the trauma of alcohol and death, a rant

First I'd like to say I'm sorry for not answering posts in the last week but I had other things to deal with.
For those who read my poems (childhood darkness) know that I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who just 'took it'.

It's weird how childhood trauma continues to have such a great impact on your life into adulthood. My father has always been a drunk, never knew him any different. I left my parents home when I was just 16 to go live with my sister because at one point I couldn't bare to be around him anymore... the constant fighting, trashing the place every single night, the swearing... so I left everything and went.

I still feel guilty for leaving my little brother behind, he was 13 at the time. He grew up hating my father, but he stayed at home till he died because he felt that he had to protect our mother. He killed himself two years ago.

I used to hate my father, but once I had a family of my own I just stopped caring I guess. He wouldn't change, my mother wouldn't leave him and he messed up every party he attended, including his grandkids birthday parties.

last Christmas he fell down and broke his cheekbone. His entire face was swollen, but as most alcoholics he wouldn't go see a doctor, he just drank a little more to stop the pain. That's how he is, when he has a toothache he just pulls out the tooth himself, etc..
Then last Thursday he couldn't take it longer and he went to the hospital to get x-rays and a cat scan.
They found that the fracture wasn't that large but something else caused the intense pain and swelling.

He has a big tumor in his head. It has probably been there for years, but because of the fracture it started spreading.... and it's spreading fast. The entire nose-cheek and eyes area is infected. It spread from his right side to his left side in two days, making his entire face swollen. he can't open his right eye anymore, the nose is completely blocked.... I hardly can recognize him. horrible!
There is nothing they can do about it anymore. It's to far spread, chemo isn't possible because of the bad shape of his body due to the alcoholism.
He is going to die within the next two weeks.
Next Tuesday he was supposed to go to a specialized hospital for terminal patients. They will have to keep him sedated because of the alcohol detox and the pain all together.
So by the time we go see him, he won't recognize anyone or even realize we are there.

I just received a phonecall from my mother, she said that he drank 3 entire bottles during the night and had gone crazy from fright and pain... threatening her, calling her the worst things, hitting things. She said she dumped him in the hospital and is not planning to take him home again. They will take him to the other hospital on Tuesday with an ambulance..

So next week I have to go see him knowing that he won't realize I'm there.
Part of me wants to tell him things, tell him how he made me feel all my life, tell him that I almost hate him. But my husband is advising me to shut up... so I probably will.
I guess I won't ever hear his apology either....
So what am I supposed to do? Tell him that I love him? Because I don't really know if I do, in fact I think I don't... I'm to angry at him to love him.
I hate him for the childhood he gave us and I hate him for the mess he's going to leave behind.
But I'm sorry for his miserable disease and for him not being able to make a better life for himself. I'm sorry for his horrible ending.

This is hard. When my brother committed suicide It was painful, not to be able to say goodbye and such.... this time it's my father and I'm going to see him alive for the last time, knowing that it's the last time, saying goodbye while he's still alive. And not knowing what to say to him.

He himself keeps saying 'I'm going to see my son again' and that comforts him, when he's drunk.....

[edit on 31/5/2009 by GypsK]

reply to post by GypsK


Ohhhhh - I am so sorry for your pain.

I look at my own pain, and I think about yours.

I cannot encompass your pain. Ask Jesus to help you please.

reply to post by GypsK


I'm sorry for your pain and loss.

There are no words, I'm sure, which can offer any comfort. The only thing I can say is to be strong and keep your chin up.

This can only be better in the end for your mother.

Good luck to you.

I am really sorry about your farthers problems and sorry about your brothers suicide I have problems with alcahol my self!

Tell your father what you truly think. You only get one chance to express yourself, so why not now? You'll forever regret not doing it. Go with your heart, and do what's right.

Sorry to hear about your tragic upbringing and the death of your brother. Regardless of what your father has done, remember that he is your father and most if not all of his bad behaviour was caused by a disease. (I am not excusing his behaviour, just stating that it was caused by an external factor.) I know this is easier said than done, but I strongly recommend you try stay in contact with your father.

Also remember that your father is going through a tough time as well. It sounds like his entire family has lost respect for him and this is not a good feeling when you are awaiting death. Please try your best to be friendly and offer to talk to him. Remember, once he dies he is gone from this world FOREVER. You certainly have every right to shut him out and let him die alone, but that is the easier option.

