Teaching kids about sex?

Ok, was just in the Gay Curriculum Proposal Riles Elementary School Parents thread and noticed cheshire cat made the comment "It's hard enough being a parent having to explain heterosexual relationships to kids (I'm talking about younger children here). ". I didn't want to take that forum off topic, so I am posting this here. With so much politics about GBLT, etc., in schools one of the things that keeps coming up is "I don't want the schools to teach my kids about sex, condoms, AIDS, gays, etc." But the parents themselves are too shy to talk about it. I simply cannot understand why.

We have been very up front, honest, and thorough with our kids about sex. We explain the mechanics of it, the purpose of it regarding reproduction, the fact that we as mammals are pretty much wired to enjoy it, and the implications and consequences of having kids before you are ready. We have never held anything back, although we would often skip the technical jargon and explain things in simple terms to prevent confusion. To this date, we haven't had any issues. Our kids have been encouraged to talk to us openly, in fact our son told mom about his first time the day after.

My son is now 19 and about to go into the Air Force. He has not sired any children, always uses a condom, and will only sleep with a gal he really cares about. Our daughter is 14, just started taking boys seriously, but still says that sex is not something she is at all interested in. We are stil careful with her, of course. We meet the boys ahead of time, all the usual parent stuff.

So what's the issue? Is it shame? Embarassment? Religion? I simply do not get it.

[edit on 5-22-2009 by rogerstigers]

What I think is really sad is not parents avoiding teaching kids about sex, but parents that don't bother talking to their teenagers about sex after a few initial explanation. Which is why I'm all for teaching teenagers about sex, but I think it should be left to parents of elementary aged children to discuss such things. The schools can get involved in their high school years.

I don't think it's only a question of why parents avoid talking about sex, but what is it about them that keeps their child from wanting to talk to them about it? That's something that schools can not fix and that parents need to work on.

I really felt bad for my gay friends in high school who couldn't talk to their parents about sex, let alone about being homosexuals, and who were only taught vaguely about anything other than heterosexual sex and relationships. Thank God for the internet, or us bisexuals and homosexuals would have had a lot of unanswered questions.

Whatever is holding them back, the schools, or the parents, I just think they need to get with the times.

We live in a different society then we use to, there are all sorts of sexual dangers, young people can not afford to be ignorant. They need to address more sexual topics and to present all the facts.

My mother is a midwife so I was informed very thoroughly about all the issues regarding sexual activity as soon as I started asking questions. I do believe that religion plays a factor when parents inform children because the general idea of many religious people is "No sex before marriage" and for some reason people believe that avoiding the issue means their children won't know about sex and will remain abstinent.

I think we all know that it doesn't work that way.

Originally posted by ravenshadow13
My mother is a midwife so I was informed very thoroughly about all the issues regarding sexual activity as soon as I started asking questions. I do believe that religion plays a factor when parents inform children because the general idea of many religious people is "No sex before marriage" and for some reason people believe that avoiding the issue means their children won't know about sex and will remain abstinent.

I think we all know that it doesn't work that way.

Excatly. In fact it seems to have the opposite effect. The more kids know the more likely they are going to abstain until they are ready... Knowledge is power after all. Conversely, a kid who is kept in the dark probably thinks sex is ok because Mom and Dad never told them otherwise.

Course in my case, I was a social misfit, so abstinance was not voluntary... :-P

Originally posted by rapinbatsisaltherage
Which is why I'm all for teaching teenagers about sex, but I think it should be left to parents of elementary aged children to discuss such things. The schools can get involved in their high school years.

Ok way back when I was in high school in the 80's, my school started a pilot program on life skills which included sex ed portion. The teacher teaching us about sex was also an elder in the mormon church (lots of mormons in my high school, 10-20%).

He starts the sex ed lecture by showing a bunch of stick people doing various things to other stick people, which he had drawn on the white board. Under each one of them he had labeled the technical name for the sex act he was representing with said image. He would tell us about what each one was and then he would use a red dry erase marker to cross out said image and tell us 'This depraved act is an affront to god'. This was in a public school too.

The sadest part was the young girl behind me who honestly believed that people didn't do those things they were just stories used to frighten kids. So I can image how the one gay guy in our class must have felt about the whole thing.

Originally posted by rapinbatsisaltherage
Thank God for the internet, or us bisexuals and homosexuals would have had a lot of unanswered questions.

Irony or an oxymoron? Either way it's quite amusing. Sort of like a sailor praying for a town of strippers. How unorthodox of you.

At any rate , homosexuals are only capeable of fore-play. To have actual sex requires opposing genders. Schools aren't so big on teaching children about fore-play. They sort of figure that part out for themselves. Really, do we need to have long drawn out sememster classes on the subject? There's not much to learn about it really. Boy parts go inside of girl parts. This creates a baby.

reply to post by Captain Obvious

, homosexuals are only capeable of fore-play. To have actual sex requires opposing genders.

