posted on Jan, 3 2010 @ 01:19 AM
I've had rather a lot to forgive, in my life.
- non stop abuse as a child, parents who tried to kill me, a mother who tried to poison me and my sons, a husband who left one of our sons
intellectually handicapped and vision impaired from shaking and who broke a metal high chair over me trying to kill our 3 day old baby to stop my
mother seeing him before his mother did ... and that's just a small part of it.
I hope karma is not true because I must have been some bastard to have earned all this in previous lives. However I wouldn't discount the
Now, looking back on this in my fifties, probably dying of congestive heart disorder which I suspect my mother contributed to by spraying a box of
tempting peaches with Baygon before giving them to us, (Baygon confirmed, but I couldn't prove she did it,) and trying to stay alive because my kids
still need me, I've thought a lot about forgiveness.
I'm grounded by a knowledge of God. Not faith, I don't believe in believing, for me it's facts or nothing. But God has proved himself to me. Not as
someone who will make life easy for me, obviously, but as someone who is always beside me with a hand ready to hold my own. And I know that God loves
the people who have done evil to me just as much as he loves me. The difference is that he understands exactly what has made these people into what
they are, and I don't.
So the trick is in understanding. To do this I got to know my mother and found out about her past. It turns out she was sexually abused as a child by
her older brothers, and escaped that abuse by poisoning one and setting the others against each other, leading to 2 of them killing the fourth one.
I believe the killing damaged her even more than the abuse, leading to a self hatred which she projected onto her only daughter. I too had 4 older
brothers, and she taught them to abuse me as she had been abused, and then delighted in sadistic, perverted "punishments" while telling me how
dirty, evil and hated I was.
Because God was a friend to me, my alone time was happy, as we played and made up songs and poems together. And when I could escape into the forest
the huge, ancient eucalypts comforted me, and I saw them as my real family. So I had support which enabled the split personalities I'd developed to
keep functioning without anger and hatred taking over.
My mother, as a child, never had that. Like me, she was an Aspie, (had Asperger's,) and was made fun of for things like watering the floral carpet
when told to water all the flowers in the parlour. (Aspies take things very literally.) She became terrified of doing stupid things or having people
realise she was being abused at home. So she was always pretending, hating herself and trying to wear a socially acceptable mask.
That hatred was bound to come out somehow.
In the long run the people who abused me are more to be pitied than I am. God loves us all, but how can we accept that love if we are living a lie,
hiding the loathsome things we have done and turning away from heaven when we one day are called there, because we can't bear the transparency? There
are no masks in heaven.
An abused child can turn to God for comfort. But who can the abuser turn to?
The reason it is so hard to not hate is that ill-treatment makes you hate yourself. Then one projects the self-hatred back onto the perp, hating them.
But their ill-treatment of you possibly came from their own projected self-hatred, so you are only continuing a cycle.
So, although the victim may be completely innocent, this victim needs to forgive themself first. A survivor who was an abused child needs to forgive
themself for being helpless, trusting, for not understanding what was going on, for being defiled like that, and for the long term mental,
psychological, emotional and physical results of that abuse. Because, illogical as it sounds, self hatred for these things is one of the worst burdens
a child abuse survivor has to bear. And until you have forgiven yourself for all this you are not free to forgive anyone else.
It helps to cry, and one might need to cry for years.
But a time can come when one sees it was not their own fault, and can start working to understand the perp(s), and can ask for help to see them from
God's point of view. Some of us believe Jesus saw himself as a shepherd, sent to find the lost sheep and bring them back home. We may be lost sheep
ourselves, but so are those who have harmed us.
Some of us know the bible story in which the fatted calf was killed, not for the good son who stayed home, but for the bad son who left and then
returned. Some of us know the Buddhist tradition in which Buddha, despite having attained nirvana, comes back to Earth to help the lost souls here and
will continue to do so until we have all attained nirvana.
If religion is man made, then the fact that so much of it is about forgiveness show the need for forgiveness has been a problem for mankind over
We are all pure spirits who have fallen into the sewer, and walk around with the stink of various layers of poop on us. And all # stinks, however
little we've accumulated. But it's not an insurmountable problem. Because somehow I've got the idea that God prefers a truly repentant sinner to a
perfect man who is proud of his perfection.
To sum up, just remember when you look at those who have abused you, 'there, but for the grace of God, go I'. And one day the realisation will come
that, 'there goes I'. We are all one, and we have all done harm.