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Learning The Hard Way

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posted on Jun, 23 2009 @ 03:22 PM
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My boyfriend (I guess he's my ex now) just broke up with me after 7 months. Literally, we just broke up yesterday.

He is 4 years younger than me, but the age difference was never an issue until recently. I made the mistake of comparing him to my previous partners from the very beginning, but that was also what created the attraction. I was ecstatic to finally find someone who I thought understood me and had a similar way of thinking. We shared the same interests, we both wanted the same things out of life, etc..

However, I entered the relationship with a lot of unresolved baggage. I've been in several abusive relationships, which have caused me to adopt a very untrusting nature. I tend to overreact and create unwanted drama, which isn't good when involving people who are both stubborn.

A week ago, he had finally had enough and told me that he no longer wanted to be with me. I managed to convince him that things would change, so he took me back. Unfortunately, I was unable to let go of the fear of losing him again, and I ended up making the same mistake a second time. He ended up leaving me again.

I understand why he had to do it. What I can't get my head around is how it happened. I was so happy and filled with hope when he took me back. I seriously did want to do all in my power to make things better. In between my bitterness and emotional outbursts, he spent the entire weekend reassuring me that I no longer had to worry, that he'd never leave me again because he had decided that I was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The day he left my house, he even told me that he couldn't wait to see me again.

The next day, he told me that he had changed his mind and that he no longer wanted to "prolong" the relationship.

I understand better now what I needed to do differently while I had a second chance to do so. It hurts learning when it's too late.

How do I let him go when I know the love is still alive on both sides? In retrospect, he would've been the ideal man for me if I didn't act so selfishly. I don't want to let him go, but I'm scared of contacting him at the risk of fuelling the fire or pushing him away further. I love him and he loves me, and I know he's just as scared and hurt as I am.

If a man truly loves a woman, will he come back to her after a bit of time has passed?




posted on Jun, 23 2009 @ 03:46 PM
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Trust, trust, trust.

There must be trust in a relationship. I too have learned the hard way.
I'm 39 years old now and only learned it a few years ago.

Look at it like this.

If you love someone, put your trust in them, all of your trust. Love that person like there's no tomorrow. If they break that trust, they messed up, not you.

Yes it will hurt like never before and you'll go through all the emotions, but in the end you'll survive and you'll bounce back. Just when you least expect it, you'll meet someone new and have another chance at love.



posted on Jun, 23 2009 @ 04:40 PM
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Unfortunately, I understand that all too well now.

I should've treasured the relationship I just lost a lot more. It sounds cliche, but he was "perfect". At least for me.

I remember reading a saying somewhere that a couple should compliment each other - not complete each other. If I hadn't been such a trainwreck of a girlfriend, that's exactly how it would've been.

He was the most genuine man I'd ever met. Whenever I was down, he'd instantly work on cheering me back up. He could always make me laugh - no matter what! He was so loving and considerate. I can see now all the qualities he displayed that I so selfishly took for granted.

I need to mend this relationship.



posted on Jun, 23 2009 @ 08:24 PM
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Have you considered having some counselling to help you resolve your issues?

If you get your boyfriend back - I hope you can - or if you eventually have a new relationship, the problems could arise again if you've taken no steps to let go of some of the baggage.

Even if you are on your own for a while you could be a much happier person.

I really hope things work out for you. You need to be strong for yourself and hard as it may be to do, you might try and see this as an opportunity to finally sort out all the things that are troubling you.

Maybe let your boyfriend know that you are going to get help and give yourselves a break for a few weeks and see what the prospects are when you've had a chance to talk things through with a professional.

I hope you let us know what happens. Good luck.



posted on Jun, 24 2009 @ 02:51 PM
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Thank you for your kind words.

I should've received some counselling a very long time ago. It's too late now because I feel that I have already realized almost everything a counsellor would've suggested and brought into focus anyway. However, I've been consulting with friends and family to keep myself sane.

I'm hoping with everything I've got that we are able to reconcile because I know now what needs to change on my part. I want another chance to be able to prove myself because I don't feel that I was given enough time in the last moments.

Since the day he broke up with me, I've been trying to think positive and remain strong. As for trying to contact him, I honestly feel that it would do more harm than good right now. I believe that he will contact me when he is ready.

I will let you all know what happens.



posted on Jun, 24 2009 @ 06:17 PM
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There's no expiration date on getting counciling...Of course, there may be meds to help too. You need to really know exactly why he left, to address the problems. I feel you may know what these specific reasons are, but haven't listed them yet. It may allow us to better suggest...



posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 05:20 PM
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I had intense trust issues, which made me controlling and kinda, well, crazy. I trusted my ex, but I didn't have faith in his capabilities. I've mentioned this as an ugly quality (on my part) carried over from unresolved emotional baggage.

