(SXWC) The Final Warning

“...and as you can see in this animation, the earth’s rotation has stopped.” A bluish sphere representing the earth spun into view. Professor Pouerpoynt moved his hands over it, pointing to the areas in red that represented the continents. “That, combined with the catastrophic fall of the moon toward our planet has spawned massive eruptions in South America, deadly tsunami activity in Asia, and a last-minute reunion of ABBA in Sweden. It is, quite literally, the end of the world.”

“Thank you, Professor, for that grim assessment.” Droopy eyelids and tousled hair telegraphed Anderson Cooper’s weariness, understandable given the extraordinary events that had taken place around the globe during the past seventy-two hours. “And now we go again to Wolf Blitzer, who’s been standing by outside the Vatican. Wolf, what’s the latest on this new policy?”

“As you know, Anderson, the multitudes of faithful seeking salvation have overwhelmed the Church’s ability to hear them, so the Pope has decided to break with tradition and is now welcoming any and all confessions via text messaging and email. Just click send, and you are saved. That’s the word.”

“What about Twitter, Wolf? Will that get you into heaven?”

“The Vatican leadership is convening, going over nearly two millennia of doctrine in order to answer that question. But as stands now, I’d say email and text will get you to heaven, but Twitter might land you in purgatory.”

“And Facebook?”

“Definitely Hell.”

“All right then,” Anderson replied. “Let’s now turn our attention to Wall Street, where Lou Dobbs is standing by with the latest. Lou, with doomsday fast approaching, how’s all this affecting the Dow?”

Lou Dobbs shrugged his shoulders. “It’s been an ‘up’ day for the most part, Anderson.”

“Wait...did you say up?”

“That’s right. The Dow closed up fifty points, and the NASDAQ recovered from yesterday’s loss with a last-minute rally.”

Anderson shook his head in disbelief. “But, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know,” Dobbs replied, nodding his head. “Look, Anderson, no one has ever admitted this before, but with the end of the world coming, I’m going to spill the beans. Here it is...” He took a deep breath. “The stock market is fake.”

“Lou, are you telling me the world’s financial system is rigged?”

“Not rigged, Anderson. Fake. It doesn’t exist, and never did. Alexander Hamilton made the whole thing up in 1785 to sell his newsletter. Want to know where your 401K contributions really go?”

“Hang on, just a minute...” Anderson reached for his earpiece and announced “I’m afraid we’re going to have to break away now and cover some unsettling news… the state of New Jersey has frozen solid...”

Inside the Oval Office, The President of the United States of America clicked off the TV, and set down the remote control. His first four years had been awful enough, and now, for the first time, he was regretting his decision to run for re-election. Groaning painfully, he massaged his brow, and then swivelled in his chair to face the three people who stood patiently on the other side of his desk.. “How are the evacuations going?”

“Very good, Mr. President,” his Chief of Staff replied, his expression steady and reassuring. “The House and Senate leadership are onboard Air Force One, as well as the Presidential Cabinet, the White House Staff, and, of course, your family. We should get going as well, sir. The next earthquake will...”

The President waived his hand, cutting off his sentence. “Now hold on a minute. I’m not giving up just yet. Where are we with this Mayan Codex thing? Did you find a solution?”

Hearing this, the Presidential Science Advisor stepped forward, smiling and happy to be in the spotlight once again. “Allow me to clarify that, Mr. President,” he said, adjusting his glasses. “It’s not the Mayan Codex we’re interested in, but rather the annotations to it that were carved into a granite slab over a five hundred years ago.”

“The slab was discovered inside a hotel in Mexico last year. We believe the ancient symbols carved into its surface complete the Mayan Prophesy of 2012, and an accurate translation can tell us what will happen next. Here, I’ll show you.” He pushed forward a mobile cart, atop which sat a laptop computer. After pressing a button on the keyboard, the display lit up. “In this video, you can see the inscriptions...”