Two men are capable of intercourse on their own.

Two women need a little help.

[snip]

[edit on 22-5-2009 by rapinbatsisaltherage]



Mod Edit -

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[edit on 27-5-2009 by elevatedone]

I suppose there are three types of parents when it comes to sex education:

1. Nope. You should be having none of it.

2. Here is all the information I can possibly embarass you by telling you

and...

3. They already probably know or they'll figure it out....or at the very least slip a sex ed book under their bedroom door and run for the hills!!!

There are two deciding factors, I believe, one is religious befief/abstinence and the other is personal comfort with sexuality.

My parents were kind of the latter. They were older when they had me (I was the last child) and being British they just never spoke of such things. Well until I was old enough to reply to the start of the better-late-than-never sex conversation that I was already on birth control and yes, I had been subscribing to Cosmo for years now...hehe

The difficult one is the religious aspect. Throughout history and traditional societies great emphasis was put on female virginity and purity (its must nicer buying a new car than a pre-owned one you know)....yet again for the most part women were "bought and sold" into marriage for reasons other than love....
The Bible does not expressly state pre-marital sex is naughty. When it comes to Deuteronomy 22:13-21 the meaning in the case against the man marrying a non-virgin and who sold her to him is more about "bad business" than it is virginity. And lying to your father (which yes, is a sin) You know, because she is property and all. To use the same car analogy...he bought a lemon! No where does it ever allude to men being virgins.....(sorry Jonas brothers, we love you anyway though) And the Bible does state adultery is a no-no....but the exact definition of adultery I believe is open to interpretation.

So, I will ALWAYS be in the school of anti-abstinence only education. Listen, there are two types of people in this world: those who save it for marriage and those who don't. Some people try to save it for marriage and it ends up not being the case.....some people would have like to have lost their virginity eons ago! But maybe they met someone special who believes in my first description. So, not everyone is abstinent...so why are we just teaching that again? Simple math really.....

BUT- there are many valuable lessons that can come from abstinence only education programs....one of which I had to sit through during my two year stunt in a public school away from private school....
They made us pass around a piece of paper (our heart...aw) and each tear a tiny piece off. The person at the end of the line was our husband/wife. Ever person we apparently slept with took a little piece of our heart away....and all we had left for our partner was a tiny crappy piece of paper.....or a tiny crappy piece of our heart. Hahaha. But no really, I actually use this. Especially for women! And not even just for sex.....
Only have meaningful relationships and/or sex. Even with teenagers...don't just date someone to date someone. Don't just sleep with someone just to sleep with someone.....even without sex it devalues your worth! I don't care how many people you have sex with before you're married....if they are meaningful and beautiful to you then go ahead!

Some of the most erotic and/or romantic moments of my dating career were not necessarily with my husband...and I'm sure the same vice-versa! Can we still not be soulmates? Can we still not grow old together and raise our family and be partners in crime til death do us part?

So that is my plan for my children. Its necessary to teach them to be responsible with their hearts and minds. Thats the most important (and the hardest) part.

And I have no reservations talking about sex so I'm sure I will consistantly embarass them with my frankness and they will have the knowledge and good judgement to be as happy as I am today (as well as being mortified...hehehe....)

And to those parents who don't want to give their children the whole story.....Just in case please, PLEASE tell them about birth control. A young adolescent can turn into a rebellious teen in a month. They can fall in with the "wrong crowd" and suddently forget any previous talks on chastity. And you know what, you can give them all the talks you want but sometimes you'll be powerless. It might not be what you want for them...but what is worse? A teen who slips up and has sex....or a teen who slips up and has sex and ends up with a horrific STD...or pregnancy...or worse.....







[edit on 22-5-2009 by awake_awoke]

Originally posted by Captain ObviousAt any rate , homosexuals are only capeable of fore-play. To have actual sex requires opposing genders.

Technically true, but immaterial in a sense. [snip] but you are (obviously) right that reproduction is not possibly between two members of the same gender as yet. I can imagine a day when lesbians can make baby girls via artificial fertilization... *shrug*

I am not one to condone teaching sexual positions and techniques in public school. For one, I don't think it even comes close to the purpose of grade school - high school. Also, that is really kind of the point of exploring as a young adult. I do think it would have been a pretty groovy elective to have available in college. *smirk*


Mod Edit -

1b.) Profanity: You will not use profanity in our forums, and will neither post with language or content that is obscene, sexually oriented, or sexually suggestive nor link to sites that contain such content. You will also not use common alternative spellings or net-speak alternative for profane words.