The more difficult option is to push yourself to get him to stay sober, talk and get things off your chest and his. You might not believe me, but this can be a life changing experience. You seem like a very strong person to me and I think you are really up to the task. Forget the past, you cannot change it, but you can create a better future for you and your family. Part of that involves moving on, it is difficult but can be done.

I wish you the very best and hope this whole situation ends peacefully for you. Your immediate family are there to support you and you will get through this.

Gypsy I empathise with you. But some advice from someone who has been through what you are about to face.

My mother abandoned her children after she replaced our father with his own brother...I was 14 then. I won't detail the next nightmarish 6 years except to say there was no one to take me in who cared one whit about me. I survived in the world of drugs and alcohol - very nasty - very ugly - very insecure - very painful physically and mentally.

Mom became a Jehovah's Witness when I was 21, and dedicted herself to saving the eternal soul of my firstborn daughter. She made it her life's mission to oppose my maternal rights by secretly brainwashing my daughter from the age of 1 year old (she is 27 this year). My little girl was told horrible things about me by my mother. She even told me that if I didn't give up my daughter to her that I would be committing her murder.

Fast forward: Mom and I were estranged until i heard that she was dying. She went into hospice and I stayed for a week, night and day until she passed. I still can't reconcile the anger, betrayal and hurt but at least I showed how much love I carry in my own heart by being there for her when she had never done the same for me.

I live now with the knowledge that I rose above it and showed compassion at the end. It's the only thing that saves me from crumbling into a depressed, vengeful, hateful person.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

My mom was an alcoholic too. Growing up in a alcoholic environment can and most likely will cause a disfunctional life in the children. My father was a very good man and he loved my mom. Dad used to poor the booze down the kitchen drain during many of her hateful vicious tirades. Dad was killed in an auto/train accident when he was only 45. A part of me thinks it was suicide.

I am sure that you have many horrific stories about growing up and even the control he had on you once you left home. I know the pain and it is awful.

I joined the Air Force and left home two months after dad was gone and know that the United States Air Force help me to start facing reality. I got out of the AF after 6 years and met my wife in Wisconsin. It was a true blessing that my wife is a professional educator and has studied about children of alcoholics. She helped me face and come to terms with a lot of my problems and helped me break away from my moms control.

My mom eventually died from alcoholism in 2003. It was a very slow and painful death. I had thought that I hated my mom until I saw her at home in hospice care. Her final couple of weeks were filled with a morphine existence. My heart broke for her and I realized then that she did not want to live the lifestyle she did but could not overcome the addiction to booze.

I know that I do love her now.

I pray for you and I hope that your husband will be a comfort for the confusing and painful days ahead. He is right about not bringing up the past to your father. The disease makes them selfish and every one else is always to blame.

You have your life to live and a family to be there for. This will make you stronger person in the end. This weight will soon be removed from your shoulders. Do not blame yourself for your brothers death.

My advice to you is find a quiet room to be in by yourself when dad passes and pray for comfort. Meditate and come to terms. Clear the burdens in your heart and mind and healing will slowly come.

My heart is there for you.

reply to post by GypsK

So next week I have to go see him

You don’t ’have to’ do anything.

If you choose to remember him the way he was - and if it’s better for you to do that, then don’t go.
If you think you’ll accomplish something positive for YOURSELF than go.

knowing that he won't realize I'm there.

That’s what the doctors say.
You don’t know if he’ll *know* you’re there or not.
I’m not trying to add conflict to your decision, only shed light on the possibilities that he might know you’re there.

Part of me wants to tell him things, tell him how he made me feel all my life, tell him that I almost hate him. But my husband is advising me to shut up... so I probably will.

This is between you and your father.
Keep your husband out of it.
He wants to see your Dad, he can do it on his own.
What, you need permission to see your Dad alone?
(Not being mean, asking in a sarcastic away so you see how controlling your husband sounds)...

guess I won't ever hear his apology either...

You’re right.
You might never hear it.
But in telling him before he goes you’ll have no regrets and you wont go around beating yourself up for *What ifs* the rest of your life. Something like that saying - it’s not what you do, you regret, it’s what you don’t do.

Try this:
Write a letter of exactly what you’d like to tell your father and seal it up and keep it for a day.
Then, read it and see how you feel.
Maybe it will clarify things for you.

