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In memorium

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posted on Jun, 5 2009 @ 10:23 PM
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Some of you may know this but I'll repeat for those who don't know. Back in 2004 I fell in love with a lady named Lynne Inouye. I eventually proposed marriage and she accepted. I was the happiest man on this planet. On October 15th 2005 she passed away from Kidney failure with complications before we could tie the knot. Within the space of 5 days I lost my fiance, my apartment, and my job. About 3 weeks later I entered a program for homeless veterans and got back into society back in November. In a few days myself and Carol will be having a mini wake in her memory since I never had the chance to properly grieve. The wake will consist of a white bandanna that she gave me and I've written the text word for word on it that I will now share. The bandanna will be tied to a fence with a ribbon that she used for gifts while my friend Carol plays some music. I suspect that June 7th (Lynne's Birthday) is gonna be a very bad day for me I'll try to shake it off before Carol arrives though on then. Right now I'm feeling burned out from crying when I'm feeling anything at all. The only thing I will change in this text is my name.
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Beloved,
It seems that parting can come all to often when we least expect or want it. You and I parted. My Dad and I almost parted. Kathy's friend Heidi's father parted. Why does it seem like when we are at our most vulnerable we get parted from those we love? Beloved, I can barely describe what went through my head when carol came and told me the news. I can only remember some things of that night. Carol handing me the box of Kleenex and the afghan. Carol saying "This belonged to Lynne. It still has her scent." I remember slumping back in my comfy chair. In my mind a image flashed. It was a building. A skyscraper and it crumbled into ruin in an instant. A mass of bent and twisted metal and stone. That future that you and I were going to build together. Gone in an instant. Beyond any hope of repair.

Beloved, as you can tell, this will take several days. At the moment, I'm relaxing and watching a little Eureka. One of the episodes as a back story had the story of an elderly couple. He had planned to propose to her but didn't because he lost a Nobel prize. That reminded me of when I proposed to you. Although I tried to keep it as traditional as possible, I didn't want you to feel that you were being forced. I remember saying "Lynne Inouye, when you feel the time is right and your are comfortable, will you marry me?" I so remember looking into those lovely eyes of yours and you looking back. There was a pause for a couple of seconds as we gazed into each others eyes and you said "Yes my handsome king, when the time is right, I will marry you."

My glorious queen, it seems that it me goes by so fast and yet not at all. A while back I was given a box that belonged to you. I'm looking at it now. You always said that I'm the strong one. There are times when I felt that was not true. Now is that time. I have half a bandanna to fill and I'm not sure if I can. I'll try for closure, for peace, for my heart, for love and especially for you. I see a large envelope containing your tax forms. There is no escaping the paperwork is there? Then again, paperwork isn't something that you have to worry about anymore. A black plastic bag. Inside there are so many things that remind me of you. A pair of purple fuzzy slippers (large). I just put my hand in one. It's warm like your heart.

A mini folder. Seeing your name in your writing on the cover both hurts and makes me feel good. There are several letters from the social security office and a new social security card. There are several cassettes, Hall and oats, Chicago, Dan Fogerty. I'll hold onto them. Someday, I'll get a cassette deck to listen to the music that you felt important enough for you to bring. Men at work as well. Maybe it's a sign of the future. The end to my drought.

If somehow, somewhere you are looking at me right now you see me crying. I found small plastic Ziploc bag with the words "Hand assembled necklace Personal gift - from (Miss) Elvera T. Daul" There is a necklace in it. It seems to me that you're more of a mystery to me than I thought. I did a little research on the maker of the Necklace and she was from Madison! I called Carol and she doesn't remember giving it to you when you were here. How did you in California get a necklace from here? I'll have to ask you when I join you.

Beloved, I just looked at your calendar and saw that you had January 15th marked as "Deson and Lynne". That was the day when I realized that I was falling in love with you. I remember my voice cracking and my throat clenching. I couldn't talk. I typed "Lynne, I think I'm falling in love with you." 10 of the longest seconds in my life passed and then you typed "Wow! It's like you're reading my mind!" I cried. For the first time in my life I cried tears of joy. From then on January 15th became our "Anniversary."

