pain.

A marriage made in Hell.

Hell is cold.

Hell is a cold place where we all suffer Alone.

Life is Hell on Earth.

Cold Hell reflected in a cold Planet.

And you are caught in the middle.

Look outward at Pain.

Look inward at Pain.

Become Pain.

Live in Pain.

Wallow in Pain.

Come to recognise Pain as an old friend.

Take my hand Pain, you were the only one to accompany me in my Loneliness.

When all the rest of the World had forgotten me, you were there.

You're never alone with Pain.

Pain is generous, he shares his friends with you.

First he introduces you to Misery.

Then you are three. Three in Hell. Together.

You. And pain. And Misery.

The three musketeers. You will see each other through thick and thin. Pain and Misery are loyal friends. They will never let you suffer alone. They are always there with you.

I love you Pain and Misery, because when the rest of the World had forgotten me, you were there for me.

This too, shall pass.

reply to post by bringthelight


I wrote all this several years ago. I'm over it now although it took a bit of doing.

Thank you for your kindness.

I should say that the reason for making this thread is that I've been trying to offer a bit of encouragement to people in some threads about depression or relationship break-ups.

In case anyone ever asks why I think I'm qualified to help, I think reading this will prove that I understand what they're going through.

Thats a very moving post Berenike, you express your feelings in your words really well. I'm glad you no longer have these feelings and I can see why you have such a lot of common sense when it come to you offering your kind words to people who need it.

Chillingly beautiful.

It's good (in an ironic way) to know that there is someone who understands completely what I am currently feeling.

Thank you for your words. It was like reading something my heart had written itself.

reply to post by berenike


I just had a very strange deja vu when reading your reply....very weird. I'm glad you got through it all and its nice you are offering support for others who are going through the same thing.

I find that if you are constantly looking for the silver lining or the better times ahead when faced with , you usually find it. Accepting what is means you have learned your lesson and you are ready to move on.

Again glad to hear you are doing better and I wish you the best.

Outstanding post. I have shared the same thoughts for roughly the past 5 years of my life. If not longer. Misery never leaves. Your best friend will forsake you but misery will have your back. Star and Flag