I wish I could help more, it’s an awful once in a life tragedy you’re facing, nothing simple about it.

If I went and saw my father all miserable and dying and sick - I’d be mad.
Mad because his condition would induce feelings of sympathy that he doesn’t deserve, and mad because he’s getting out of a confrontation having to deal with it on a adult level).

On the other hand, not taking the opportunity to *tell him* just how you feel?

That could be even worse.

Good luck to you and if you ever need someone to listen my U2U is always open.

peace
gracie

[edit on 31-5-2009 by silo13]

Is there not one good aspect of his character? One good memory?

He used his family as a verbal (and physical?) punching bag.

It's Everyone's Fault But Mine Alcoholics...well, an inflated sense of your own importance doesn't make for effective questioning of how you've lived your life, except maybe in a self-pitying way.

That's what you can expect from him, if you visit, self-pity.

...and he told himself he was a good man...

Anyway, remember the one good thing, and tell him if you visit, might help him on his journey, and yourself on yours.

reply to post by Dark Ghost

remember that he is your father and most if not all of his bad behaviour was caused by a disease. (I am not excusing his behaviour, just stating that it was caused by an external factor.) I know this is easier said than done, but I strongly recommend you try stay in contact with your father.

I just wanted to say that I agree with you 100%. I couldn't come to this understanding until it was too late. My father passed away before I got the chance to change my mind. I regret that I let my anger turn me into something nasty. I didn't speak to my father for over a year before he died and I am just now coming to appreciate just how powerful his addiction must have been. I feel terrible for how I must have made him feel. I would hate for my children to abandon me.

reply to post by GypsK


I am sad for you and your dad. I think if I were in the situation I would tell him pretty much what you said here,

So what am I supposed to do? Tell him that I love him? Because I don't really know if I do, in fact I think I don't... I'm to angry at him to love him. I hate him for the childhood he gave us and I hate him for the mess he's going to leave behind. But I'm sorry for his miserable disease and for him not being able to make a better life for himself. I'm sorry for his horrible ending.

Be gentle and kind, but you need to express those feelings of hurt and anger to him. Then, as difficult as it may be, you have to forgive him and
YOURSELF for hating him, or thinking you hate him. Not for his sake, but for your own well being.

Originally posted by GypsK
First I'd like to say I'm sorry for not answering posts in the last week but I had other things to deal with.
For those who read my poems (childhood darkness) know that I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who just 'took it'.

It's weird how childhood trauma continues to have such a great impact on your life into adulthood. My father has always been a drunk, never knew him any different. I left my parents home when I was just 16 to go live with my sister because at one point I couldn't bare to be around him anymore... the constant fighting, trashing the place every single night, the swearing... so I left everything and went.

I still feel guilty for leaving my little brother behind, he was 13 at the time. He grew up hating my father, but he stayed at home till he died because he felt that he had to protect our mother. He killed himself two years ago.

I used to hate my father, but once I had a family of my own I just stopped caring I guess. He wouldn't change, my mother wouldn't leave him and he messed up every party he attended, including his grandkids birthday parties.

last Christmas he fell down and broke his cheekbone. His entire face was swollen, but as most alcoholics he wouldn't go see a doctor, he just drank a little more to stop the pain. That's how he is, when he has a toothache he just pulls out the tooth himself, etc..
Then last Thursday he couldn't take it longer and he went to the hospital to get x-rays and a cat scan.
They found that the fracture wasn't that large but something else caused the intense pain and swelling.

He has a big tumor in his head. It has probably been there for years, but because of the fracture it started spreading.... and it's spreading fast. The entire nose-cheek and eyes area is infected. It spread from his right side to his left side in two days, making his entire face swollen. he can't open his right eye anymore, the nose is completely blocked.... I hardly can recognize him. horrible!
There is nothing they can do about it anymore. It's to far spread, chemo isn't possible because of the bad shape of his body due to the alcoholism.
He is going to die within the next two weeks.
Next Tuesday he was supposed to go to a specialized hospital for terminal patients. They will have to keep him sedated because of the alcohol detox and the pain all together.
So by the time we go see him, he won't recognize anyone or even realize we are there.

