Are You Unemployed?, page 5

I have been unemployed off and on since what happened a year ago today that led to my losing my steady job.

I worked with this man whom I thought was my best friend and my boyfriend. I thought I had found a dad for my daughter as well. I remember he had bought her a birthday card and he looked into my eyes and told me he had never had a daughter before and seemed happy. I thought so at the time anyway.

Then a few weeks later at work he was telling me that he had found favor with God and that this woman he had met on the internet dating site three weeks ago was the one for him and that God told him while he was at church the day before. I felt stunned, like I had been kicked in the stomach, and I involuntarily started crying as I sat there just staring at him, speechless. He enjoyed seeing me crying, smiling and gloating over me. He asked me "why are you crying?" and I'm still trying to compose myself. I just managed to get out "I am not feeling well" and he was grinning big time and asked me "why are you lying?" Then he sat down across from me and called her right in front of me and ignored me. He did this in front of everybody, in a crowded breakroom at Wal-mart. I was devastated and still stunned, but I gathered my things and left.

I just wanted to go home so bad. I ended up in the bathroom, just crying. I called my mom and told her what happened. I was really not with it at that point. I wanted to go home.

I ended up quitting. After I calmed down, I wanted to take it back, but management would not let me. I have had trouble getting a permanent job ever since. Today has been really depressing for me. Anniversary of very bad day. Worst day of my life.

I went on job interviews over the next month or two and it was so bad I would just keep crying. I would hear something that would remind me of him, and would cry.

We had Bible study for about five/six months. I would read something in the Bible that reminded me of him and would bawl. I ended up not reading the Bible anymore. It hurt too bad.

He went around telling people after he dumped me that I was crazy, that the entire relationship had been plutonic, and that I was making it all up. I had to keep looking at emails he sent me to remind me that I didn't imagine the whole thing. He had told me so many things. I now think he did it on purpose to get some sick kick out of hurting a woman. I keep remembering how he enjoyed making me cry that day. Why would someone want to do that to someone else? I just do not understand.

I ended up going back to college to finish my master's degree. I just need one class and a thesis. I've been trying to give myself time to heal. He had been such a part of my life that I shared everything with him. For a long time something would happen and I'd instinctively think to tell him, but then I'd remember we weren't speaking anymore and what happened. It's been really hard.

The few jobs I did work at since what happened, something would remind me of him and I'd start crying. I had thought we might get married even. Knowing that he did all of that for a gag, and that the most wonderful time of my life was a sick lie, has been really hard for me to cope with. I had never even fallen in love before.

Now when a Christian talks around me and starts saying things he did, I cringe and expect them to hurt me. I am a Christian now having trouble talking to other Christians. The word of God sometimes brings me intense pain because I just remember him when Christians talk about God now. I have been so messed up by the experience that I do not even know who I am anymore or even what I want to do with my life. I go to Christians for advice and they quote scripture and it hurts me instead of comforts me. I go to non-Christians for advice and they say stuff against Christianity and that hurts too, because I still believe in Jesus. I just don't trust many Christians right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel alone and empty.

I hope everyone the best in finding employment.