My life. My story.

Warning: If you don't want to hear about suicide or alternative lifestyle then this thread isn't for you.

I've decided to give ATS a view from my perspective, from the perspective of a 19 year old 'gay' man. On ATS i've seen 'gays' stereotyped, i've also noticed that when a group of 'gays' does something bad then it automatically is applied that all gays do this. But here is a little about me and my life.

For as long as I can remember I wasn't always quite the same as everyone else, I noticed my attraction to men from a really young age, I would say age 8. At first it was just curiosity, staring at men without thinking about it untill later on, I didn't even know what gay was at that age, I live in Alabama, my parents were extremely religous and conservative and that subject was never brought about.

I surpressed my attraction to guys all through Jr. High. and up untill 9th grade of highschool. I had a friend named Samantha who I met in 7th grade, we were best friends and 2 years later in 9th grade she came out to me as a lesbian on the phone, I was shocked and didn't talk to her for 2 days because of the issues this brought about with my own sexual attractions and frustrations. I finally called her back after 2 days and told her that I was gay, it was great, so freeing and moving to get it off my chest, to have someone I can talk to about absolutely anything now.

Well that year past and it was great to be finally who I was around her, things quickly took a turn for the worst in 10th grade. 10th grade was the first time I fell in love, I never knew someone could will so much power over my emotions, it was love at first sight, and he was all I wanted, but he wasn't out to anyone except to me and a few friends, we talked and I kept falling deeper and deeper in love with him. Then one day he tells me that he can't do this, that their is too much of a stigma attatched to being gay, and that people were starting to look at us funny. But I didn't care because I was madly in love wiht him. He meant everything to me but it just didn't work out.

About a week after that my secret got out, I knew something was up because when I went to school that morning people were looking at me and whispering in the hallway, the anxiety poured over me, I was having cold sweats, shaking, I was worrying myself to death. I got to first period and that's when I started getting harrased. Some were calling me a faggot, others were saying other things that cannot be repeated on the forum.

7th period came and honestly that was the worst day of my life. I played varsity football for my school, I was on my way to weight training and I went into the locker room and thats when things went extremely down hill, "Get the # outta here" "Don't freaking look at me you queer" blah blah blah you get it. They didn't want to change in front of me. It's not like I was going to look anyways they shouldn't have flattered themselves.

So eventually I started skipping classes, and then I would get into trouble on purpose so they would put me in ISS all day so I wouldn't have to deal with the harrasment, then one day I had enough, I was on my way to ISS and their were 3 guys behind me, they were saying they were going to kill me and all this other crap, I ignored them and made my way to ISS.

I got to ISS and it was litterally the worst I had felt emotionally in my entire life, I was on the verge of suicide, I just wanted to end it right their and hurt everyone who had said mean things to me. about 3 hours into iss I got up and asked to go to the bathroom and called my parents on my cell phone, the iss teacher caught me using my cell phone and at that point I was already in tears, he took the phone from me and told me to go to the principles office, next thing I know i'm on the floor throwing a fit and having a panic attack, they call my parents, I told them everything and they were atleast nice enough to withdraw me from school.

The weeks went by and I was miserable, lonely, suicidal and my parents were just plain mean. My dad didn't acknowledge me, and my mom was dissapointed and upset. I started drinking my pain away, I was 16 at this point in time, and eventually I attempted suicide and my parents found me in the bathroom soaked in blood with cuts everywhere, took me to the hospital and put me in a metal institution for 2 months.

I'm not going to cover anymore of my story after that point but it was pretty bad for about 2 years after that.

Now i'm 19 about to be 20 and it's been almost 4 years since where I left off. Things are alot better at home, i'm alot better, I will never attempt suicide ever again, I accepted who I was and so have my parents, more so my mom, my dad just pretends i'm straight. I have a job and I got my GED a couple of years ago, I'm going to college and am getting a degree in political science and I have a whole group of friends that support me.

The sad thing about my story is that this is so common, and almost every gay person that i've met has a story almost identical to mine, the point of this story is to show you that gay people are human to, with emotions, it's not all about sex, it's about love and wanting to be happy and succesful in life, something that every human on Earth wants and that's something that we all have in common.

It angers and frustrates me to be compared to pedofiles, and bestiality and to have someone judge my whole character based on the fact that im gay, being gay is an extremely small part of me, their is so much more to me besides my attraction to the same sex. And that's the message that i'm trying to convey.

