Infestation

OK, the last thing you need is more lame humor. I am here to help.
It is time to get serious. So lets get started with Operation Valiant Defender as prescribed in the best-selling book "Squirrel Eradication for Dummies." No offense.

You must follow these important steps:

Step 1: DO NOT PANIC. Squirrels can smell fear.

Step 2: If you are an Obama supporter or community organizer, remove the A.C.O.R.N. bumper sticker from your car.

Step 3: Watch Caddy Shack for some sage advice from Bill Murray on how to deal with Gopher-Cong. Squirrel's distant communist cousin.

Step 4: Speak in a loud, assertive voice and mention the Squirrel McNugget recipe
that came with with your new Crockpot. Keep repeating the phrase: They taste just like chicken.

Step 5: You should wear a Daniel Boone type hat, preferably with a long raccoon tail, the longer the better. Or so I'm told.

Step 6: In order to create the utmost fear in the little rodents, you'll need to speak with a fake Australian accent. Little known factoid: they fear Aussies.

Step 7: Do not be lulled into thinking these are cute, cuddly creatures. Remember a Squirrel is just a common domesticated rat in a little fur suit.

Step 7: You'll need to locate an old Jethro Tull album and play "Bungle in the Jungle" as loud as your stereo permits. A volume of "11" is preferred. Something about the flute sounds makes the little boogers drowsy.

Step 8: You'll need to lather your entire body in Cheez Whiz and then roll onto a bed of canned nuts. Cashews. Halves, not whole. (cheaper) The goal is to become a giant human cheese-nut log.

Step 9: Limp into the front yard as if injured, (don't forget to be repeating your mantra "Taste like Chicken" with the fake Aussie accent) lie down and once you are covered (Fear Factor-style) in the furry offenders, jump into the pool on your estate. The little scoundrels can't swim. (Despite those You-Tube water-skiing videos.)

Step 10: Fire up the Crockpot and pop a Bud. Get ready for a delicious supper.
(Don't forget to turn the stereo down, it'll aid digestion.)

This technique worked for me at least once in theory. I can attest to its projected effectiveness. Ignore the other krazies on here. Hope that helps...KK


[edit on 3-7-2009 by kinda kurious]

reply to post by PowerSlave


lol! Cats. Yes, well, once upon a time I had this weimeraner.....well. It wasn't a pretty sight. He considered the squirrels his recreation.

The have-a-heart-traps are more humane.

But your answer, in a word: cats. Hilarious.

I now have moles. The neighbor's cats are taking care of them (good riddance). My neighbor says they bring them to him, so proud of themselves. If the squirrels would take care of the moles, I might consider they earn their keep. But they seem to be strictly vegans.

And ...while we are talking about squirrels...I have ONE tomato plant. One. It had one tomato. (yes, pathetic, I know).

Anyway, my tomato went missing. Along with the dogs tennis ball. This morning my eyes were led up to a tree, seeing a yellow tennis ball sitting on a tree branch. Below that, was MY tomato. With one bite taken out of it. One tiny bite. Abandoned alone on a tree branch. My future sandwich. sigh.
(times like this I miss my weimie).

Originally posted by Ramadwarf Philes
I don't think I could handle hurting something so small and fluffy.

I would quit whining. more easy catch snacks for when survivalism kicks into high gear when the S.H.T.F.

-

Yeah I've got soome Jethro Tull. I must of course apologise... I got all ready last night for the squirrel watch this morning and sadly we had a massive storm. Extreme rain. I couldn't believe the baad timing...

You know nature doesn't like me, right? I was just getting ready to go to bed, and, to do this, I have to reach down into the gap between the arm of the chair and wall to unplug everything. I ALWAYS look to make sure that there's nothing alive down there. This time I decided not to and I got bit/ stung I don't know. Rediculous...

I'll have a good look through all of this new post later, right now I'm going studying an such!

Ramadwarf on Natural rejection

reply to post by Ramadwarf Philes


Well unless they're rabid, I wouldn't worry.
If there are that many squirrels, you must live in at least a semi-wooded area. That means that your house is in THEIR living room. They are allowing YOU to share THEIR home so take it easy on them.

If you think they're getting too close to your house, simply sprinkle moth balls on the lawn, flower beds etc... which will deter most pest from mice to deer.

If there are bird feeders around or if someone is hand feeding them, that will make them more "friendly" toward everyone.

The aggression you may be seeing is the squirrels getting used to humans due to hand feeding. If someone is feeding them, they associate seeing a human with food and they get all worked up.

Hope this helps

Originally posted by Ramadwarf Philes
Hhh... I can see now that I will never be taken seriously no matter what I post. What have I done to my reputation? Or rather, the reputation that I might have built up for myself. I should have posted this AFTER doing some more respectable things eh?

if it makes you feel any better, between taking the fun in such good humor and adding "ramadwarf on" at the end of every post, you have cemented an impeccably good reputation as far as i'm concerned.

now if you post a video.......wow, you'll be the man.



[edit on 3/7/09 by pieman]

reply to post by Ramadwarf Philes


Hmm I wouldn't consider our place infested, here in the Northeast we have always had a lot of squirrels I would be upset if I didn't see squirrels. We have the cute little red squirrels, the grey squirrels, and some little chipmunks. I see them everyday busily getting food, and what not, they have not become a problem here. We also have a large range of birds that constantly chirp as well. I enjoy seeing these types of creatures. Like I said if I don't see them or hear them I would be concerned, they are okay here not running around attacking people, so I don't consider them a threat!