The President leaned forward, and frowned. “All I see is a topless girl. Now two topless girls. Is this a joke?”

The Defense Secretary interjected, “Not a joke, sir. It’s Spring Break Bunnies VI: The Girls of Cancun. The actual slab was destroyed before any archeologists could see it.”

“Destroyed?” the President asked. “How?”

“Some college students threw it out a second-story window during a party, at which point it shattered. They thought it was a bench.”

The President was at a loss for words.

The Science Advisor continued, “But that doesn’t matter, because this video provides a visual record of the event. We just need to fast forward....”

The President waved him off. “Forget it. Just tell me what it said.”

The Science Advisor handed him a print-out of a series of numbers, in rows of three. “We’ve identified the numbers, but we still don’t know what they mean.”

“You’re kidding. Then it’s useless?”

“We’ve got our best minds working on it, Mr. President.”

A tremor shook the room, followed by a loud boom. For a moment, no one spoke, and then the telephone atop the President’s desk rang. He picked it up. After a brief conversation, he turned back to his advisors. “That was the Director of NASA. The moon has exploded.”

Everyone gasped, and the President sunk back into his chair, a look of resignation on his face. The Chief of Staff stepped forward, placed his hand on his shoulder, and said, “Mr. President, there’s hope. This isn’t the end, at least not for us.”

“What do you mean?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to explain, sir. Air Force One is ready for launch. It’s ready to leave Earth. ”

“Air Force One is a spaceship? When did this happen? Why wasn’t I told?”

“NASA didn’t make the modifications until a few weeks ago, when we received a massive increase in funding.”

“From who?”

“Oprah, Mr. President. She made this possible.”

The President grinned, “That woman is amazing!”

“There’s something else I need to tell you, Mr. President. NASA has located a suitable planet for us to colonize, but it will take us over seven-hundred years to get there.”

“Say that again?”

“We’ll have to be cryogenically frozen. The tanks aboard Air Force One are being filled with liquid nitrogen as we speak.”

The President sighed. “I guess we’d better get going then. You guys go on ahead - I’ll meet you in the car.”

“Thank you, Mr. President,” the Chief of Staff said, and with that, the three advisors left the room. The President rose from his chair and gazed outside at the lawn. The sky had darkened from the spreading lunar debris, and the tremors were worsening. So this is how it all ends, the President thought to himself, and his thoughts turned to the billions of people who would soon perish. Such a waste of humanity, of potential.

His phone rang again. The President turned to leave, but paused at the door, taking a moment to look upon the ringing phone. The last call to the White House. Ever. I wonder who gets that honor? He stepped back to his desk and picked up the phone.

“This is your THIRD and FINAL warning that the factory warranty on your vehicle is about to expire. To be connected to a representative, please press 1 ...”

“OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE!” the president shouted angrily, and then stopped, taking note of the humor of the moment. He chuckled and said, “Then again, what’s there to lose?” He pressed 1 and a female voice answered.

“Sir, may I have your account number?”

“I think there’s been a mistake. I’m the President of the United States, and I don’t drive my own vehicle.”

The voice paused, and then said, “Sir, my records show that you occupy a medium-class planet passing through the D98 sector of your galaxy. Would you like to extend your planet’s five-thousand year warranty?”

Dumbstruck, the President remained silent for a moment, and then asked, “What company do you represent?”

“Sir, I represent Galactic Mitigation Inc. We insure over three million planets, asteroids, and life-bearing cometoids across all regions of the Milky Way.”

“How did you get my number?”

“We’ve been calling every phone number on your planet for the past three years, and you’re the first person who’s responded.”

“All right then,” the President replied. “Do you take Visa?”

“I’m afraid not, sir. We require a valid account number.” The President stood there silently for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then remembered the sheet of Mayan Codex numbers that lay on his desk. He grabbed the sheet and read off the numbers quickly.

“Thank you, sir. Your account number has been verified.”

The President looked outside, and saw the enormous fragments of the moon plummeting to earth. “Uh..I think it may be a little late. We’ve been having some problems lately.”