If anyone has any questions then I would love to answer them.

[edit on 3/17/2009 by Uniceft17]

I'm glad to know that things are better for you now than they were. I hope you continue to stay strong and stay close to those who understand you and care about you.

I've been a supporter of 'gay rights' from the time I heard there was such a thing, but I think in some ways I was lucky in that 'gay issues' were never discussed in my home and I didn't hear about it at school either.

Consequently, by the time I did find out about this I was fifteen and old enough to know that discrimination against gays was just plain wrong.

I think there is a major problem with people discussing gays in front of their children in that if the parents are prejudiced that prejudice will be ingrained into their kids at a very early age. By the time those kids are old enough to think for themselves, they may find the prejudice is very deep-rooted and hard to overcome.

Even worse if the kid turns out to be gay.

I don't know what the answers are, I used to be hopeful that things were changing for the better, but it seems to have been a two-edged sword. Now it's all out in the open it just gives bigots an excuse to rant in front of their kids whereas before they might have been prepared to keep it quiet.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a word of support. I hope things work out well for you.

Hey, I also never understood why gay people get the stigma crap of "don't look at me"... As if a gay dude just uncontrollably WANTS every guy. I have no idea how that thought process works out.

But I have to say... My best friend is gay, and has been "out" since high school. We are 25 now, and he has never gone through anything you have.
I am sure it all has to do with where a person lives. I mean, people are more accepting when not living in a town of bible-thumpers. Honestly to those of us not involved in that battle, it makes the religious look REALLY bad...

Anyway, glad things are better. You are not alone. Though there are definitely places I think would be hell to live, while gay.. or different in any other way.

I don't have any questions but I would like to let you know that not everybody is like that.
I am not gay but I have alot of gay friends and my first roommates were gay.
I was 15 (try renting an apartment at 15) and they were the only ones who would actually give me a chance.Rent was paid and we all got along just fine.
What you have gone thru is kinda typical for most gay men in my opinion.
Be happy and grow some thick skin...theres nothing wrong with being you and there is always going to be some insecure little people who think harrassing you will hurt you and make themselves feel better while doing it.
Your dad will come around in time i hope...count your blessings...I know people who came out and never talked to their family again.
You are doing fine...realize that.

What a brave and moving story. I grew up in a Lesbian household in the South -- incl. a few years in Birmingham, which were truly the worst -- and understand the extreme social bias that is part if the norm there.

My mother, who still lives in the South, was 21 when she began living as a Lesbian and while she is out in the gay community, she is still 'out to the world' and she's now 60.

Are you out? Dating? Is there any kind of gay community where you live? If so, there may also be some kind of support system in place for young men and women who are still going through the most difficult part of accepting and dealing with their emotions and sexuality and you, I think, would be a wonderful counselor or aid. You may even find some support for yourself too. Just a thought.

Love yourself,
TWISI

I heard from the history channel when they doing a show on the pyramids, and they said that they found burials where two guys/two girls were burried together. So, it seems that guys liking guys/girls with girls was ok back then. So it has been happening since the begining of time probably. I wish our society was as open. I'm sorry for what you went thru.

Originally posted by TheWayISeeIt

Are you out? Dating? Is there any kind of gay community where you live? If so, there may also be some kind of support system in place for young men and women who are still going through the most difficult part of accepting and dealing with their emotions and sexuality and you, I think, would be a wonderful counselor or aid. You may even find some support for yourself too. Just a thought.

Yeah I'm out to pretty much everyone, I don't flaunt it though, but if someone asks im truthful. Yup im dating, my mom is even helping me out with a guy at work in the dating department, didn't think I would ever see the day a few years ago. No their is not gay community around here that I know of, I live in north Alabam and i'm all the way out in the country, in the middle of no where.

reply to post by isa75


Yeah, A long time ago it was pretty open, with the indians and in Rome to I believe. I don't know why it stoped though, i think the reason why the Indians stoped be so open about it is because when the Europeans came to the Americas and saw the kind of alternative life that some of the Indians were living they were slaughtered.

I think the difference between gay and straight people is an issue because people make a point of being gay or straight. Honestly who gives a flying toot. If I want to love women then I will... whether you like or not. Simple as that. I'm not going to publicly announce that I'm straight. I don't see why anyone wants to know... I don't care who you sleep with or who you want to marry. That is your decision that will affect your life, not mine. Have the courtesy to return the favour.