I don't feel the need for medication. It could be my pride talking though, which was another issue responsible for the end of the relationship.

I'd like to report some of my progress. I still haven't been in contact with my ex, so I've had a lot of alone time to do some major thinking and work on my personal growth. I've decided to take a more positive approach to the situation. For example, when my ex finally decides to contact me, I plan on telling him that I respect his decision and that I agree it's a good idea (for now). By doing so, I hope to lessen the stress levels for both parties and make room for ongoing neutral dialogue. Sincerity is the key.

Am I on the right track? I mean, it's better to be on friendly terms with no pressure than to have zero communication altogether.

For now, I have no choice but to play the "waiting game". So, in the meantime, I should start taking better care of myself. I haven't had much of an appetite; I've only eaten half a cup of instant soup noodles, 3-4 bites of cereal, and a handful of hot chips since I made my first post. Are there any easy-to-eat foods people can suggest for a queazy stomach? I read that plain white toast helps calm down nervous acids, but the thought of getting it down is making me feel even more sick.



posted on Jun, 25 2009 @ 06:39 PM
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reply to post by Pandapple
 


Well done for all the positive steps you've taken. I hope it all works out.

Be careful about the not eating thing. I lost my appetite for years due to a relationship break-down which coincided with a tummy bug.

Bananas are pretty easy to get along with and root vegetables. Brown or wholemeal bread would probably be good. Honey. Rice. Pasta.

I'm probably not the best person to advise you, but you might want to avoid things like tomatoes, peppers, oranges - I think they'd be described as acidic. They can be a bit harsh on an empty or queasy stomach.

When my appetite went I trained myself to expect a particular type of food at a particular time of day. Even if I didn't feel up to it, because the expectation was there I would eat.

It sounds a bit monotonous, but it did work. You might find that you get extremely light-headed if you don't eat much, and that won't help you.

Try not to eat junk food. I know it's easier but it's got a load of rubbish in it and now isn't the time to fill yourself up with food that will probably bring your mood down.

I'd suggest drinking plenty of water, too. Especially instead of fizzy drinks.

Thanks for getting back to us. I really feel for you and so hope you can turn this to your advantage.



posted on Jun, 26 2009 @ 08:21 AM
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Yeah, I've been feeling the strain of not eating enough. Today, I went to the supermarket with my dad. When I arrived back home an hour later, I was completely exhausted and rather pale.

Thanks for the suggestions and tips. I'll give those foods a try and see how I go. Tonight, I managed to stomach a few bites of meat and some bread. I'll probably cook up some rice tomorrow.

Oh, and I'm not much of a fan of the foods that were suggested I stay away from anyway. So, no problem there. I rarely consume fizzy drinks either - another plus! I'm generally a juice and water kinda girl.

I've been a lot easier on myself too. I've been allowing myself to cry whenever the need occurs without feeling weak or guilty.

It's the end of day 5, Friday. The weekend's gonna be tough because that's usually when my ex and I spent time together..



posted on Jun, 26 2009 @ 06:06 PM
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reply to post by Pandapple
 


We're in different time zones, so hopefully Friday night is over for you. I hope it wasn't too painful.

I've advised a couple of other people who are going through relationship break ups to write down their feelings. It helped me a lot, it was a good way for me to get all my feelings out.

An advantage is that you can read it all at a later date and see how far you have progressed.

Have you plenty of ways to keep busy for the rest of the weekend? I think it's fortunate that your b/f is probably as much at a loose end as you are. It's far worse if you know your ex has someone new and is enjoying a new relationship while you are so unhappy and lonely.

It's hard to be at the stage where you're still counting the days but each one that goes by gets you that little bit closer to the day you'll be ok again. That's stating the obvious, but it's as well to keep that goal in mind.

It's getting late here, so I'll just be pootling about on the forum for a little while longer before I go to bed. I'll look in tomorrow to see how you're doing.



posted on Jun, 27 2009 @ 09:02 AM
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Progress has finally been made!

I was able to see my ex today. I was able to have the calm discussion I wanted. I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn't there to "cause any trouble" or to talk him into anything - even though I wanted to run up and give him a huge bear hug! I think I'm finally growing up because I was even strong enough to tell him sincerely that my intentions for the meeting weren't to win him back, but to tell him how I was feeling about the situation.

I must admit, it was a little satisfying (for lack of a better word) to see that he looked just as bad as I did, haha. He was very kind to me, and we were even able to joke around and have a bit of a laugh. It was a lot easier to keep my composure than I thought it would be. After we got all the serious stuff out of the way, it felt like the first time meeting all over again. It was nice. We even watched each other and waved a few times, until out of range, as I drove off (my dad was driving).

Well, we've agreed to be good friends for now. I told him not to be a stranger, which he gladly accepted. He told me that he'd keep in contact and agreed that it'd be cool to hang out one of these days.

