GATES PULLS PLUG ON DEFENSE SPENDING Closing area 51

Government has been forced to pull back on defense spending. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month. At a press conference on Monday Robert Gates announced his new plan to shift resources from costly weapons systems to the ground campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan

Area 51 is a top secret government installation in southern Nevada. It first gained recognition as a secret government testing site in the 1950’s. Since then it is believed to be where the government tests new and alien technologies. Most of the new and alien technology Secretary Gates is cutting is expected to be in Area 51.

According to moles within the Pentagon and several anonymous sources reporters met while drinking in the area, weapons being developed by the government may include:

Aging Ray – Special frequency microwave emitters which dissolve collagen in
the skin causing victims to instantly appear much older.

LactoPack – A wearable cheese powered propulsion system. Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men – Special volunteers from within the US Navy’s seal teams had gills and fins surgically attached to their bodies to aid in tactical maneuverability. Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime – Derived from alien technology this was a Hummer 4 series that could turn into a large anthropomorphic robot. Once it was made self-aware however the robot proved to be self absorbed and irresponsible and cost far more than it was worth. Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Secretary of Defense Gates insists that programs like these are an unnecessary drain on the military budget, and is pulling the plug on all similar research.

Area 51, we here at the Weekly World News wish you a fond farewell. Thanks for the memories.

This According to
weeklyworldnews.com...

So, is the H4 Prime a hikikomori?

I could use a lactopack. My wife loves to buy expensive imported cheese and never eat it.

Get with the program here.

The impending closure of Area 51 has been known for awhile, years in fact. It has already been moved/replaced by another super-secret mlitary facility.

reply to post by roswell1947


Please please tell us you have a source other than theweeklyworldnews.

Area 51 isn't all that secret anylonger. So sure they'll move their operations elsewhere. Somewhere that is actually secretive.

The article is somewhat humorous, but not very.

reply to post by schrodingers dog


I think the entire article was written in jest.
2nd line.

reply to post by Jay-in-AR


You mean there's no wearable cheese powered propulsion system.

Oh the humanity ...

Originally posted by roswell1947


LactoPack – Small, collapsible, but it only ran on expensive imported cheeses.

Gill Men – Unfortunately after the 15 million dollar process they would forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls.

H4 Prime – Efforts have been made to sell the H4 Prime to the Japanese, but currently it refuses to leave its room.

Methinks someone is playing a late April Fools joke. I read through this and literally spat my coffee out laughing at "...forget their assignments and play with inflatable balls".

Please we all know they don't keep anything at area 51 anymore they haven't since the 50's. However with that said they will not close area 51 in our lifetimes.

as long as they can fool the masses in believing that all the secret stuff goes on there it is doing its mission. all the while all the real secret projects are done else where.

I'm afraid not.
Funny thing though, I have a PS2 game called "beyond good and evil"... Decent game. In the game this companion of yours is an inventor who has created "jet boots"... They are powered by contracting your abdominal muscles and using the flatulence for propulsion.

Anyhow, that article kinda' reminded me of that.

I could use a lactopack. My wife loves to buy expensive imported cheese and never eat it.

That's awesome.

I feel ripped off, d***-it. I tried the wearable cheese-powered propulsion system, and I used mozzerella, that stretchy stuff. I jumped off of a high place wearing my cheesey rocket back-pack, like that movie about the rocket man on that farm. But it turned into nothing but a bunjee cord. I mean, I'm not complaining, it saved my life, but I couldn't stop catapulting around, for --hours-- while gapers onlooked. This also explains why I threw away 3 'Mias' from a chain pizza resteraunt, after I got them home, cuz they were so GodAwfull. --Real-- cheese has gone down the bottomless black(budget) rabbit hole, of the military industrial complex.
Jay-in-Ar, where does one get fart-boots? Are they on Ebay? Can I use my PayPal?

[edit on 7-4-2009 by simonecharisse]

Yeah i wouldn't mind to have a lactopac myself i'd even buy the stinky imported cheese to fly around with it. But what i really want is that H4 Prime.

Couldn't you just see it now driving that bad boy to washington and turning it loose on the corrupt reps in congress

reply to post by Seekerof


any source for that move/replacement you stated?

Huh? Where did they move the little grey aliens to? Hmmmmm........Oh, yes, underneath the ground in those massive tunnels and the multi-complex beneath the Denver International Airport. Now those technicians living in those communities will have to travel farther to go to work in those buses and planes. WAIT!! This is an economical disaster! What about those paid tours that some entrepreneurs organize for tourists to go near Area 51 to wait all night long for UFO's to appear? Dang this Obama. He is really screwing up the the U.S and it is going to hell in a hand basket!!!

Edited for spelling. I think that is the one thing I can do for myself to make me feel better.

[edit on 7-4-2009 by kyred]

reply to post by kyred


And the grievious(ist) tragedy of ALL, is that 'The Li'l Ale'in' will close. I will NOT drink to that! Bill Cooper and Norio Hayakowi used to get snockered there, with the likes of Bob Lazar. It'l be akin to dynamite'ing Mount Rushmore. Glen Campbell will become homeless. The only GOOD thing I can imagine, is that poor Art Bell caller, from back in '97, who flew his little airplane into the 51, will come a'walkin out, sayin "Oh Hey dare, du jail door flew open and dare wuz no personnel and guards anywhere, don't'cha know. Wonder if my girlfriend is still up in Nordern Wisconsin, ober by dare, yah?" I'm not worried about the Janet flight having to go allll the way to Denver, cuz gas prices have rock-bottomd, fer now.

Megatron says: "YOU HAD BETTER STOP SQUANDERING TAXPAYER DOLLARS, OR ELSE!"

Yeah, that'd be awesome.

Originally posted by Estharik
any source for that move/replacement you stated?

Sources are always subject to being taken subjectively.

Although JANET flights continue in and out of Area "Homey Airport" 51, that does not necessarily mean or infer that Area 51 is still the location for super-secret testings, etc. Hence, my assertion it has already moved.

As requested: www.abovetopsecret.com...

I apologize if I come off as "Condescending", but this entire subject sounds like a serious joke. To begin with "Area 51" is an extension of the Edwards Flight Test Center, so it could not simply be "Shutdown", it would have to face a BRAC issuance. Not to mention how even the SECDEF has no specific/detailed knowledge of what Operations permeate at that particular Base.

Therefore, this sounds like a complete farce.

With what was listed as being created at area 51 in the OP, I saw the article (or at least post) as being a joke from the start.