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Nightmare (Poetic)

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posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 12:03 AM
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~Nightmare~


Take a seat in the circle child
A story you will hear
Tales of a world without lies
So distant and so near

This place I visit in my .
Where none are left behind
This place of truth and ecstasy
I cannot seem to find

Rubble rains on the quiet mind
So speak up or be lost
And fall victim to everyone
And pay the full cost

The timbers quake & most are trapped
Searching for a light
The boat is sinking rapidly
In the dreary of this night

She reaches out and calls to me
I swim to find her voice
Suddenly I realize
It's all a distant noise

She is faded like my hope
Swept under with the tide
And this place I hope to hold
Has vanished out of sight

The walls crumble & the dust remains
Settled like the dead
I reach out into the sky
And only grab more dread

I wake up sweating & cannot move
Paralyzed by fear
I pray who ever's listening
To take me far from here

J.C.




posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 12:15 AM
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not too bad. would me offering a small criticism bother you?



posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 12:18 AM
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reply to post by ELECTRICkoolaidZOMBIEtest
 


Not at all. By all means actually.

This was wrote some years ago however so I have thought about fixing some stuff but please give me your critique!



posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 12:24 AM
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i like the flow of your poem but the line "and pay the full cost" throws it off i think. plus i would avoid the repeat of the use of the word "and" at the beginning of two consecutive lines.




posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 12:37 AM
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reply to post by ELECTRICkoolaidZOMBIEtest
 


Yeah I tend to get repetitive if I don't pay close attention and strangely I entirely agree with you about that line. I don't know, maybe I'll edit my old work to make it more appealing. Either way thank you honestly friend!



posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 12:49 AM
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no problem im glad to see that not everyone is so touchy about their writings. im highly sensitive about what i write.


if you play your cards right you may see something i wrote. *makes my eyes squinty*



posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 04:28 AM
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reply to post by ELECTRICkoolaidZOMBIEtest
 


The only way to get better is by noticing the flaws which is needed as my side can be potentially biased.

LOL! I would like that. You should post some work for sure!



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