Need advice with transition from single to married

Hello,


I'd like to apologize in advance for the lengthy post, I have a problem with summarizing...

First off, I'll give you my personal info, and we'll go from there!

I'm 24, been in a relationship for 1 year, 6 months. My wife and I have been living together for 1 year, and married for 5 months.

Before the relationship ever began I worked full time, went to college part-time, and the rest of the time I went out with friends whenever, or mostly played on my computer. (WoW, Counter-Strike, Social Networking, Masturbating, Whatever...) I lived very impulsively, making decisions on my own, without much regard for anyone else. This isn't to say I'm not a considerate person, but I didn't have to include anyone else unless I felt like it.

Life was pretty good. My job was tolerable, I had enough money to cover all expenses, and then some to entertain myself pretty much 24/7, and besides monatery obligations, I really had no responsibility.

The only problem was, I was a very lonely person. Some nights I just couldn't fall asleep and felt like the only person in the world. I felt that if I had someone to take care of.. it would fill that void.

Well, I found a girl through Myspace. We began to correspond through messages, and IM. Shortly after, we began to talk for hours on the phone. I remember staying up with her on the phone for about 5 hours. A few months later, we began to see each other in person. It was a very casual friendship, and nothing more. Both of us eventually wound up in seperate relationships.. Mine lasted 9 months, her's a year and a half...

Eventually we found ourselves together in our own place. 6 Months into our relationship she proposed to me, but I said no. I was not ready for commitment. She didn't take the rejection lightly. So, the only way I felt I could make her feel better was to go with it. I changed my mind and said no, then yes, then no, then, we were married 2/3/09.

Naturally since the relationship started, I found my lifestyle changing. At first, we would go out together 2-3 times a week. I was still able to enjoy time with friends and be by myself. (We didn't live together yet) However, after moving in together, we became attached at the hip. I couldn't spend much time on the computer any longer or spend time with friends by myself without her feeling "far away" from me. At first, I found it sweet that she wanted to spend so much time with me, but now, every waking moment if not spent at work is spent with her. I cannot enjoy the activities I used to indulge in any longer.

I've left her once before because of this but after a week, I found myself back with her because I could not deal with losing her, and ... I am a very jealous person, and could not stand the thought of her being with someone else.

We have been attending counciling together for a few months now learning how to handle some of our differences of opinion and marriage issues. However, a part of me does not want to continue with how things are because I miss single life, but at the same time, I do not want to put either one of us through such pain again, and there are some aspects about my relationship I do like.

So I guess I am asking, what should I do?

I will be happy to answer any questions and provide additional information if needed...

Thanks for hanging on this long.

Peace & Blessings to all.

What should you do?

You are looking for a simple answer to a complex situation. Beware of all advice you may gather on teh intarwebz.

That said, it depends on how you see it resolving itself.

If you want to stay married, I suggest you pay mind to an old axiom that women want to be cherished and men want to be adored. Do whatever it takes ( that's honorable) to keep both her and yourself content. You don't always have to be deliriously happy, but neither of you should be miserable either.

Remember too that the most important aspects of your life won't always be about "you" and what you want. Families require compromise.

Good Luck.

reply to post by Kevinquisitor

Hi there
I feel readin your thread here that you're totally stuck between the devil and deep blue sea !!
Will ya ever truly be happy in a life that ties you down so much and gives you no Kevinquisitor time ??
Man it's healthy to do your own thing or otherwise you'll feel suffocated .
But of course, on the other hand, ya say you can't live without her and you're a jealous person--how much of that is love and passion as opposed to not wantin to lose her to another guy ??
You're really gonna have to soul search and decide which is more important to you if ya can't reach any middle ground

reply to post by Kevinquisitor


Congratulations on getting counseling. Most people give up before even trying that.

Marriage is a difficult adjustment. Learning how to set boundaries can take a long time. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now and I still struggle with this. Fortunately, we are able to discuss it and work on it. Nothing is perfect but with communication, you can make things work.

IMHO, communication is key. Make sure you guys are both honest with each other about what you want out of your marriage. Make sure she understands that you value your private time and hopefully she can make some effort in accommodating that. It is a two way street though, so make sure you are working towards accommodating her needs as well. If you guys are unable to openly discuss this, then it will be next to impossible. So again... make sure you communicate.

Good luck!

You sound like many young married people after a short time together.

You want her there for you but you don't seem to be able to be there for her.
You left her but were too jealous to stay gone.

Sounds like the decision to get counseling was a good step. It sounds as if she has some codependency issues but that can be worked through without wrecking the entire relationship if she's willing to work with you.

You have to wake up though and realize that life changes and the stuff you used to do as a kid in college will go away if you are with her or not.

The things you used to do for fun will fall by the wayside when you are single as well. It will just be a little slower. Right now it seems as if all of the changes in your life are because of your marriage and partly that's true but mosty it's because you are just like everybody else. Growing up and moving on.

Don't forsake a good thing to try to hold on to things you can't keep anyway.

Be patient.

Good luck.

Thank you all for replies. A wealth of information and hopefully I possess the wisdom to utilize it

We speak about our issues quite often, and work it as best as we can. We've both sacrificed a lot for this relationship.

It is nothing we cannot handle, especially with support, so again, thank you all.

I do nice little things for her almost everyday to show how I care. She says she needs me to be very romantic, and before this relationship, I wasn't at all... so the ideas don't flow to me... I really have to think it up.

Sometimes though, I do want my own time, but we both live in a city full of people we don't know.. well.. she knows more than I do. I work from 1p-10p and she works 1-2 days a month... so while I'm working she likes to go out and socialize with all kinds of people.. I don't have the same opportunity, as on my days off, they're spent with her.

That's probably my biggest issue. It gets monotonous after a while. Working all day, coming home, and being there for her.

That's life I suppose.

Peace & Blessings to you all.

So, this is Kevin's wife, Kelly. I just wanted to clarify a few things before anyone gives him advice.

He has had a woman in his bed, and lies about who it was to his mother, because he did not want me to find out. He manipulates his words to get his way, lies to get what he wants, and does not do anything to show me that I can trust him. He left me because he would have rather masturbated and played video games than give me human contact or love, but came back because he was jealous.

He is hypocritical, and a procrastinator. I constantly tell him to do his "own thing" but he will not. He is afraid that he will hear about later, which has never happened, unless he PROMISED me that he would do something.

I just want people to know that the post he has here, is more emotion that fact. When telling a story, one must use facts instead of emotions, especially if wanting advice for said statement.


Thank you.

reply to post by Kevinquisitor

So, this is Kevin's wife, Kelly. I just wanted to clarify a few things before anyone gives him advice. He has had a woman in his bed, and lies about who it was to his mother, because he did not want me to find out. He manipulates his words to get his way, lies to get what he wants, and does not do anything to show me that I can trust him. He left me because he would have rather masturbated and played video games than give me human contact or love, but came back because he was jealous. He is hypocritical, and a procrastinator. I constantly tell him to do his "own thing" but he will not. He is afraid that he will hear about later, which has never happened, unless he PROMISED me that he would do something. I just want people to know that the post he has here, is more emotion that fact. When telling a story, one must use facts instead of emotions, especially if wanting advice for said statement. Thank you.

BAM!!!!!!!
Dedicated to Kevin.....





[edit on 6-7-2009 by zazzafrazz]

reply to post by Kevinquisitor


Ouch.... I hope you guys are able to work it out. Sounds like quite an uphill battle.