“Sir, the extended warranty on your planet is retro-active to one-hundred years, and repairs will begin immediately. Of course, as with any warranty, there are some conditions. We don’t cover losses due to nuclear accident, pollution, ozone depletion..,” the representative continued on for another two minutes, citing nearly a hundred conditions requiring proper care and preservation of the planet. “ Sir, do you agree to these conditions?”

The President considered this briefly - of course he would, but what about the other leaders of world? He’d need to gather them together and explain the deal...but he had always been good at that sort of thing. It would take a lot of work, and the rest of his term, but he was sure he could do it.

“I agree,” the President replied, confidently. Within seconds, the tremors stopped, the sky became light again, and a new, silver moon appeared on the horizon, replacing the one that had been destroyed. The President breathed a sigh of relief, and then reached for the telephone to cancel the space launch. For the next four years, he’d be busy enough right here on Earth.


[edit on 11-4-2009 by Flatwoods]

Sheer excellence.

I need say no more.

Oh, what a wonderful hilarious story! I have been laughing throughout reading it!!!

I really got a kick out of your story!!

VERY VERY enjoyable!!!!!!

What a hoot!! You are very funny!!

You have a Great sense of humor!!

S and F!

I laughed so hard I woke up my daughter who is visiting and was asleep! That is so funny that I really hope more people read it. Great job!

Yeah, those people call me all the time about my car warranty....one problem....I haven't had a vehicle now in 6 years. LOL

Yeah, the funniest thing is I got the same phone call as I was finishing writing this story, not five minutes after I wrote the part about the warranty. No joke - it really happened.

Awesome, just awesome.

Star and Flag for your efforts.

GREAT STORY! Laughed my butt off! You actually make me want to start writing again. Thanks for the laugh!

One of the few times when I type LOL, I really did Laugh Out Loud.
Great story!
LC

Oh for Christ's sake! I fell out of my chair from laughing so hard, landed on my dog and she went flying out of the room!

BRAVO!


Slap your butt in jelly and let me spank you! You need an award!

Nice!

Thank you.

I don't get it , where is this humor , where is this laughing uncontrollably coming from?

Not to sound offensive in any means by this , just wish to be filled in on your angle you used .

Am I missing something , maybe the punch line is 2012 is a joke (if not my apologies) , although after re-reading this a second time i still just cant find any humor in any of the story.

Once again , no offense intended by this am just terribly worried I am missing something here .

Thanks good work .

Great writing my friend. I needed a good laugh in these grim times we're in. I pictured in my head the moon blowing up and the chaos that followed. It's stories like these that let me escape from reality. It was a really good read. Well done!

That was amazing, i really enjoyed it.
Was really funny and well written.

To the poster who didnt find any humor in the story, i really dont know what to say...

S&F

[edit on 12-4-2009 by Concept X]

Ah so what was the point of the post?? I'm confused??. Sounds like a waste of time and attention seeking for the ego imho....

reply to post by free_spirit_earth


Look at the forum it was posted in... Titled "Short Stories". Just because it's on the main page doesn't mean it's real official news.
It was posted in that forum for a reason.

[edit on 12-4-2009 by Slash]

Finally...

Something worthwhile to star, flag, and comment on in this godforsaken place!

Great WOrk!

Its good to see somthing diffrerent on the main page for once! I think I might have to llok into this board more often!

ANd as for the no humour and ego tripping.... LOOSEN UP! Laugh in the face of adversity! Everyone at ATS takes everything very seriously (which is agood thing), but every once in a while you gotta let of steam and laugh at your predicaments.

The N.W.O scum can take your job, house, freedom away... but they will never take my laughter!!!

Made me laugh, thanks!

good job flatwoods. great story. had to re-read it halfway through because, like a couple of posters, I didn't realize it was a short story. once I did that, and got inline with it.....excellent.

S+F

Nice work.
Thanks Flatwoods!