[edit on 27-5-2009 by elevatedone]

I remember when my father tried to tell me about the birds and bees. It was the most awkward conversation for him and I both and consisted of:

"Well son, you know...ahem...ahem...ah....about...you know."
"Yes dad. I know all about that."
"Good. I just wanted to make sure we were clear on that."
"Yup, I think we are."
"*COUGH* Good, because I just want you to be safe. *COUGH*"

Thus, I grew up not feeling that I could go to parents about anything regarding the subject of sex, I had to rely on what I learned in Public Education to fill in what wasn't covered (which was everything). I put off dating, let alone sex, until I was in my early 20s (which only made my parents fear that I was gay, which would have made things even more painful had I been).

I've been very fortunate to have a relatively healthy sex life nevertheless.

With my daughter, it has been difficult for me, in turn to broach the subject with her.

When she was 3 years of age the masturbation topic was the first to come up. She would masturbate in public all the time. I didn't want to give her a complex about it or think that she had to feel shameful about it, so we had a brief conversation of "Sweetie, some things aren't acceptable to be done in public, and should be reserved for private time when you are alone." She got the clue and we've never discussed the subject again. Out of sight, out of mind is good enough for me...and considering she takes 3 hour long baths every night at age 12, she clearly doesn't have any kind of complex over it.

After her mother and I separated, and I started dating again, the topic of sex inevitably had to arise. At first, giving her an explanation that was good enough for a 7 year old about what sex is and why it should be reserved until marriage was more than sufficient, but eventually she got old enough and wise enough to start realizing that if she found a pair of panties on my floor when she came back from her mom's that I wasn't obviously waiting for marriage. At that point, we had to have a much longer, more detailed talk about Birth Control, Pre-Marital Sex, STDs and so forth. However, it was much easier when your child confronts you about your own Sex Life rather than you having to confront them about theirs.

Next thing we had to discuss was Gay and Lesbian relationships. I have a lot of friends who are Gay and Lesbian. Her mother is Bi-Sexual. We live in a town where I am quite possibly the last Hetero-sexual Male left. So, my daughter sees PDAs between two men or two women all the time...at the store, at gas-station, at the movies, at restaurants, etc. Obviously, I'm not homophobic, nor am I so closed minded that I think they are going to Hell that I would want to ingrain the same bigotry into my daughter. However, trying to teach open-mindedness is actually far more difficult than one might think. After years of trying to explain Gay and Lesbian relationships to my daughter, we are finally up to "EWWW!!! That's gross dad!" I feel like that's a milestone.

At this point, the biggest difficulty in educating my own daughter about Sex is getting her to understand the difference between Platonic and Amorous Relationships. My 12 year old daughter just cannot comprehend the concept of Platonic relationships between Man and Woman (although she seems to understand it between Men and Men and Woman and Woman). I'm really at a loss at how to get her to comprehend that it's perfectly fine and acceptable (and in most cases expected) for men to be nothing more than Platonic friends with females and vice versa. Even though she isn't sexually active yet (and hopefully won't for another decade if I had my way), the idea of being "just friends" with a boy is a foreign concept to her.

The main thing I have tried to do is keep my daughter talking to me. To show that I respect her opinion and help her feel free from judgment so that she can approach me anytime and freely ask questions. It seems to work, even if I do spit coffee out of my nose when she asks me about the purpose of Clitoral Piercings at the breakfast table. Thankfully I learned when I was a kid that even kids learn about these things, and are insatiably curious about everything sexual, long before their parents ever assume they would be. Still, it catches me off guard, but ultimately, I'd rather she come to me with her questions than get everything she wants to know from kids on the playground that may not be as well informed.

Originally posted by rapinbatsisaltherage
reply to post by Captain Obvious

 

, homosexuals are only capeable of fore-play. To have actual sex requires opposing genders.

Two men are capable of intercourse on their own.

Two women need a little help.

[snip]

[edit on 22-5-2009 by rapinbatsisaltherage]

i am down to help for education haha

Lets keep it for the parents some use it as relationship building eg man gto man talk ect. parents are there all your life speak to them leave the teachers to teach they things you need to know for school.



Mod Edit - removed material previously delted by staff.


[edit on 27-5-2009 by elevatedone]

reply to post by thecrow001


There are plenty of appropriate, text book ways to discuss sexual activity that is outside of the standard man/woman reproduction discussion. Most schools already discuss oral sex.


[edit on 22-5-2009 by rapinbatsisaltherage]

Originally posted by awake_awoke
So, I will ALWAYS be in the school of anti-abstinence only education. Listen, there are two types of people in this world: those who save it for marriage and those who don't. Some people try to save it for marriage and it ends up not being the case.....some people would have like to have lost their virginity eons ago! But maybe they met someone special who believes in my first description. So, not everyone is abstinent...so why are we just teaching that again? Simple math really.....

