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Don't Hate Me Because I'm Attractive!

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posted on Jul, 15 2009 @ 11:44 PM
This is actually a very complex question.

I am going to give it a shot though. Under normal circumstances (husband/wife has not cheated on the other) I would suggest that it is a problem with the ego due to either a temporary or permanent loss or lack of self esteem. There may have been physical changes in the individual (weight gain/loss, gray hair, sagging breasts, wrinkles) any cosmetic problem problem that could affect the ego.

Every person has an inherited need to belong to something bigger than themselves. This typically manifests itself in a relationship or family; however, for some it can be different things such as a church or group. Even the hermits have this need it is just manifested differently, perhaps being part of the wilderness. When there is a perceived threat to this area of belonging it causes reactionary defenses to take place. In some species this becomes brutal, (this also sometimes happens to humans). For most of us it manifests itself as a sort of ego defense mechanism. I don't think the subconscious intention is to mediate between the ego id and the super ego as is typically the case with ego defenses; instead I think it is more of trying to impose a negative thought on another's conscious or subconscious in order to stave off any perceived intrusion into their "group".

As we get older we lose a lot of physical attributes and our bodies start to degrade. This has psychological effects, there is no way to hide from this. This is especially true for females in our species as they are the perceived gender of beauty. This is evident by how much effort and resources is expended by the typical female as compared to the typical male in our society for cosmetic purposes. Typically the female spends substantially more resources for cosmetic purposes (make up, shoes, dresses, even sunglasses have to be specific) where as the typical male is more concerned with ego or pride (for some this is monetary, physical, even attractiveness). This is the animal instinct that resides in each of us and is part of the mating ritual. The different genders have different ways of trying to influence a potential mate. For males this tends to be of a convincing nature (money, physique, linguistics, or whatever they feel is their strength which gives them an advantage over the competition). In females this is almost always cosmetic in nature, sometimes sexual skill sets, but that only seems to be used as tool when cosmetics are sacrificed and is done in a compensatory manner. There are even many attractive females that use this tool because of perceived competition. We as a species are a very competitive group and that being said, just because the age takes its toll on the body, it does not have much effect on the psyche.

Personally if I were offering advice to anyone on this subject, I would say that if your mate has not changed their routines and attempted to change their physical appearance, you have nothing to worry about. It is a natural instinct to defend one's territory, because we are more civilized than our other mammal friends only means that typically our reaction is usually sarcasm, negative impositions, or focused anger as compared to brutality and physical confrontation, although in a small percentage of people this does occur.

Freud had done extensive research on this subject and believed that there were only two driving forces in mankind the Eros and the Thanatos which he adapted from Greek mythology. In the strictest terms the Eros is the life force and the Thanatos is the death force; however Freud saw it more as the sexual force (Eros) which incorporated sex, family, safety...etc and the defensive force (Thanatos) which incorporates defensive acts to protect the Eros. So basically this could be looked at as a protective action by the Thanatos in order to satisfy the Eros's need to feel secure within the relationship.

My area of expertise is not human sexuality, so I am by no means an expert unless expert is defined as x being an unknown and pert being defined as a drip under pressure. My background is in developmental psychology; however, I do recall some courses and lectures that dealt with this so I am sharing what I can on the subject.

[edit on 7/15/2009 by DarrylGalasso]

posted on Jul, 15 2009 @ 11:44 PM
reply to post by bobbylove321

HAHAHA I like that response. Star. like someone said earlier, men are not very complicated. As a member of a race of biological creatures that has 2 eyes, we are allowed to look at the menu but we cannot order from it (assuming you are married or otherwise stuck with someone else)

posted on Jul, 15 2009 @ 11:52 PM
reply to post by lostviking

Yup, Highschool was terrible, that is for sure.... I also isolate myself in the daytime and wait until night to go shopping..... school functions can really suck.

I wear no make up and a baseball hat and jogging pants, while everyone else is dressed to the nines and so I still don't fit in.....

Everyones hostilitys really did a number on my self esteem for YEARS..

One thing that sucks too, is no one ever helps you out with anything, you are allways on your own because people don't tend to help you the way you help them because

A: they assume everyone pawns over you and already helps you or
B: none of your guy friends are aloud to be your friends anymore once they get a girlfriend.

My best friend and room mate of 4 years has to move out now because his new girlfriend spent an entire week crying and having a fit over me he said......he might even break up with her because of it, because he told her I will still be his best friend no matter how much she hates it....

another one bites the dust...on my own again...

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 12:03 AM
Why does this thread remind me of that scene from the movie "Species"?

You know which one, the scene where the main character is out looking for a mate and happens to kill the chick in the ladies room, simply because she showed the slightest hint of a competitive threat.

There is something very sexy about a cat fight between women.

Why is that?

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 12:13 AM
reply to post by Alxandro

Mabey it makes you guys feel important enought to fight over?

Like valuable propety? lol..... I have never been that way so I guess I wouldn't be too good in that scenario...

i see someone trying to get in there and I take the high road.

I figure the guy is trying to flrt with others so it's not worth it, or he will see through her and put me first....

