posted on Jul, 20 2009 @ 11:43 AM
Well, I've scheduled a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I've decided to get a referral to see a psychiatrist. Hopefully, I can find one that
won't cost me an arm and a leg.
Years ago, I dated a guy (who treated me good) for roughly a month. It wasn't long enough to develop real feelings of love, but it was enough to want
to take things further. He ended up cutting contact with me unexpecetedly, his reason being that seeing me was getting in the way of his studies. It
hurt, but I was still able to pull myself together within a week - just like every failed relationship since. So, whether they were good or not, the
aftermath has always been bearable. Oh, and I discovered years later that the whole studying thing wasn't the real reason. Surprise, surprise.
I don't understand why it's "different" with my ex. To grieve for an entire month, as if somebody has died, is not natural to me at all. I keep
trying to convince myself that it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed to, that "fate" (or whatever) doesn't make mistakes. That maybe I
chose, before being born, to experience such a situation in order to learn how to deal with it. Maybe I'm being prepared for something great?
Because.. How can something that feels so wrong on so many levels be justified?
It all seems so cruel. I've had a horrible life. I was molested as a child, I've been raped three more times since then, I was isolated and bullied
on a daily basis throughout my childhood and teen years, etc.. Then, when I finally find something that makes me truly happy, I screw it up. Maybe
that's why it's so hard to let go? I'd finally been "given" something that made sense.
Yes, I'll learn to accept things the way they are over time. However, a year from now, I'll still be able to say that I love who I love. I'll keep
it locked in my heart forever. Unfortunately, that's the path I've chosen for myself. To stop loving him just because he's not present would only
prove that I never truly loved him in the first place.
To all those who have someone they love (who loves them back). Don't let petty things get in the way. Don't let yourself be blinded by insecurity.
Listen to each other, talk to each other. Cherish every moment because it just might be your last. Don't make excuses.