I'm not saying you didn't suffer or anything like that but we all suffer from stereotypes. I have long hair and listen to the heaviest of heavy metal. I've been called gay. I didn't take offense to it. I've been called dirty. I didn't take offense. I've been called a greaseball, an a-hole, a devil worshipper, and scary. Again no offense. I get dirty looks and stared at everywhere I go (pentagrams aren't mainstream apparently ), my response is a smile.

If people want to be ignorant pricks, let them. They're the ones who are mentally unable to cope with themselves and other people's issues. Anyone who is going to judge you isn't worth your time, nor are their insults. None of us is perfect by everyone's standards nor should we strive to be.

Glad to hear you've come to accept yourself, that's the hardest thing any human being can accomplish. Stay happy with who you are and you're set. Kudos for presenting your story in a civil manner as well. As you said your sexual orientation is one piece of the puzzle that is you, it's nothing to get hung up on, by others or you.

Take comfort in knowing there are a lot of us 'straight' folk who have zero issues with 'gay' people. The ones who do are the same ones who think Muslims and Hindus are terrorists, conspiracy theorists are 'crackpots', liberals are pansies, and conservatives are corporate prostitutes. Trust me... their opinions mean very little.

EDIT: My LOL guy turned into a : ) guy...

[edit on 17/3/2009 by Scurvy]

reply to post by Scurvy


Lol, Yep that only added to my problems, I'm a long haired hippy who listens to screamo, heavy metal. All that. It was hard to ignore it though, especially when the criticisms were coming from my own parents.

Oh yeah, I just want to tell everyone that this story isn't even even 1/100th of the whole thing, that part of my life was truly undescribable. But i'm past it and just wanted to share my story and understand other peoples perspectives at the same time.

reply to post by Uniceft17

Hello. I just wanted to say I'm glad that you are with us and I'm sorry that your choices were judged so harshly.

If it makes you feel any better, the ones that say "don't look at me" and all that, are the ones that aren't secure about there own sexuality, just as you had said about yourself when your lesbian friend came out to you. That is the only reason for that kind of behavior, just like children hit others when they want something they don't have.

I just want to ask without getting to personal. You said you began noticing guys around 8 years old. While it is not unheard of for adolescence to become interested in sexual behavior younger then normal, 8 years old is young. I'm just wondering if there was any thing that happened to you, not molestation as I think you covered that, but more like playing doctor or something self exploitive that you remember that excited you in that direction. I find most of the people I talk with who have (please take no offence to this) sexual hang-ups, be it fetishes, fantasies, sexual addiction, etc. have it rooted in their early childhood.

I am not Gay, and to be honest, I don't understand it (Men or Women) only because of the reproductive outcome of it. But, I can also say that I don't believe people can help what orientation they are. You are attracted to who you are attracted to and I believe no matter what someone else wants, you will never be happy till you get what you want. In that I wish you the best and send peace your way for the future.

P.S. Don't go hurting yourself anymore, especially over idiots. Peace friend

Originally posted by letthereaderunderstand
reply to post by Uniceft17

 

Hello. I just wanted to say I'm glad that you are with us and I'm sorry that your choices were judged so harshly.

If you are implying that my sexual preference was a choice then i'm going to have to stop you right there and say it 100% wasn't. I don't see how anyone could choose to be gay, to go through all the crap I went through. The only thing that was a choice was coming out to my friend. But looking back on it I wouldn't change it at all because it made me who I am today.

I just want to ask without getting to personal. You said you began noticing guys around 8 years old. While it is not unheard of for adolescence to become interested in sexual behavior younger then normal, 8 years old is young. I'm just wondering if there was any thing that happened to you, not molestation as I think you covered that, but more like playing doctor or something self exploitive that you remember that excited you in that direction. I find most of the people I talk with who have (please take no offence to this) sexual hang-ups, be it fetishes, fantasies, sexual addiction, etc. have it rooted in their early childhood.

eh? No? I had the average childhood, church, making mud pies, go to school. etc.

I am not Gay, and to be honest, I don't understand it (Men or Women) only because of the reproductive outcome of it. But, I can also say that I don't believe people can help what orientation they are.

You don't understand it because that's the only part you are looking at, if you fell in love with a woman that is sterile would you marry her, even though you wouldn't be able to procreate? See it all has to do with love, not our primal insinct to go make babys, humans are much more complex than that. And i'm glad you feel that way about the sexual orientation part, so many people seem to claim that it is all choice. I just really don't see the logic in that.