I just received a phonecall from my mother, she said that he drank 3 entire bottles during the night and had gone crazy from fright and pain... threatening her, calling her the worst things, hitting things. She said she dumped him in the hospital and is not planning to take him home again. They will take him to the other hospital on Tuesday with an ambulance..

So next week I have to go see him knowing that he won't realize I'm there.
Part of me wants to tell him things, tell him how he made me feel all my life, tell him that I almost hate him. But my husband is advising me to shut up... so I probably will.
I guess I won't ever hear his apology either....
So what am I supposed to do? Tell him that I love him? Because I don't really know if I do, in fact I think I don't... I'm to angry at him to love him.
I hate him for the childhood he gave us and I hate him for the mess he's going to leave behind.
But I'm sorry for his miserable disease and for him not being able to make a better life for himself. I'm sorry for his horrible ending.

This is hard. When my brother committed suicide It was painful, not to be able to say goodbye and such.... this time it's my father and I'm going to see him alive for the last time, knowing that it's the last time, saying goodbye while he's still alive. And not knowing what to say to him.

He himself keeps saying 'I'm going to see my son again' and that comforts him, when he's drunk.....

[edit on 31/5/2009 by GypsK]

I have been through a similar experience with my abusive father. I was lucky... my mom left him.

I never have forgiven him. He was abusive emotionally and physically. He was the screwed up crazy SOB who has probably caused me to push away any decent guys.

Ok.. off topic... In saying the above I wanted you to understand that I understand the pain of not having that father who gave his daughter flowers on her birthday, not having that support system in place. The betrayal of trust on so many levels. However, I regret to this day that I did not face him and tell him my anger and level of betrayal from everything he had done to me as a child. I knew he was going to die soon and kept putting it off because I was worried about my family (his side) getting angry with me. Instead I ended up writing him a letter, burying it in the dirt with him and kicking his headstone until my toes hurt. I just really wish I had told him what he had done to me so that when he went to the gates he went... he would understand and KNOW he belonged.

I need to add... I still have anger towards him. I don't have to forgive him for what he did. However, I am slowly losing my anger - even if it doesn't seem like it from the above because I realize it is hendering my life and causing me to be VERY critical and judgmental.

My personal opinion... you don't have to forgive, but you do have to let it go so that you can become healther mentally. It is soooo not easy to do.

[edit on 31-5-2009 by mhinsey]

I am going to be short and to the point because you have very good advice in the above replies. Please don't take the shortness as an indication that you haven't touched my heart - you have.

Have you considered writing a letter to him? If you feel it would be too hard to face him with the words you NEED to say in the state he's in, then write a letter and mail it to him before you go to see him. Assume that he reads it because for you the only thing that matters is that you've said it to him. If he chooses to apologize then that is good but it is HIS choice after you've said what you need to say.

Gypsy....
Make a cup of hot tea and go sit in front of a mirror and talk to and with yourself.
You are an adult now; whose childhood pain is rearing its ugly head with the passing of your father.
Have this time with yourself..I think that because you are aware of the source of your
anger, frustration and pain that you also have all of the answers within you.
Allow yourself the time to discover and collect.

I really feel that you should go see him. He will know that you are there.
Perhaps he is going through the same indecisive moments as you are.
We cannot change who our physical family is. We are only in control of how we
behave around them. Should you make this trip; remember, afterward, you are going home to you and yours.

I truly wish you strength and serenity..

Peace...

There is something that bothers me in the replies. Not that I don't feel sorry for you, trust me, I do, because I know from first hand experience what it is to live with an alcoholic person. No details here.

Being alcoholic is a sickness, an illness. It is like having aids or a cancer. But... it is possible to live with it, and the only way is to refrain totally from drinking any alcohol. It is an uncurable illness.

Hence what bothers me. I surely understand what you feel, and why. I surely do. However, your father is not the one to ask for pardon. Nobody begs a pardon for having caught a cold, or a cancer. It's a condition that he's in: he's an alcoholic. He doesn't have to beg for any pardon. He can feel sorry for the consequences of his sickness, on you, your brother, your mother, everybody else, but it is truly not his fault.

Going to a normal life while being an alcoholic requires a tremendous effort, and it is rarely the effort of only one person. Far from me the idea to blame it on anybody else, but from what I've read, it doesn't seem to me that anyone, including your father himself, has taken hard decisions and steps to have him treated.

Sadly it is too late for him, and you already lost your brother. Very sad.

