The pitfalls of being the "perfect" husband...

Ok, I think I should start by defining this...

It isn't a self-definition...but here's the thing. I love my wife. I treat her like a queen because I love her so much. I may not be rich, but that's not what I mean. I mean I care for her, and let her know it in many little ways. (I'm old-school manners, I try to do thoughtful, unexpected things for her, etc.)

I'm not "whipped" by any stretch, and we've had our share of throw-downs (though few), but here is what the "problem" really is....

My wife has many girlfriends, and the vast majority are married. My behaviors often have them going "oh, I wish my husband would do that", etc. While this would be considered good by most standards...it puts me in a not so great position with those other hubbies, most of which are my good friends...

Here's a case in point. Yesterday, me, my wife, and another couple (longtime friends) were at the local zoo. It was a hot day. We were by the carousel, waiting for the next ride for their daughter. I mentioned getting a sno cone for my wife, and I could tell my bud's wife wanted one too. (I just have a knack for it, she never really said it)... Anyhow, so I go wait in line (it's a long one). (I should add that my bud doesn't have a lot of relationship experience, but is too stubborn to take any advice). I get 3 Sno Cones (one for me and the wife, one for a friend's daughter that we took to the zoo, and one for the other couple...these things are HUGE, so one is more than enough for two)...

The other hubby comes over at one point, we chat (I'm still in line, but hoping he'll then help me carry them over to everyone). Then, before I can say anything (I was going to suggest he just say it was his idea to get her a sno cone), he goes back to meet up with them...

Now, I didn't know this, but found out later, that upon his return, his wife assumed he got the hint and went to get a sno cone. When he came back empty handed, she was rather put out....

Then, I show up with Sno Cones for everyone. Sure, I come off as the great guy, but he looks like a heel.

This is just ONE example, of times when I try to be a good person, but somehow injure another (emotionally)... This kind of thing seems to happen to me a lot. Any suggestions? I know it's more his issue than mine, but I still feel bad when something like this happens. I seem to do something like this at least once a weekend to one of my buds...

I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but maybe next time you're going to fetch or do something for your wife, ask the other guy if he'll accompany you then he can do the same thing for his wife.

There must be a tactful way to do it so he can't refuse and look inconsiderate. Then you will both get credit for doing a good thing and with any luck the other man's wife will forget that it was your idea.

After a few times, you might find that you've trained your friends and they will start making the suggestions first.

Not a bad idea... Of course, that was just one situation, but the general suggestion of getting the guy to go along with me under just the "buddy" bit, and having him as an unwitting accomplice who gets the praise, could be applied to a lot of situations.

We guys just don't typically do things in groups like you gals do, hehe...so would have to work it just right...(like wanting to talk to him about something completely non-related)....

reply to post by berenike


I would avoid that idea for the simple fact when Gazrok isnt around the other hubby's will be shown up .
Gazrok I mean no disrespect by the following question .
Are there any qualities that your wife sees in your friends or rather other husbands that you don't have ?
At the end of the day people don't usually change and the women in question must have seen other good quality's in there future husbands when they married them . Women are differnt from men . If I wasn't happily single and somebody asked me about my partner I would possible say something to the effect of
" she is hot , she shares my values end of story . "
Women on the hand will or can drag out such a conversation for hours over coffee and cake .

Been there done that.

I think I'm a good husband too. Saint, no way, but I try my best to keep my wife happy and keep our relationship fresh.

Often times when we're around our friends, the guys get in trouble from their wifes / girlfriends because of something I'm saying or doing for my wife and the other women feel that they should get the same treatment.

Gaz, maybe we should collaborate and write a book on being good husbands.

reply to post by xpert11


You find out an awful lot about a person after you've started living with them, and it isn't all good

A random act of kindness can go a long way

On the other hand, let's imagine that conversation between the wives over coffee:

"Hey girls, we went out with Gazrok and his wife the other day and Rat Face bought me a Sno Cone without any provocation.........Jeez, that was unusual..........oh cripes, I bet he's up to something..'

Conversation then continues for hours trying to work out what 'something' is. The conclusion will probably be that he's got another woman.

Gaz, I treat my g/f like you treat your wife, and I could really care less what her friends' significant others' feel about what they perceive as being shown up. It's completely insignificant to me. Besides, most of them are younger than me by close to ten years and still have a fraternal "boys club" mindset. They can either learn or get out of the way because my g/f's well-being is all I care about.

Consequently, I have very few male friends who I consider real friends.

Peace

[edit on 20-5-2009 by Dr Love]

Thing is, these guys were my buds long before our wives were in the picture...so yeah, I kind of have to care about what they think, hehe...

Often times when we're around our friends, the guys get in trouble from their wifes / girlfriends because of something I'm saying or doing for my wife and the other women feel that they should get the same treatment.

Exactly. I don't think that (with most of them), her girlfriends are unhappy with their guys...just that they wish they were more thoughtful. It really doesn't take a whole lot of effort...and I imagine that just like many behaviors, with practice, it would become habit....

Easy rule...

When doing something for yourself, ask yourself if there's anything you can also do for your significant other (or any friends present) at the same time.

That's it...really. So, if you get up and go in the kitchen to get a drink, ask her if she'd like one. When I was in the store the other day (shopping for something I needed), I saw a little something she'd like (nothing expensive, under $10 even, but I knew she'd like it), so I got it for her. No occassion, no event. That kind of stuff goes a long way fellas...

Are there any qualities that your wife sees in your friends or rather other husbands that you don't have ?

Nothing she's stated, if you ask her, she'd say she wouldn't change a thing (even though I'd certainly want to be in better shape). Sure, there are little things she dislikes, like my fidgeting, getting sucked into the tv occassionally, etc., but just minor annoyances like that. I'm not saying I'm a saint, but just pointing out the pitfalls of being thoughtful...

[edit on 20-5-2009 by Gazrok]

Next time you should say 'hey buddy, let's go grab some sno cones/ice cream/whatever for the ladies'. If he doesn't get the hint, he can't get mad at you after.

Yeah, but if I said that in front of the ladies, then he still gets no cred there....

But, if I get him to the side, and then we go do it, he gets the kudos by proxy...which is why I'll have to try that idea out...just that my behavior is pretty set, so I'll have to remember to think of it...

I wish I could just sit him down and just give him some advice, but he's simply too stubborn to take it... True, his marital issues go deeper than this kind of thing, but if he'd just try and do some nice things for her once in a while, it would go a long way towards mending their rifts....

reply to post by Gazrok


I think the 'no cred' is where you start to overthink things.

As long as she gets her sno cone/ice cream/whatever from him, he's golden. She's not gonna care who's idea it was in the first place.

[edit on 21-5-2009 by Duzey]

She's not gonna care who's idea it was in the first place.

Oh..you don't know her very well...hehe.... Seriously though, I think I've gotten some good advice here on how to spread the wealth so to speak....