NOW THAT is a huge turn on for me....when women are trying to paw all over my boyfriend and he says."please don't do that, I am with mellisa for a REASON, and you are just trying to cause trouble, buzz off..."

Ohhhh that makes me swoon!

I am single yet again though for most part of the last 5 years because of the whole jeal;ousy thing too.... I don't sleep around when I am single, so if I finally find a guy worth dating the LAST thing I would do is cheat on tem, but that is another problem guys allways being suspiciuos and thinking your going to cheat..... the thought of cheating makse me seriously ill and disgusted, so it is a major insult.

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 12:48 AM
from all accounts it would seem to me that the people around you hold you in high regard when it comes to good looks. tell me this? do you believe them? do you think your good looking? i would propose that you do consider yourself good looking. in fact you wouldnt be posting on here if your didnt. am i right?

sorry this was directed at mellisamouse

[edit on 16-7-2009 by TiM3LoRd]

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 01:54 AM

Originally posted by TiM3LoRd
from all accounts it would seem to me that the people around you hold you in high regard when it comes to good looks. tell me this? do you believe them? do you think your good looking? i would propose that you do consider yourself good looking. in fact you wouldnt be posting on here if your didnt. am i right?

sorry this was directed at mellisamouse

[edit on 16-7-2009 by TiM3LoRd]

Well I spent years thinking it must be the OPPOSITE actually, because of the mean looks etc, I allways thought I wasn't good enough and those people were being shallow.... I still FEEL like an ugly ducling because of those looks.

I finally realised I wasn't such a monster, after I got pregnant and gained 50 pounds.... everyone was sooooo nice to me!

I managed to keep the weight on for about 4 years, but then the last year the weight just fell off again...same crap started up again... even peple I thought were my FRIENDS started saying things like... "oh, you must think your so good looking now" and other mean coments...

I am tring to gain weight again to be more accepted again because I LOVED feeling so NORMAL.... it was so nice to be looked at for the REAL me inside for once..

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 03:36 AM
NO its actually ridiculously simple. Women crave attention like nothing else and men like to feel like they are in power.
Women need reassurance basically, it comforts them, I do not fully understand it but every girlfriend I have had acted the same way. Last one even getting all weird if I turned away from her for more than 2 minutes
Thats also why they say 'all girls are bisexual' it is not true, girls will do things with other girls strictly for attention.

And guys like to be in control. If they approach a beautiful girl and she will talk back and act flattered and keep up conversation then he feels like he is a king. So really it is the woman feeling her attention being threaten, it is not jealousy per se of the womans beauty, it is jealousy of her being in the spotlight. And the man (on constant sexual drive) picturing someone else naked, it is a fact people get tired of the same person/thing overdone.

Originally posted by lostviking
I see people less attractive than me, and I don't judge them either

I dunno that sounds kind of like a contradictory statement.

Originally posted by mellisamouse
I don't sleep around when I am single, so if I finally find a guy worth dating the LAST thing I would do is cheat on tem, but that is another problem guys allways being suspiciuos and thinking your going to cheat..... the thought of cheating makse me seriously ill and disgusted, so it is a major insult.

Guys are very insecure about what they have a lot of the time, not because they feel they 'own' but because we are afraid of losing it. I know personally every single one of my ex's has cheated on me. Dont take it personally

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 06:42 AM

Originally posted by orderedchaos
Not really sure, and I think everyone has experienced it at one time or another.

I think it's either our own insecurities shining through, or an unknown reaction programmed inside us.

As women, we're our own worse critics, so our subconscious backs-up on us every now and then, regardless of whether it's unfounded or not.

We want our husbands/boyfriend's attention, (maybe for vindication, etc.) and when it's easily (stolen/borrowed) by another, our natural reaction is defensive.

Too true. I heard it spoken by a celebrity recently, and I have never heard anything more accurate...
As women, we compare the best traits of other women, to our own worst.
Not sure why, but we just do..hence why magazines sell what they sell to us.
Every month i's the same spin on the same on stories..lose weight, have better this and you'll look like the model on the cover..blah, blah, blah...we stupidly buy into it because we compare ourselves and feel the need to improve something all the time.Some of us far more than others.
Quite simply, if my guy feels the need to point out a big busted blond (my opposite)..then Iam going to be quick to point out two things...
1. Every hot guy that walks by, by a smart ass sexy comment.
2. Every woman that appears to be 250 pounds +....He'll get those images in his head thus shattering any images of the blond completely.
Tit for tat...and I play hard ball.

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 07:34 AM
Sometimes I think humans are far less complex than we believe. Some of these little, normal human dramas seem to reflect old time-tested archetypes. You can observe the same type of interactions in most animals, except that in most animals, the male is the colorful gender who puts on displays while courting.

...and perhaps a word on courting. I don't think it should end after a person is married. We were creative during the courting, we should continue to be creative and loving if we want to keep the relationship fresh.

I'm particularly lucky in regard to the OP, in that my darlin' might be the first to say something like "_________ sure does have a cute butt". I once thought that this was either (a) a preemptive strike or (b) a test that had no right answer that I was sure to fail. Now, after being together 20+ years, I realize she is just than confident and recognizes that both of us are going to look and appreciate others' figures.