But do not feel guilty of anything because of what I said. It's only my opinion. What I hope by saying this, is that some people will realize that maybe they can do something for some loved one with a problem of that kind. Addictions (to alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever) are a tough problem to overcome, but it is NOT impossible. And it takes only one person to truly initiate the "outprocessing", the addicted person. However, keep hope that others have their word too, and being supported is essential, critical.

Go and see your father. Tell him that you love him, because deep down inside you, it must still be at least true for a bit. Tell him that you are sorry for happens to him. Because you truly are. Tell him that his sickness killed him, or is killing him at that moment. Tell him that you understand why it is too late. Tell him that you regret that he couldn't have been a "normal" person because of his alcoholism.

Tell him, even if you think he doesn't hear it. If you don't do it for him, do it for you. You need to free from that weight.

Remember: I know what I'm talking about.

I invite you to U2U me if you want to share stories. Talking is very helpful. I have tears in my eyes at this very moment, writing this...

Be strong, good luck!

Originally posted by SpookyVince
There is something that bothers me in the replies. Not that I don't feel sorry for you, trust me, I do, because I know from first hand experience what it is to live with an alcoholic person. No details here.

Being alcoholic is a sickness, an illness. It is like having aids or a cancer. But... it is possible to live with it, and the only way is to refrain totally from drinking any alcohol. It is an uncurable illness.

Hence what bothers me. I surely understand what you feel, and why. I surely do. However, your father is not the one to ask for pardon. Nobody begs a pardon for having caught a cold, or a cancer. It's a condition that he's in: he's an alcoholic. He doesn't have to beg for any pardon. He can feel sorry for the consequences of his sickness, on you, your brother, your mother, everybody else, but it is truly not his fault.

Going to a normal life while being an alcoholic requires a tremendous effort, and it is rarely the effort of only one person. Far from me the idea to blame it on anybody else, but from what I've read, it doesn't seem to me that anyone, including your father himself, has taken hard decisions and steps to have him treated.

Sadly it is too late for him, and you already lost your brother. Very sad.

But do not feel guilty of anything because of what I said. It's only my opinion. What I hope by saying this, is that some people will realize that maybe they can do something for some loved one with a problem of that kind. Addictions (to alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever) are a tough problem to overcome, but it is NOT impossible. And it takes only one person to truly initiate the "outprocessing", the addicted person. However, keep hope that others have their word too, and being supported is essential, critical.

Go and see your father. Tell him that you love him, because deep down inside you, it must still be at least true for a bit. Tell him that you are sorry for happens to him. Because you truly are. Tell him that his sickness killed him, or is killing him at that moment. Tell him that you understand why it is too late. Tell him that you regret that he couldn't have been a "normal" person because of his alcoholism.

Tell him, even if you think he doesn't hear it. If you don't do it for him, do it for you. You need to free from that weight.

Remember: I know what I'm talking about.

I invite you to U2U me if you want to share stories. Talking is very helpful. I have tears in my eyes at this very moment, writing this...

Be strong, good luck!

I understand it is your opinion and you definitely have a right to it. However, I disagree with this on several points... she has a valid right to be angry, upset or whatever she is.

Her father could have at least attempted to do better. My father attempted... not well but attempted to atone. However, it was done at a selfish level on his part.

I have spoken with recovering alcoholics AND drug addicts as a part of trying to understand and cope with my anger, hostility and just plain pain. Almost all stated they felt like they had no choice until something happened that just overwhelmed them with shame, guilt, what ever it needed to be to stop. Accidentally hurting their child or seriously injury to another.

You cannot continue to support a person who is an abuser (alcoholic or drugs). It is called tough love for a reason. You must give them an exaggerated response (i.e. - distancing yourself) to show them the repercussions of their decision to continue. Then it will be up to him/her to ask for help. At some point, for your own sanity, you have to give up on them until they come asking for help. It would overwhelm you at some point otherwise. Even AA tells you to do that if you are getting overwhelmed.

If you are "supporting" an alcoholic or a drug abuser then you are an enabler. That is no better. It is not healthy for YOU.



[edit on 31-5-2009 by mhinsey]

reply to post by mhinsey



That’s not what the big book says. If you believe that you are misinterpreting the passage

To the OP Its up to you, but an al anon meeting might help you.