June 7th was your birthday. October 15th you passed away. The print out of where and how to get a marriage license in a civil ceremony, You were prepared for our life together. I've just looked through your medical records about your ovarian cancer and your recovery after surgery. You called me the strong one. I just found a envelope containing the bus schedule and maps. You had it shipped to you all the way to Pasadena. You were ready.

My Beloved, my cherished one, fate stepped in and we were separated from the future we were going to build together. I can't change the past but I can change the future. If you've been watching me from wherever you are then you know about my triple whammy that I suffered. The year that I spent barely holding onto my sanity. I have to go forward and rebuild. I can't forget the past but I can't live in it either.

You're the piece of that jigsaw puzzle that is my heart. You were the wind beneath my wings as I soared on that happiness called love. I'll never forget you. Like the love that we dedicated to each other.

I love you now and always.

Your "Handsome King"
Deson

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In memory of
Lynne L. Inouye
June 7th 1959 -
October 15th 2005




posted on Jun, 5 2009 @ 10:32 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. The pain never does go away, we learn to live with it.

I hope you're really doing ok, I do.

I wish I had the right thing to say, I hope that , God Bless and Best Wishes will do for now.



posted on Jun, 5 2009 @ 10:45 PM
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posted on Jun, 6 2009 @ 09:51 AM
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Though no words, however gentle, could possibly ease your pain, know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Wishing you God’s peace,

Studious



[edit on 6-6-2009 by Studious]



posted on Jun, 6 2009 @ 05:16 PM
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reply to post by Deson
 

just wanted to say that what you have written here is so moving and emotional that tears are running down my face as I am writing this.
So sorry for your loss here.
I know it's the old saying--but time really is a healer. I've had a lot of tragedy in my life, times when I thought that my darkest hours would never pass , but they do.
I'm glad you've decided to try and move on, and I hope that one day you will find that peace of mind and happiness that you deserve.
you'll never forget her-ever-and the wonderful memories you have will always be with you till you're reunited one day.



posted on Jun, 6 2009 @ 09:48 PM
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Thank you everyone for your kind words. Tomorrow my friend Carol will be picking me up and I'll be spending a couple of days with some friends. Chances are good that we'll be having our mini wake and I'll have the chance to grieve. I couldn't in the shelter do it properly, now I may be able to do so.

It will take along time but I'm trying to carry on.



posted on Jun, 6 2009 @ 10:30 PM
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posted on Jun, 6 2009 @ 11:10 PM
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I"m so sorry for your loss.

May God Bless you and keep you and ease your pain.



posted on Jun, 6 2009 @ 11:56 PM
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if there's anything i've learned in life in my 25 years on this earth, i've learned that whatever doesn't kill you, only makes YOU stronger! seriously, nothing can or ever will replace her, and you'll cherish her memories every day.

do the things she wanted to do, have fun with the things she liked to do, and never stop thinking of her! she always will be with you, contrary to what some people say about souls and an afterlife!

you'll see her again, but why wait until your death for that? ...she'll be in your dreams sooner or later...


bless you, and may love and peace always be with you for the rest of your life!

smile in her memory, and cherish your thoughts, because thought is a VERY powerful thing...



posted on Jul, 27 2009 @ 02:43 AM
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Deson,
I came to your profile to find info on the Yydryl and got quite a shock.

That someone evolved in the Space Opera has gone through a similar life scenario as I have leaves me feeling kind of weak.

I wish I had the magic words to make the pain go away.

I wish someone had told me the magic words when I suffered my loss.

There aren’t any.

But there is peace, after a time, sometimes a long long time (12 years for me) there comes a kind of peace.

It’s the only thing I know that works so I wish peace for you.

With heartfelt condolences - maybe late - but all the same.

gracie



posted on Jul, 27 2009 @ 07:59 AM
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Wow, I've just seen this thread, the opening post has just stuck a big lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes. Such heartfelt anguish and pain, can leave the most hardened of us, a blubbering wreck. I hope that you've gone through this in tact, and i hope that you have finally had the chance to say your goodbye, in a way that you feel was fitting, and best. My deepest condolences for your loss. And i hope that your personal situations improve infinatly, until your are as happy as you can be.

Like silo13 says, there are no magic words to make you feel better. I'm usually at a complete loss, to know what to say to someone going through berievment. As all words just seem empty and pointless. (I'm sure that they're not, but it can seem that way)

peace be with you all, in your times of need.




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