Having lost him as my boyfriend is still a painful thought/feeling, but I know that we'll both be okay now. I've accepted my new role. Besides, it's better this way because we have the opportunity now to interact with each other on a completely different level. The relationship had originally been rushed into with way-too-high expectations so, on a positive note, it's great now to be able to slow things down.

Who knows what the future holds? If we are ever to get back together, we'll both know that it'll be because we're ready to try again. Also, being friends first will allow us to grow individually without restraints or obligations. Ultimately, a reunion in the future could see us being happier and stronger than if we were to do so now.

I'm gonna stay positive and continue to educate and reinforce myself! I understand now that simply "wanting" something doesn't make you entitled. If you truly want something, you'll work hard to get it the right way.

I'd like to thank everyone for their input and support. If anything significant happens (or if I just feel like it!), I'll make an update. Otherwise, I'm still happy to learn and discuss with people who are more experienced than me.



posted on Jun, 27 2009 @ 09:21 AM
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reply to post by berenike
 


Sorry for the double-post!

The other reason I was dreading the weekend was because the 28th (which is Sunday over here) is actually the relationship's anniversary.

I've always been an avid writer, amongst other creative things, so I've already written down a lot of my thoughts and feelings. I agree, it's somewhat therapeutic, especially when you read back what you just wrote.

As for counting the days and keeping myself busy.. I honestly still have a very clear goal in mind, so counting days in kinda inevitable. At least I won't dwell on it as much now. I'm slowly starting to feel better. I guess it won't be long before doing things feels entertaining again.



posted on Jun, 27 2009 @ 11:38 AM
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Very glad to hear all that.

You've brightened up my day - really, I'm smiling as I'm typing.



posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 03:43 PM
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It's been almost a month since I started this thread. Yes, I've been keeping track..

Unfortunately, there's no hope of my ex and I getting back together or even remaining friends. Since our last meeting, he hasn't made any effort to contact me whatsoever. It's obvious that he has no plans to do so either, but I honestly already expected this to be the real result.

His friends, who I thought were also my friends, have been preventing me from making contact with him. They hang up whenever I call, they don't respond to my text/instant messages, and they practically "shoo" me away when I knock on my ex's front door (because they all live together). The ones who have had the guts to interact with me over the phone have given me rather pathetic excuses as to why it's not a convenient time for them to talk, so I no longer bother. I understand that they were my ex's friends before mine. It's natural for them to remain loyal to him. I also understand that they don't have a personal agenda against me, and they are most likely acting on my ex's instructions.

Whenever I broke up with an ex (I've had 4 serious relationships) in the past, I always bounced back quicker than normal. The reason for that was because the emotions we shared died long before the actual relationship ended. Therefore, I was more relieved than distraught.

However, I truly fell in love with my most recent ex. I knew it was the real deal because I'd never felt anything so indescribably wonderful with another man before. Even now, the intense feeling still remains strong in my heart.

I feel so lost.



posted on Jul, 16 2009 @ 05:41 PM
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reply to post by Pandapple
 


I'm really sorry that things didn't work out as you had hoped.

You're suffering the same thing that happened to me - you hadn't had a chance to become disillusioned with the other person or the relationship.

It's sad that all the feelings of being in love are still intact and they have nowhere to go.

I used to try so hard to remind myself that it was all hormones and chemicals, but the relationship was magical to me and I could never understand why it was so easy for the other person to just throw it away.

He used the line 'it's not you, it's me' and told me that I was too good for him. He was right as well. It was him trashing a beautiful relationship and, without meaning to sound boastful, I was too good for him.

Harder to accept was the fact that he just didn't want to be bothered. Knowing that he could see how special things were and was still able to reject it. It would have been easier if he hadn't given any indication of seeing what I could see.

On one level I think he got a sadistic pleasure out of hurting not just me, but himself as well. Or, it was almost as if he was trying to prove a point to himself - that he could deny himself something that would have made him happy.

It was very cruel at the time but now, as I've been writing about it I have realised what a lucky escape I had. Imagine having to spend the rest of your life with a person who had that sort of mentality


Really, if you can, write down all your ex's flaws and weaknesses. Do a complete hatchet job. Focus away from all the wonderful things that made you so happy and do a really honest assessment. You might find that you wouldn't have been able to put up with him for much longer. (Never show what you write to anyone else, though).

It's harsh, but keep up not texting or calling him. It wouldn't help your case. Have you other friends you can go out with?

I suffered for being a solitary person with nothing and no-one to take my mind off the pain. Don't let yourself get like that, find things to do.

I was so happy for you before, thinking that you might have been spared some of the heartache. I hope that coming here and being able to talk means something to you and that it helps.

I haven't read my previous posts again, was it here that I said I wouldn't swap my dog for him, now? It's true - I wouldn't.