Originally posted by Plasma applicator
reply to post by mhinsey

 

That’s not what the big book says. If you believe that you are misinterpreting the passage

To the OP Its up to you, but an al anon meeting might help you.

The "big book" might not... but a person did. Best advice ever given.

Thank you all very much for the replies, I really appreciate it!

wow, it keeps surprising me how many people there are that had similar childhoods... and it keep reminding me on all the children who are in similar families right now.
When I was in my 20ties (I'm 32 now) I went to a few ALANON meetings but it didn't seem my thing, all I felt was angriness and all 'they' seemed to feel was sadness. I never felt much for crying on a strangers shoulders.
Anyway, whenever I walk by the local pubs I sometimes see parents inside with their small children, the parents drunk, the children not cared for. That brings back memories... it also makes me want to help them in some way but I guess that's not possible if I can't even help myself.
My own doctor keeps suggesting that I go "talk to someone"... whenever she mention it I have the 'don't want to cry on a strangers shoulders' feeling again.

After my brother died I kept strong for everyone else around me, made the arrangements, even wrote the ceremony speech, etc. A few months later I became very sick myself, they didn't find anything wrong with me. In short, I was unable to swallow. Stress had caused my throat muscles to tighten up so bad that nothing could get passed it, the swallow reflex was completely gone. One day they said to me "swallow something now or we will start you on tube-feeding".
I remember the exact moment where I decided that I wanted to live, I wrote a poem to my brother, cried for two days straight and started eating. I still have problems sometimes but I'm able to keep a good weight, still I fear that with my fathers condition it will all start over again. Just to be clear: I'm not anorexic, some seem to think that I am but this is not anorexia, it's a stress reaction and it seems to be rather rare, I found only 4 people on the Internet who have the exact same thing. The only difference between me and them is that they are on all kinds of pills and I never took anything. My doc doesn't want me on meds, she feels that I can do this on my own, she said it will make me come out stronger in the end. So no meds for me... wouldn't want them either although sometimes I think 'just sedate me and wake me up in a couple of days'.

ok, sorry for that rant, back on topic

In a lot of the replies people say that I have to keep in mind that alcoholism is a disease. I know that it is. 6 years ago my father went into the hospital because of his liver, back then they gave him 6 months at max. After that he was actually sober for a few months and he became a person that I couldn't recognize... it didn't last very long though. In those few months I have told him how glad I was that he stopped drinking and how I enjoyed being around him much more. What? He didn't care enough to stay off the next drink?
Years back he would only drink in the evenings but not during the day, the last 15 years he drank all day long.
I realized that he 'spoke' drunk what he 'thought' sober...only sober he didn't have the nerve to say it. Argue all you want with me on how a drunk man doesn't mean what he is saying because that is such BS. They know exactly what they say and mean every word of it, only sober they wouldn't say it out loud. The only thing the disease does is take away all ethic values and borders.
I'm sorry, I don't mean this personal to anyone reading this, I even appreciate the few replies admitting they have a drinking problem and I really hope they can get well again, I really do.

As for any of us trying to help him, yes we did try. I don't know the law in other countries, but over here you cannot just have someone comitted. In order to do so you must be able to prove that he is a serious danger to others, meaning that he must have caused injuries already. Then you have to go and have a court rule about it... and that is expensive.
We asked him to have himself comitted and he has always refused, got angry, trew us out the door, etc.... believe me, we tried. I payed for his health insurance when he was sober... but I stopped when he started drinking again. I lend him the money for a car when he got sober, 7000 euros, and till this day he never payed back a cent, I ask, he says "next week", etc etc

Someone asked me if I couldn't think of one good moment about my father. Well, he made me a doll house for my birthday when I was 7. Now I realize that he made it because they didn't have enough money to buy it, but I was in heaven when I saw it! It's the only thing he ever made me. Of course, the exact same day he broke my savings-piggy to steal my money so he could buy himself a drink (he never paied me back btw).
The good memories are the days when he didn't smash a window or when he didn't turn the coffee table upside down.. Or when my kid had her 8th birthday party and he was to drunk to attend it. That are the good memories.

I was actually going to write this post about forgiving and trying to forget, but I get so angry when I think about him. I don't think I can forgive him just yet.

I do believe in something more after death and I do believe that when the time is there that I can forgive him, I will let him know and he will hear it, weather he is still alive or already death.