I am glad to hear you are doing well. Sometimes in life these things have to happen to show us not to listen to society, and that our mind can be our own worst enemy. If it wasn't this, it would have been something. And when that something happens people can either use it for something positive, and make a sane decision to change the way they look at things, or they can go about it negatively, and lash out and grow a chip on their shoulder - and if they do the second thing then they hurt others much more than they were ever hurt, and the cycle continues.

Thanks for the story, it is a victory for human dignity. I don't have any trouble hanging out with people who I know are gay. Once you are having fun, laughing, enjoying yourself, that is not even near the subject - a mind can only do so much. I think anyone with an alternative lifestyle of any kind has common ground in this way, with gays.

Because what gives "society" the right to set the rules and expectations in the first place? To me this is Lesson Learned, lol. People just want to think they are important. They want to tell you what to do so you can be important like them, only problem is that sort of person will always think they are important no matter what they are doing, or their position in life, or their beliefs, and so on. So it's quite ridiculous.

reply to post by Uniceft17

If you are implying that my sexual preference was a choice then i'm going to have to stop you right there and say it 100% wasn't. I don't see how anyone could choose to be gay, to go through all the crap I went through. The only thing that was a choice was coming out to my friend. But looking back on it I wouldn't change it at all because it made me who I am today

No, I wasn't implying anything other then sexual tendencies in young children are not natural to children, without some outside influence. I know that because, I have issues from my childhood with things I wouldn't of considered abuse and honestly, still don't, but regardless I know it affected me. It took me a long time to recognize it, and I'm still finding areas of my life it has affected. It doesn't take much to make an impression on you when you are a child, and those things or attractions NEVER LEAVE.

In regards to choice, yes it is your choice, just like it is your choice to not be heterosexual. You "made the choice" to come out and proclaim your homosexuality to friends, family, and even this post. You DIDN'T make the choice in who you are attracted too. Like I said before, I know you don't make the choice in who you are attracted too. As far as Love, Love is Love. The only thing that separates relationships is sex, but love that would choose to give it's life for another sees no sex, just love. If that is the kind you are perusing then you can do no wrong and I hope you find your love.

First, you are a human being. Second you are a man. Third, you're gay. The first two are about others, the last is about you. If you live for the first two, it doesn't matter what the third is because the first two will speak for you.

You don't understand it because that's the only part you are looking at, if you fell in love with a woman that is sterile would you marry her, even though you wouldn't be able to procreate? See it all has to do with love, not our primal insinct to go make babys, humans are much more complex than that. And i'm glad you feel that way about the sexual orientation part, so many people seem to claim that it is all choice. I just really don't see the logic in that.

Actually, I don't understand because I'm not Gay. If, I was Gay, it would probably be very apparent to me. Fact is if you stop planting seeds in the ground, you get no more food. It's not a Hate thing or a Morally right or wrong thing, It's how life goes forward, by planting seeds.

I like Gardens, but if I stopped cultivating the soil, all of the beautiful vegetables, squash, Watermelon,lettuce, carrots...on and on would all disappear, that I so much love eating and sharing. Primal instinct would tell me to ran sack the garden and eat everything then forget about it, and you know what, I could do that, but that wouldn't be beneficial to anyone but me.
Some people don't garden, they go to market.

Oh, yeah, I would have to say also that church and the super religious family would count as that impression I was talking about. Can anyone say, "unrealistic pressure!!" For that you have my sincerest regard.

Honestly, I wish you the very best. You seem like a nice enough person and I'm thankful for answering my questions.

Peace to you.

I wish you had lived in Montgomery. We have a huge Gay community... though to be honest it is on the downlow. Yea we have the bible thumping crazies just like everyone else but there are also plenty of people who just don't care what you sleep with. It is about your moral character - not sexual orientation. I hope you can have a better life from this point. Sometimes it is not always easy for a gay or lesbian to stay in their small hometown unfortunately. If you need a friend in Alabama, let me know. I personally did not realize it was considered abnormal until I moved AWAY from Montgomery to hang around gay/lesbian persons. Even in high school I just hung around whomever was fun to hang around. Of course, I might have been considered unusual even then... I just didn't care and kicked *ss of anyone who bothered me or my friends.