Very good point here. Also there's simple risk management.
1) People who choose to be abstinant and succeed, yay for them
2) People who choose to be abstinant and fail -- no birth control/protection = bad
3) People who choose not to be abstinant and succeed -- no birth control/protection = bad
4) People who choose not to be abstinant and fail -- sucks to be them, but at least they know how to be safe if they find someone drunk enough.. *grin*

Originally posted by awake_awoke
BUT- there are many valuable lessons that can come from abstinence only education programs....one of which I had to sit through during my two year stunt in a public school away from private school....
They made us pass around a piece of paper (our heart...aw) and each tear a tiny piece off. The person at the end of the line was our husband/wife. Ever person we apparently slept with took a little piece of our heart away....and all we had left for our partner was a tiny crappy piece of paper.....or a tiny crappy piece of our heart. Hahaha. But no really, I actually use this. Especially for women! And not even just for sex.....

Yeah, see, we couldn't use this example in our family. I guess to use a bible analogy, my wife and I believe that the love in our hearts is like the basket of fish; it never runs dry. Yeah, we are "polyamorous" -- in Texas no less.

reply to post by rapinbatsisaltherage


i dont think its right to be taught in school no matter how many books there are. social time figures alot of this out and parents should have atleast a say if teachers can talk/ teach them about this stuff.

once i was told about sex ed. thats when i started noticing girls thats when the grades went downhill.

So if there going to teach it let the parents decide if its ok for their child.

reply to post by thecrow001

i dont think its right to be taught in school no matter how many books there are.

Well I respectfully disagree. I think kids should be able to at least go to a counselor who is specifically placed in each school to discuss these matters. Most kids will not discuss these things with their parents even if the parents are willing, and getting the facts and necessary information is better than them talking to other young people who think they know what they're talking about.

reply to post by rapinbatsisaltherage


I see your point however i stand by opinion. that no sex teaching in school

But the idea of a private person with the school to talk to would be easier.

I think at one point i herd they wanted to lower the age of being able to speak to kids about sex. This age is young enough i think.

My girlfriend and I had two completely different backrounds regarding this. My parents were extremely open, and weren't embarrassed at all. In fact, by the time my mom had gotten around to it, I was more than aware. My brother, who is nearly ten years older than me, had his girlfriend living with us when I was 8 years old and walked in on them all the time. Plus he used to leave his porn magazines around, so I got an idea of it pretty early on. Also, I used to sneak up and turn on cinemax in the evening, and the brief time we had the playboy channel. So I kind of self educated myself. Plus I do give a lot of credit to the cinemax soft porn because it did influence me to bring more passion and generousity toward sex later on in my life. Even though my mom did know I already knew, so she just went through the brief but direction explanation and to keep it wrapped. So there was never any pressure before my first time, in fact I was more than ready for it.
My girlfriend on the other hand, had it the opposite. She was raised by very strict Christian parents and had her life in such a bubble that even by the time she entered college, she didn't know what to expect. She wasn't allowed to conversate with boys growing up unless it was just strictly friendship, nothing more. So she had kind of gotten used to being "one of the guys", but never got to see the uglier side of how some, if not many guys can be. She is very open about her first time, and it was not pretty at all. She was desperate and just kind of picked any guy and she had chosen someone who could care less about respecting her. Let's just say, they still haven't caught the guy. She got messed up for a long time, and was involved in a few horrible relationships, including a guy that was old enough to be her father, but then later admitted he was married with kids about her age, which of course devestated her.

I have been with her for a few years now and I've done the best I can to treat her better than the others, which I know I do, but you can still see she is still scarred from it and still just a little bit naive, but she is getting better. But all this was because her parents had forbid her from guys, and did not sit and talk about this stuff with her. They still insist what they did was the right thing. Then again, I noticed that some of the women in her family had went through this as well. Why some people put this bad label on sex, I have no idea, but trying to hope that kids will not want to do it if the parents don't talk to them about it, is got to be the most stupid way of going about it.

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[edit on 23-5-2009 by 12m8keall2c]

reply to post by rapinbatsisaltherage


People forget that society is here to mold us. Children are afraid to talk to their parents because there is something expected of our behavior nowadays. Freedom loses it's meaning so often now. Such as being gay. I have a lot of gay friends as well and I don't think it is fair they be left out because of their sexuality. School won't teach our children about it because "religion" might get in the way. Well, that is a totally different topic, but it's the truth. They shouldn't even be in the same conversation but that is how society is these days. i agree with you, I feel bad for those who can't be open with their parents. I had the luxury of having a really open-minded mother who taught me all I needed.

reply to post by thecrow001


The only thing not teaching our children does is makes them come up with their own ideas and forces them to either experiment, or if they can't talk to their parents, as most can't, they have to ask others. Will sometimes sends them false information. SO if we don't teach them about sex, STD's, and Protection how will they find out? We will end up with 16 year old girls who are pregnant and have AID's. not that it is any better teaching them, at least it helps