At first, let me admit that i am unhappy with my inner self. My behaviour patterns are sometimes rigid, i lack of creativity and intuitivity, i have
recurrent thoughts and emotions that block me from new ways of habits and dreams and behaviour. All in all, life seems to be foreseeable and dull. Not
that i strive for anything in particular, i am just not content with the feeling i have towards life.
So, for over a year now, i meditated, did Qi Gong and changed a lot of what i was unhappy with. New dimensions and sources of joy surfaced and
everything inner and outer became brighter and clearer. That was good and nice, nevertheless i am still unhappy and i know that this partly stems from
my unabillity to get rid of my ego.
Then something strange happened during meditation: I saw myself in a deep state of awareness, i saw my behaviour in different situations, past
memories that haunt me or make me joyful or sad or content and whatever... but deep down from my being i got the clear impression: That's all old and
dull and useless, senseless. Shatter it. So i did. I willingly exploded the vision of these memories and saw them disappear in a cloud of dust.
Immediately my body felt different, not lighter, not heavier, just different.
Then the next memories surfaced and i asked myself whether i want them to remain or want them to vanish. I decided for the latter and they blew up in
a dustcloud. My body felt even more different. In the next step, memories and people that are dear to me surfaced and i really felt a deep and
positive love towards these. Nevertheless i blew them up and they vanished.
This happened many times and i decided every time to get rid of everything. Not out of a specific reason, only due to the deep urge from inside, to
free myself from myself. Or better, what i view as important parts of myself.
That session was yesterday. The night i slept well, without many dreams that normally come to me every night, as usual after meditation. But today, i
feel quite different. Empty and enormously clear, but heavy and quite indifferent to my surrounding. And i feel the clear urge to meditate, again out
of no specific reason. I just want meditation and nothing else.
I am very sure that i did a step in the right direction. Too many things in this world distracts us from our true inner self and to shatter the past
thought structures might be the beginning of something entirely new. Sometimes i caught some glimpses of these new worlds and they are truly
astonishing. But i don't know to where this path leads me. I always needed an ego and never made it through the world with complete openness. As long
as i can think back, there have been many veils between me and the reality. These veils thin out, but the beauty and the ugliness of the world hits me
now unprotected and i am not sure, why i should handle the reality without any gloves. Though there is an urge, that forces me in that direction, i
can't foresee what will happen next. That's why i posted the story.
What comes next? What happens to oneself in a state of unprotected openness? With all these people, who do not care about inner wisdom but go solely
for success with all means available? Is there a way to remain honest and open in this world?
light n' peace