Look, but don't leer. Leering, when I see it in others, seems disrespectful. It doesn't bother me a bit -- in fact just the opposite -- if another man is looking appreciatively at her. Leering resonates to me similar to a vulgar comment.

I don't want her to get too skinny. She doesn't want me to be too musclebound. The latter is NEVER going to be even possible, let alone a problem, and I suspect it's something she says to stroke my ego

That's love for you.

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 07:50 AM
Hi all,

I think it's a problem with self esteem. IMO people with high self esteem will not be bothered much by if their significant other stares at someone else. Whatever they feel is their own conscious choice and is independent of the actions of others. They appreciate themselves exactly the way they are, and they don't compare themselves to other people.


posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 08:20 AM
I'm not really fussed about beautiful people. Yes i'd like to have been a bit further to the front of the que when they gave out looks, but i don't lose sleep over it.

Facialy there's not much i can change, but as far as my body is concerned, if i'm that bothered about a guy who is in great shape, i can just go do what i have to do to get in that kind of shape too.

However i'm happy with me, my partner is too, and my kids think i'm pretty cool too so personaly i couldn't give a hoot if others are more attractive than me.

If my girlfriend and i are out somewhere, i don't blame her for looking at a guy if he's really good looking, i can appreciate if someones good looking whether they are male or female. I don't think bad of someone for being better loking than me though. At most, it could remind me that i could do more to look after myself, but thats about it.

One thing i've learnt in life is that the people you think have it all, especialy when it comes to looks, are often the ones moaning the most inside about how they look.

Looks are all well and good until you're 70 years old, you better hope the person you married for the nice backside has a personality to go with it.


posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 08:26 AM
After 15 years of marriage (combinination of 2 wives), I have found the secret.

I look all I want, and when I get caught, I say, "Did you see her shoes?" Or, "I can't believe she would dress like that here!" Or, "I bet that shirt would look great on you honey!"

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 09:02 AM
I think some relationships are doomed that way to begin with. My second wife was our babysitter at almost full term at 16.

Marrying someone who cheated on someone else to be with you, doesn't set a great example for trust. Especially, if they got pregnant by their sisters boyfriend.

She's apparently learned her lesson while on her third marriage. Thirds the charm, I myself, don't want a third divorce. It sure is nice and peaceful living alone. I don't have to sleep on the couch either. Kinda like retirement.

I have heard that people who don't trust others in relationships, don't trust themselves either.

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 10:04 AM
reply to post by Greenize

The thing that gets me fired up is when boyfriend blatantly turns his head 180 degrees to check out some chick. I dont mind him looking at all, but dont make it obvious and dont make me look like a fool!

I personally had an experience where a guy slowed his car down almost to a halt to check me out,(I wasnt even wearing anything remotely skanky) WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND IN THE CAR!!!! I felt so bad for her.. I just looked at him with utter disgust and carried on walking. I have been in quite a couple of situations like that and think to myself, Poor girl, she deserves better than that. As for the guy, WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 10:43 AM
reply to post by jinx880101

I agree! What a friggin jerk! Talk about degrading to his girl friend AND the girls he oogles!

I personally see something beautiful in every person I look at, but am not attracted to looks....

I am attracted to intelligence, humour and INTEGRITY.

Those are the only things that make me start looking at someone of the opposite sex with a smile on my face.

I am actually quite wary myself of the goodlooking male, so am guilty of the stereo type as well....assuming he might be a player etc..

I guess just any type of flirting with someone whom I don't know intellectually seems shallow to me a bit?

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 10:49 AM
PS, I too sadly think I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be cheated on or lied to or unappreciated or manipulated on a regular basis EVER again....

It suck because if sitX occurs, all of my plans have been for just little one and me, when a 3rd, taller stronger person could not only help us out a lot, the extra company could help through some hard times, plus the resourcefulness of some of these guys who are so prepared already etc......

Oh well......once burned twice shy over

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 10:50 AM
reply to post by antar

I like you.

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 10:54 AM
reply to post by mellisamouse

To be totaly honest I agree with you.. I dont find an attractive guy super attractive until I accually talk to him. Respect plays a big part in it.

posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 12:32 PM
reply to post by TiM3LoRd

i had an almost identical conversation with my S.O. the other day.

its more of a joke actually, when i DO catch him checking out a girl. i mean, honestly, when i look over and see some little high school girls (we aren't MUCH older, mind you lol) and then catch him looking, can i blame him? i don't. lol
does it make me feel insecure? even if i looked 10x better i would feel insecure. (and no matter how much he insists this, at 24 with 2 kids i don't think i could compete with high school cheerleaders--looks-wise, anyway) to be honest though, i think i would feel insecure (a little) even if i didn't catch him checking them out.
as long as i feel attractive and he can believably tell me that he catches other guys checking ME feeling hot outweighs any amount of superficial jealousy.

i guess maybe guys want to want and girls want to be wanted.

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