OK, the last thing you need is more lame humor. I am here to help.
It is time to get serious. So lets get started with Operation Valiant Defender as prescribed in the best-selling book "Squirrel Eradication for Dummies." No offense.

You must follow these important steps:

Step 1: DO NOT PANIC. Squirrels can smell fear.

Step 2: If you are an Obama supporter or community organizer, remove the A.C.O.R.N. bumper sticker from your car.

Step 3: Watch Caddy Shack for some sage advice from Bill Murray on how to deal with Gopher-Cong. Squirrel's distant communist cousin.

Step 4: Speak in a loud, assertive voice and mention the Squirrel McNugget recipe
that came with with your new Crockpot. Keep repeating the phrase: They taste just like chicken.

Step 5: You should wear a Daniel Boone type hat, preferably with a long raccoon tail, the longer the better. Or so I'm told.

Step 6: In order to create the utmost fear in the little rodents, you'll need to speak with a fake Australian accent. Little known factoid: they fear Aussies.

Step 7: Do not be lulled into thinking these are cute, cuddly creatures. Remember a Squirrel is just a common domesticated rat in a little fur suit.

Step 7: You'll need to locate an old Jethro Tull album and play "Bungle in the Jungle" as loud as your stereo permits. A volume of "11" is preferred. Something about the flute sounds makes the little boogers drowsy.

Step 8: You'll need to lather your entire body in Cheez Whiz and then roll onto a bed of canned nuts. Cashews. Halves, not whole. (cheaper) The goal is to become a giant human cheese-nut log.

Step 9: Limp into the front yard as if injured, (don't forget to be repeating your mantra "Taste like Chicken" with the fake Aussie accent) lie down and once you are covered (Fear Factor-style) in the furry offenders, jump into the pool on your estate. The little scoundrels can't swim. (Despite those You-Tube water-skiing videos.)

Step 10: Fire up the Crockpot and pop a Bud. Get ready for a delicious supper.
(Don't forget to turn the stereo down, it'll aid digestion.)

This technique worked for me at least once in theory. I can attest to its projected effectiveness. Ignore the other krazies on here. Hope that helps...KK


[edit on 3-7-2009 by kinda kurious]

Originally posted by Ramadwarf Philes
I don't think I could handle hurting something so small and fluffy.

I would quit whining. more easy catch snacks for when survivalism kicks into high gear when the S.H.T.F.

-

Yeah I've got soome Jethro Tull. I must of course apologise... I got all ready last night for the squirrel watch this morning and sadly we had a massive storm. Extreme rain. I couldn't believe the baad timing...

You know nature doesn't like me, right? I was just getting ready to go to bed, and, to do this, I have to reach down into the gap between the arm of the chair and wall to unplug everything. I ALWAYS look to make sure that there's nothing alive down there. This time I decided not to and I got bit/ stung I don't know. Rediculous...

I'll have a good look through all of this new post later, right now I'm going studying an such!

Ramadwarf on Natural rejection

Originally posted by Ramadwarf Philes
Hhh... I can see now that I will never be taken seriously no matter what I post. What have I done to my reputation? Or rather, the reputation that I might have built up for myself. I should have posted this AFTER doing some more respectable things eh?

if it makes you feel any better, between taking the fun in such good humor and adding "ramadwarf on" at the end of every post, you have cemented an impeccably good reputation as far as i'm concerned.

now if you post a video.......wow, you'll be the man.



[edit on 3/7/09 by pieman]

Originally posted by pieman

Originally posted by Ramadwarf Philes
We have TREES on the roadside and TREES can 'fall' down. If they do the squirrels will have us isolated. They're big trees too. I'm being serious with this you know, if they 'fall' it'll be hell.

really now, come on, are you really serious, you think there is actually a plot by the squirrels?

Yeah didn't you know, that they are going to knock down the trees and kill us ,and when we are dead they are going to eat our brains and become ZOMBIE SQUIRRELS!!!

Right! They bite! They dig up seeds that you've just planted and take them away! They bring chicken bones in (somehow) and they look all cute so's people like me won't hurt them. They're evil, I'll prove it!

Ramadwarf on evil chicken powers and cuteness

[edit on 3-7-2009 by Ramadwarf Philes]

No, no no no, don't feel guilty scaredangel, it hasn't put me off at all; infact I can sort of see the funny side of it myself. I mean I haven't exactly sat there roaring with laughter but your posts have been just have funny to me. Well, maybe not AS funny, but funny nontheless.
It has, however, made me determined to catch them on film. That storm last night ruined my plan but uh, there's always tomorrow! I'll take some photo's of what they did to the garden today while the house was empty and try and put them on here for you all! That should tide you over until I get some film.
They stole some seeds that my Dad planted TODAY! And what's worse is they didn't sweep up.

Ramadwarf on determination

[edit on 3-7-2009 by Ramadwarf Philes]

Hey, why do moths fly with their legs open?
Aintcha seen the size of mothballs?

Sorry, sorry, badly cheesey. I don't even know if I told it right but I had to do it for you.

Ramadwarf on mothballs

Back in the late 80's or so we had a major problem in Brooklyn where I was at the time with the squirrels getting hooked on Crack...

Seriously they were eating the Crack from the vials on the street...

Seriously... I swear to g-d, I was in front of the Subo building between classes and saw a girl attacked by one, people deny this sort of thing happened during the Crack epidemic, but I was there for this one... right there... Jumped right off the tree screwed up all her big 80's hair and ran around in crazy patterns until it vanished... all sorts of squirrel attacks from Cracked out Squirrels i the hood there for months...

No one will believe it but it's true, Squirrels can get hooked on Crack and they totally spaz out

Hopefully... your Squirrels have no Crack