“Wolverine: ‘Jon G. Raped and Murdered My Wife’ meets…

the New World Order.”

If there was such a film, it would probably go something like this:

1. A man born in 1845 and into sickness kills his father in a rage not knowing it was his actual father--probably the greatest insult to an aspiring Illuminati inductee--and runs away with his older/big brother, Creed, vowing always to watch each other’s backs (bard produced: strength from sickness, your older brother will save you from big brother--the State--when they come for you).

2. Wars, and lots of them, Wolvie and Creed are back-to-back in all of them--all American wars, and in linear fashion starting with the Civil War, making us aware of the great history of U.S. (UNITED STATES, INCORPORATED 1871)—making it feel great always knowing we were winning, above all (bard produced: isn’t the State great?).

3. Creed finally loses it and turns on his brothers in the Vietnam War, but Wolvie is torn between his brother and the State, (bard produced: the great conundrum, blood or the State?).

4. Wolvie and Creed join an elite fighting force, managed by the State, in search of adamantium, a substance that when refined becomes indestructible (bard produced: the State will always and aggressively look for their one-up).

5. Wolvie gets mad when innocents are killed (bard produced: Anderson Cooper is a crybaby).

6. The State concocts a plan to dupe Wolvie into a secret experiment involving the adamantium, so they kill his unbelievably hot wife (bards produced: the State can convince you of anything. 2. Lynn Collins is hot).

7. Wolvie accepts the State’s offer, goes through a hotdog stand and back to get bonded with the adamantium, but gets angry when the State tries to wipe his memory before he can get tattoos and chase down Creed/Jon G. (bards produced: 1. never answer the phone 2. the State can make all your dreams of revenge come true).

8. Wolvie fights the Blob (a giant fat-man) to get information, to find out where Creed/Jon G. is residing (bard produced: a goofy fighting scene).

9. Wolvie goes to New Orleans to find a man named “Gambit” (a man who knows where Creed is) and orders him to take him there (bard produced: all is fine after Katrina! New Orleans looks great! “Mission Accomplished!”).

10. The island where Creed is a presumably unused nuclear plant, like some abandoned business with a basement just outside of town (bards produced: 1. those giant cones are always pretty when you fly in an airplane towards them 2. get your revenge away from the major populace).

11. Drat! The State tricked you and your wife isn’t really dead but she wasn’t in cahoots-cahoots, only partial cahoots, the State had her sister and were experimenting with her mutant powers on the island, and she’s super-hot too and can turn herself into diamonds (very chic); so Wolvie helps to free her sister and all the other mutants in captivity; none of the captives, despite being super-powered mutants, could pick or smash a lock at a crappy motel to save their lives (bards produced: 1. betrayal cuts deep, when someone you love joins the State, just walk away, unless you hear a scream, then run back 2. hot girls who might kiss are hot 3. freeing Ron Paul supporters is the best thing to do).

12. Deadpool is now "Weapon 11" and has a ton of additional powers provided to him by the State, and obeys orders to kill Wolvie and Creed—who have now settled their difference and are now once again fighting against the State, which they know now is evil (bards produced: 1. the State will always have the one-up on any rebellion, they have been perfecting it for years 2. when you realize your sibling did not rape and murder your wife, you feel better).

13. Wolverine loses his memory and cannot remember if he killed Jon G. but remembers his now dead wife anyway (bard produced: forget the State did all this to you, it is all good, your wife was a diabetic anyway).

14. So in the process of all this weird running around trying to fight everyone, the giant-cones at the nuclear plant are destroyed, pans up at an incredible distance, revealing a striking resemblance to the aerial foot of the Twin Towers days after 9/11 (bard produced: we are all responsible for all 9/11s when we oppose the State).

All in all, it should be an incessantly—nonstop--yammering movie of bad acting and inaccuracies (not true to the comic books). It should be one of the worst movies to be ever viewed…by humans. George Clooney and his nipple-suit will be relieved. Hugh Jackman playing the role of Wolverine would be a terrible choice; he is far too tall for the role and is a fancy-lad to boot. The guy who plays Victor Creed should be a decent Manchurian Candidate for the job. All character should wear normal clothes and look not super-heroy at all.

This would be a terrible film, uniting all the anger and rage you have at the State, all the while blaming yourself for any fight you may want to start with your big brother (sibling) and your other big brother (the State).



[edit on 8-4-2009 by pluckynoonez]

Hmm... It appears you've been thinking just a little too deeply on this.

IRM

I hate Wolverine more than any other current comic character I can think of in regular use. It's difficult for me to articulate just how much I despise this over-used 'Mary Sue'.

reply to post by Merriman Weir


Booo!

This is important! Yes, the movie was terrible! But we are looking at the end of everything here! Contribute or plucky will do something drastic!

plucky