posted on Jul, 18 2009 @ 03:39 AM
I am not a bad person, at least I don't declare myself as so. I have never hurt anyone, I have never killed anything, I try my absolute best to
respect all life, as I absolutely love animals, and come from an animal loving family. All creatures, big and small, are of worth to me, I do not
kill bugs, I do not kill spiders, I do not kill moths, I catch and release them outside, even if they intend to harm me in the first place, I
understand they are acting willfully on insticts, and better yet, who am I to take a life?
I could never kill an animal, but I admit I have. I will never forget it, and regret it nearly every day when I was young, maybe 7, maybe 8, I was
walking outside playing with my kittens like I always did, in my blissful ignorance of being a child, in my own little world not really knowing what
was going on. I remember walking, just around my front deck, there were kittens around me, and as I looked down, I saw a kitten with what seemed to
be a snapped neck and blood coming from it's nose. I didn't understand what had happened, asked my mom what was going on, she quickly took me inside
after panicking for a few seconds and my dad took the kitten to the vet the next day.
That day was a big event, I think it was a dance or something and I remember i had gotten a girl's number(Just a little crush thing you had in
elementary school, nothing at all serious), i was happy to make a new friend. As my dad drove in to the parking lot, I got into his truck and there
was the kitten, laying dead. My dad apologized to me, that nothing could be done in the vet to save it's life, and I remember crying, knowing that I
had taken it's life, rather by accident or purposefully, I took it's life.
To this day I look back on that moment and still feel sad, the kitten never had a chance to live, never had a chance to be a kitten, all because of
me. I then wonder, if bad things happen to me due to that single reason. I can not remember another time in my entire life when I have killed
anything, by accident or purpose.
But why, then do so many bad things constantly happen to me? I try in my life so hard to do good, to constantly do the right thing, to be kind and
respectful to all people, to never judge, to never make fun of anyone for what they can't help, or what they can help but refuse to change. To never
hate anyone based on their religion, race, or anything else awful like that.
But when I ask myself "Why do bad things keep happening to me", I see no other answer other then that I took a kitten's life, when I myself was
nothing but a mere child. So many bad things have happened to me over my life, and now I fear much worse things are in store for me as a person. But
I do not understand why, if god thinks I'm a bad person, and he is punishing me for what I've done, why will he not let me understand? I don't
think i am a bad person, I think I do my best to be the best which i can, I have feelings for other people, I feel depressed when I see the homeless,
the sick, the mentally ill, the unlucky, the people that truly need help, i want to help them, but I myself have very little.
I used to be a 100% athiest, denying even the thought that a so called god could exist, but lately I am taking a more open approach, the approach of
being agnostic. I believe that there is a possibility of a god, although no human mind can possibly know what god is, or how it came to be, and that
religions are simply grasping at straws in hope for wisdom.
Is it like that saying "bad things happen to good people"? If so, why? Why do bad things happen to me? I am frequent with depression, I often self
doubt myself, I seem to not know where I'm heading in life and struggle with myself and my feelings constantly, etc. But I KNOW I am a good person,
but yet bad things constantly happen to me and hinder my life at every chance it gets to, and I just don't understand why. I guess I am still
searching for answers.