ok, here is my story
About 6 years ago, I quit my job to become a full time at home dad. My wife had a great stable job, and was making good money, so I was fortunate
enough to be able to do this. Everything was fine at first. Then slowly, I began to get depressed until one day, I put my head down on my keyboard,
and refused to move. For 2 weeks anytime anyone would try to talk to me, all I could to was turn, look at them, swear, then go back to sitting there
with my head down.
I have always been a tad sad, and often had a fatal view of the world. Very gloom and doomy.
My wife finally forced me to go to the doctor, kicking and screaming. He ran some tests, asked me a series of questions, then said I had clinical
depression and perscribed me paxil.
I went thru several changes in doses while they tried to find what was right for me, before all of this, I was having some odd feelings, I would have
bad anxiety attacks, and was just always grumpy.
My doctor refered me to a mental health specialist, I wasnt to crazy about the idea, I was kind of worried because what I do on the side, could very
easily be viewed by some as dellusional, as I am a very spiritually intune person. I was worried about that.
After talking to the specialist, and revieling some things about my past, I was diagnosed with cronic ptsd. It was a major relief to find an answer to
some of my actions that I could not explain. During this time, they took me off of paxil cold turkey and 3 days later I tried to drive off a cliff, I
just couldnt cope. This was right before they found that paxil had some dangerous side effects, and was addictive. At the last minute a small girl
walked in front of my car with her parents and I got flashes of my kids, wife, and everything that I have experienced that was good in my life, and I
stopped, realizing that I didnt want to die...I had been sitting there arguing with myself for a while. Trying to talk myself out of it. I knew I
wasnt in my right mind..but yet...although I was fighting myself, wasnt until that last moment that I won.
I drove home and told my wife what I had almost done, and that I needed help. We went back to the doctor and I was put on effexor. Things got so much
better after that. I had not laughed in years, didnt enjoy anything at all anymore, I used to love to fish, and I couldnt even do that. Some things
got better, and as my therapy went along, some things got worse, I became agorophobic, which I still battle to this day, and although the ptsd is a
constant battle, I am coping. At some point after 2 years of meds, I figured it was time to stop, I was ready, and the side effects of the medication
were in some ways troubling, I was very apathetic a lot of the time, and wasnt reacting to things like you should, certain things that should make you
mad, just wernt working on me. One of many side effects, sometimes you have to take the good and the bad and pick the lesser of 2 evils is how I see
it. I was sick of feeling like a zombie and being tired all the time, so I talked to my doctor, and we descided it was time to come off the meds.
Coming off of them was like walking into a whole new world. The depression was gone finally, and if it wasnt for those meds, I dont think I would be
here today talking about it. I read farther up the post where someone said that these were all signs of weakness, needing these things, and I can tell
you, that it sure as hell isnt. These meds saved my life. Although I still cope with my ptsd, and that is a day to day battle, I understand that the
meds are there to help you to cope until you can get some other means of therapy if needed, they are not a cure they are a helper so that you can face
things and do what needs to be done.
I was angry at first reading the posts saying people who need these are weak, but I also had to face that when I started. At first I felt weak, and
then realized, that by taking these meds, I was actually taking charge of myself, and taking the first step to getting well.
it has been almost 3 years since I was on anti depressants, and although I dont think I will ever take them again, I am very greatful that they are
around for people who need the help, without them, I wouldnt be here.
For someone who has never experienced sever depression, it is hard to understand, I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy, the total lack of will to live
and inability to see the good things in life are terrible to experience, its like being trapped in a cage in the dark knowing that no one is coming to
feed you ever again and there is no escape, you just slowly wait to die. Thats what it was like for me.
now, I am doing much better. I am not depressed anymore, and I place full credit to the medication I was given at the time I needed it. I am not weak,
but stronger for going thru this and being a survivor.