Originally posted by pieman

Originally posted by Ramadwarf Philes
We have TREES on the roadside and TREES can 'fall' down. If they do the squirrels will have us isolated. They're big trees too. I'm being serious with this you know, if they 'fall' it'll be hell.

really now, come on, are you really serious, you think there is actually a plot by the squirrels?

Yeah didn't you know, that they are going to knock down the trees and kill us ,and when we are dead they are going to eat our brains and become ZOMBIE SQUIRRELS!!!

reply to post by jfj123


When I stand at the back door and look out, I can see one tree. I don't consider the city I live in the Squirrels home. I don't mind them being here either, it's just that when there is such a mass of them (and they turn on us) I get a bit jittery. Well we all do. The nearest park (with greenery) is ten minutes away on foot and is basically open grass (surrounded by road). As far as I know they don't hang around there. Unless they do and they just come down here for some havoc. There are trees dotted around as I have mentioned before. I have also mentioned that if they 'fall' it will be quite hard to get out.
Actually, I'm at the back door now and I'm noticing how much damage the things have done in the short time the house has been empty.
I'm also very happy to see that I haven't lost any credibility as a result of all this and I'm going to try my darndest to get you some early morning footage of the things in action!

Ramadwarf on 'falling trees' and sneaky carnage

[edit on 3-7-2009 by Ramadwarf Philes]

reply to post by Ramadwarf Philes


way more tails than skulls (and ewww i wouldn't keep them...i just leave them, actually) and yes i'm sure they're tails...lol. apparently the owls don't like to eat them.

reply to post by ~Lucidity


Hehehehehe. Poor little guys. The tails still got the fur on them? You know, I remember when the Squirrels around here were really nice. I distinctly remember, a few years ago, me seeing one on a fence. I walked up to it and started touching it; something I was doing for a good ten minutes before it decided to scarper. What happened to that?

Ramadwarf on the good ol' days

reply to post by Ramadwarf Philes


How about you guys quit being ignorant, in reallity squirrels are absoloutley a menace.

They bite (Alot and harder than you would think), make messes, spread diseases, ruin everything.

My decision? Take a .22 and go make yer' self sum sqwerral hatz YEEHA!

Right! They bite! They dig up seeds that you've just planted and take them away! They bring chicken bones in (somehow) and they look all cute so's people like me won't hurt them. They're evil, I'll prove it!

Ramadwarf on evil chicken powers and cuteness

[edit on 3-7-2009 by Ramadwarf Philes]

reply to post by Ramadwarf Philes


I don't think any reasonable person would say you've ruined your rep by discussing an animal problem.

I will say that the squirrels are there for a reason(s)
Food and/or shelter...probably the first.
If you remove the food and/or shelter, they leave.

Seriously, try the moth balls and see if that thins out the herd !

Originally posted by Psychonaughty
reply to post by Ramadwarf Philes

 

How about you guys quit being ignorant, in reallity squirrels are absoloutley a menace.

They bite (Alot and harder than you would think), make messes, spread diseases, ruin everything.

My decision? Take a .22 and go make yer' self sum sqwerral hatz YEEHA!

Sometimes they can be a problem...this is true.
HOWEVER, I leave in a heavily treed area with LOTS of squirrels and have not had one single problem for 15 years. I also have tons of chip munks who do make little holes but have never caused me grief either.

reply to post by Ramadwarf Philes


I'm really sorry to have laughed I feel really guilty now, please don't let it put you off. Sometimes what seems funny to others isn't really funny at all.... I think I'd been worring about so many different things that to be honest it was really nice just to laugh even if it was the wrong thing. I look forward to your video and I promise.... no more laughing

No, no no no, don't feel guilty scaredangel, it hasn't put me off at all; infact I can sort of see the funny side of it myself. I mean I haven't exactly sat there roaring with laughter but your posts have been just have funny to me. Well, maybe not AS funny, but funny nontheless.
It has, however, made me determined to catch them on film. That storm last night ruined my plan but uh, there's always tomorrow! I'll take some photo's of what they did to the garden today while the house was empty and try and put them on here for you all! That should tide you over until I get some film.
They stole some seeds that my Dad planted TODAY! And what's worse is they didn't sweep up.

Ramadwarf on determination

[edit on 3-7-2009 by Ramadwarf Philes]

reply to post by Ramadwarf Philes


By the way, just so you know, the moth balls won't kill them, the smell will just annoy them so they find someone else to harass....generally the neighbors

Part of what I do is pest control that is environmentally friendly.

Hey, why do moths fly with their legs open?
Aintcha seen the size of mothballs?

Sorry, sorry, badly cheesey. I don't even know if I told it right but I had to do it for you.

Ramadwarf on mothballs

Back in the late 80's or so we had a major problem in Brooklyn where I was at the time with the squirrels getting hooked on Crack...

Seriously they were eating the Crack from the vials on the street...

Seriously... I swear to g-d, I was in front of the Subo building between classes and saw a girl attacked by one, people deny this sort of thing happened during the Crack epidemic, but I was there for this one... right there... Jumped right off the tree screwed up all her big 80's hair and ran around in crazy patterns until it vanished... all sorts of squirrel attacks from Cracked out Squirrels i the hood there for months...

No one will believe it but it's true, Squirrels can get hooked on Crack and they totally spaz out

Hopefully... your Squirrels have no Crack