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Originally posted by dmorgan
Cool, people seriously need to know about this horrible "illness".
It was only 24 hours ago that I was googling "how to kill yourself peacefully"...
I've been dealing with this s*** for several years. I don't tell anyone, because I know they probably won't understand. People say "harden up", "grow some balls". If only they knew what it felt like to be suffering from this. You can't simply harden up, that's not how it works. Something is off in your brain and it causes some strange stuff to happen. I don't ask for sympathy, I hate it when people sympathise over me.
Oh yeah and those little white pills the doctor prescribed me within a minute of seeing him for my first consultation? They make the whole thing worse. They turned me into a zombie, INCREASED my anxiety levels and actually made me feel worse. I tried two different types of anti-depressants.
I have a healthy lifestyle... exercise every two days, eat well, get plenty of sleep. So far, I haven't "recovered" or "got better". Some days I feel great, but it only takes a few hours to go to the complete, opposite end of the scale.
The only thing keeping me for doing the next step is, well, my family. I know what my Mum is like when her pet rabbit dies, it would be horrible for them.
Don't know how long I'll be here for though, lets see how I feel tomorrow...
Originally posted by wylekat
reply to post by berenike
I've been at this for 20 years- and believed- truly believed for the entire time. I am burned out on believing on something that obviously isn't going to HAPPEN. As for my opinions about myself? I've been told I am too ugly, too poor, too this, and not enough of that by every woman I have tried to date. My ex boss worsened this problem by a factor of 10- and after only a couple years working for him, almost all my talent and skill went down the toilet to boot. Some Christian. Bah. I liked his daughter.... and she was in on screwing me over. I had ambition for a certain job, and tried for it for well over 2 decades. I finally gave up last summer. I was completely burned to the ground. I have tried, and tried and tried- I dont have the strength to try any more. I lost love, I lost a career, I lost everything, I'm pushing middle age, and I have NOTHING to show for it- minus the fact I am 1 step away from crazytown.
Originally posted by wylekat
I'd love to know what keeps me from doing the final deed... No one would mourn me (at least a couple would party their butts off), no family to send into spirals of grief (Any of them who found out would party their butts off, too)...
As for talent- I have some stuff that'd make me... if this was a perfect world... the second coming of Mel Blanc. I have art, 3d modeling, mechanical know how, computer know how, I can nearly drive or even fly anything. My flight teacher in the Navy was always amazed how well I could fly a cessna. Too bad he was the one who dinged up the plane on 2 occasions.
The first blow to all of this was losing a woman I truly loved. And each time I tried to find someone else to love- I got shot down again and again, and it was bloody each time. Then my boss, who after his witch of a daughter teased out personal facts about my life would then ridicule me, insult me, and laugh about it. (As for inadequate- the man has 12 kids at least count! Guess who felt that way?!) He'd 'act gay' at me... I didn't clout him- was too busy running the mantra: " I get money. I get money. I want to kill him. I get money, tho." Oh- I forgot- a couple of reasons I am not wanted and reviled- I have a bad back, and I'm on disability for it. I may as well wear a big neon sign that says DAMAGED GOODS! LEPER! SOCIAL OUTCAST!
It's just gotten to the point I have generalized all women- they all just want a fat wallet and good looks, or one over the other if the guy is really loaded or a hunk. Sure- I can sit here and make art, do all sorts of crap- but with no one to truly share them with... why bother?? I have stuff up on Photobucket, same name. Yup, for all the world to see. I dont hear a peep about it being good, bad, or anything else.
[edit on 17-4-2009 by wylekat]
Originally posted by mkultraangel
There are hotlines that you can call when you are feeling bad, also.... if it gets that bad call someone!!!!