[edit on 16-7-2009 by berenike]



posted on Jul, 17 2009 @ 12:07 PM
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Originally posted by berenike
reply to post by Pandapple
 


It's sad that all the feelings of being in love are still intact and they have nowhere to go.



That line really hit the nail on the head.

Ugh, I'm at a loss for words right now so I'll keep this brief. I just wanted to point that out. Also, I wanted to let it be known that coming here does provide me with a great deal of comfort.

To be honest, my mind is in a very dark place at the moment. I don't want to get into too much detail right now because I am ashamed of myself.



posted on Jul, 17 2009 @ 05:57 PM
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Aww, Im sorry things dont seem to be turning out the way you wanted. Its so difficult when a relationship ends unexpectedly (well sort of) like that. Kinda makes you feel like a rugs been pulled out from under you doesnt it!

Dont try and blame yourself too much for it though. Everyone has emotional baggage of some kind, no one enters into a relationship without having past experiences effect them in some way. Sure, the 'baggage' varies in terms of what it is and to what level it effects you.. but still, its not your fault he couldnt handle it, its his.

And its so easy to put the relationship up on pedestal after its ended. It's messed up, but I swear we've got that hard wired into our heads to only see the good parts of the relationship after its ended!
Two things which you need to look at -
1. He said all these things to you about wanting to be with you, and then changes his mind the next day. This happened with one of my exes, and I cant say anything about your ex really.. but I thought mine was very emotionally immature for acting like that, and I think if you can say those sorts of things to a person and then be so flippant in changing your mind about it, then you arent such a great person.
2. The friends thing. Maybe he doesnt feel at the moment that its a good idea to be friends. Although one would assume that seeing as you were on good terms, and you've been trying to contact him, that he would tell you if he was feeling that way.
So if that isnt the case, then the other plausible option seems to be that maybe he just didnt value the relationship enough to be friends afterwards. You'd expect if you had a good relationship with someone and ended on relatively good terms then you'd want to stay friends, but unfortunately that rarely seems to happen.
There could be plenty of other reasons for why he's not been in touch though. And if you dont feel like you can move on from that then try harder to get in contact with him, even if its just to ask where you stand with him.

IMHO though, being friends doesnt sound like a great idea at the moment. There's every chance that you could do the friendship thing, he could completely lose any romantic feelings for you, and then you would just end up hurting yourself more in the long run. Plus from what Ive seen, friendships after relationships only seem to be successful when feelings on both side have died down. Otherwise they just get too complicated.

And to end this massive essay... just because you felt that way about this guy, does not mean in any way that you wont feel like that about another person one day.

Oh, and whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger!



posted on Jul, 17 2009 @ 06:56 PM
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Well, I don't really know how you feel because I don't have the experience but I know that I've had my fair share of rejection. Hoo boy, have I and it is never easy to accept.
One thing that I have learned (through whatever) is that you must let people remain who they are and don't try and compare them with other people, otherwise they will become resentful and so on. Of course it is easy to do so, especially when excited and so on but always try to avoid it.

Ramadwarf on relationships



posted on Jul, 18 2009 @ 01:09 PM
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Neither party, my ex or myself, is to blame for this outcome. I don't think it's fair to scrutinize him because he acted out of fear. From what I gathered, he honestly believes (in his own mind) that walking away from the relationship was the right thing to do for both our sakes.

I can't list his flaws or weaknesses without coming up with a positive counterpart.

There is no doubt in my mind that he truly meant every single word that came out of his mouth before breaking up with me.

I'm sorry for keeping my current responses brief. I take everything everyone says into consideration, and I greatly appreciate the support.

I ended up coming back here because I'm terrified and have nobody else to turn to. I don't want to die, but I want the pain to go away. I'm scared that I might do something incredibly stupid without really meaning to.

I was so proud of myself for the strength I was able to muster, but it all seems like such a lost cause now. Logic tells me that it's not worth it, that I should hang in there because things are bound to eventually get better.



posted on Jul, 18 2009 @ 02:39 PM
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reply to post by Pandapple
 


At least you're not wasting your love on a non-deserving cause. That's a plus, something I can't say for myself


Maybe you can look at the more positive aspects of your feelings. Say you have a pure love for someone who is worthy of all the affection you have for them. That's a wonderful thing - you can hold that love and cherish it and know that it is valuable.

You can let the other person live their life and be happy and always wish for the best for them, out of the love you feel. That person will be cherished, whether they know it or not.

You will have something in your life that not everyone can achieve. A non-tarnished, open, freely-given love for someone who, by your own estimation, is worth all the effort and all the pain. How many people have loved someone then seen it all go sour because they cannot get along?

If your ex acted in a way that he thought was for the best, then at least he was thinking kindly of you.

Take all the positives, but instead of letting them hurt you let them enrich you.



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