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Dumb as a...

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posted on Mar, 13 2009 @ 02:15 PM
I aint opening this door until I'm damn good an ready.
They started this whole thing, not me!
We was just mindin our own business an then... well, maybe I should just start at the beggining.
See, me an my best friend Jimmy was down at the Tow Bar. Now that's the name of the bar we go to after we git done workin on the tractors an combines an mowers all day. All us regulars was there and Ricky was there too. Ricky always makes fun of me at work. He always says things like, "I'm dumber than a box of rocks, or I'm about one sandwich short of a picnic''. I don't really care cause it makes everybody laugh when he says stuff like that an I like it when everybody is happy.
I was tellin a couple of the girls that was there at the Tow Bar about the problems I was havin takin a starter off a Massey Fuergeson tractor (the nuts were stripped) and they was laughin right along with me. (I could'nt believe how hard it was to get those nuts off. Showed em where I'd hurt my hand and everything). Usually girls don't talk to me. Heck, usually they don't even look at me so I was enjoyin all the attention. I thought I heard Ricky doin something behind me but when I looked back he was just lookin down smilin at his beer. I figured maybe he had alot to drink already. Anyways, it was'nt too long after that that Jimmy came over an said we should go. I tried to tell him about the girls laughin at my story but he looked mad about somethin so I figured I'd better just go along. Maybe I could cheer him up! He gave Ricky a bad look as we walked past him on the way out.
We got a couple of blocks away from the Tow Bar and I was tellin Jimmy how much I was lookin forward to Friday night bein as how those girls were startin to like me an all an then Jimmy says,
right outa the blue he says, "You know, how long has it been since we've been up to Black Lake"? He was smilin big as we drove out past the silos an crossed the tracks at the end of town. Then he says "remember all the fun we used to have up there, fishin, an swimin, and drinkin beer? Well, not necessarily in that order... No wait, in that order." Then he laughed at me hard like he was really havin fun an I laughed hard too.
Jimmy is my good friend. Sometimes he says he thinks I'm about "one beer short of a six pack" but I don't care. I think that one's funny too and he don't mean it. My favorite is when he say's I'm ''a few fries short of a happy meal". But I digress. I learned that word off the calender pad I keep by my phone. I try to learn alot of those words, I'm in the D's now, but I just digressed again.
Friday after work we loaded the pickup an went straight up to the lake. Jimmy already had it mostly packed so I threw my fishin pole in the back and we was on our way. The dirt road down to the lake had just as many pot holes as ever but we did'nt get stuck. Jimmy always gets a crazy look on his face and sez he's "an excellent driver." Before you know it we had the tent set up and Jimmy was makin dogs an beans on the fire. We had the entire lake to ourselves! I grabbed a beer outta the cooler and put a few packages of mustard in my shirt pocket. I walked over to the fire and put a hotdog on my bun.
Jimmy was right! It had been too long since we'd been up here. I sat down on the log and watched the fire.
Did you ever notice that you can watch the water or a fire for the longest time and they both can make you feel good? We sat an talked an laughed.
Did you ever notice that food tastes better when you eat it outside?
Just the sound of water lappin against the shore will hold ya too. It was just startin to get dark and I decided to head down to the lake and set up the night lines.
All of a sudden the whole place, an I'm not kiddin ya, the whole place lit up like as bright as day! I could actually see the trees on the otherside of the lake! The whole top of the lake turned like a ripplely white and I could hear some kind of buzzin snappin noise kinda like one of those bug zappers only louder. Then it got quiet. Real quiet.
Then I hear Jimmy hollar out behind me, " What the hell!!! What the hell izzat!?"
I turned around to see a flyin saucer. There ain't no two ways about it. Now I may not be the "sharpest knife in the drawer" but that don't mean my eyes ain't sharp. It was silver an orange and too bright to look right at. It seemed like it had some big Christmas lights flashin around the middle an those lights were just slowly rotatin around. Say what you want but until you seen one you cant really say you saw one. She wobbled a bit but it was basicly just hoverin about a hundred feet over our campfire. Blue light shinin down an everything.
The blue light started to the right of the fire and then it moved left over to where Jimmy was. Jimmy was lookin straight up at it an just kinda went all stiff. When the light got him he dropped his dog and his beer, I noticed that much. They took him up in the light first. I did'nt know whether to spit or cut bait and by the time I thought about runnin they shined the light on me!
You know, usually when you see the aliens grab the guy in the light it looks like he's really scared, but I was'nt. I did quit movin when I got higher than the trees though. Would'nt want 'em to shut the light off right then now would you?"
Next thing I know, when I could see right again, we was sittin on the metal bench in that shiney white curved hall. Jimmy looked like he was really out of it so I just looked down at the screen floor and glanced at him every once in a while. They took Jimmy first. I just sorta stared at the floor while I waited but then I saw a couple little feet walk by goin down that curved hall. Out the corner of my eye I watched em just put his skinny little hand right about there and then the door slid open. Now I know I'm "not the brightest crayon in the box" but I figure what the heck, I'll give it a try. Might as well look around a little instead of just sittin around waitin for something to happen. I walked down the hall. The lights were so bright I had to squint.
When I opened the door there were three of them little guys right there in the middle. The first one was at some kind of light panel. The other two were pretty quick to come over an just stand there an look at me real hard like the boss does when I screw up at work. I don't know why I thought of it right then but I just casually, like I was'nt even thinkin about it, took a mustard packet out of my shirt pocket, opened it, and squirted both of them in the eye's.
Could'nt of missed em bein as thier eye's are so big an all. They look so funny when thier little legs run like that.
I just walked over to the panel while the last one ran out and I started pushin buttons. I probably should'nt have just started pushin buttons but I got lucky on the first one. The first button I pushed gave me a 360 degree view of what was outside . Everything just kinda flipped open from front to back! I could see Jimmy's pickup and our campfire and our coolers down there. I was more careful when I pushed the second button. The second button was more prominent, which means the button stuck out more. I saw that word 'prominent' on my last pad . I digressed again.
The next one made a ball of sparkles come up out of the panel. I touched it quick with one finger and I did'nt get a shock. When I put my hand on this ball our fire turned upsidedown. Instead of bein under my feet now it was up over my head, truck and all! I moved my hand again and our fire was now on the otherside of the lake! It was still upside down. If I move my wrist like this.....
It was about this time I see one of them big eye'd grey guys commin down the hall with a short silver pipe in his long fingered hand. I'm thinkin "whatcha gonna do with that shorty, hit me in the knee cap?
Now it isn't as if I was'nt born yesterday but I thought I was startin to get the hang of this thing and to me it seemed like this one here would be the door button. I closed the door.
I put my hand back on that sparkle ball and I raised us up into the sky until I could see a dim light way out over on the horizon. I pushed us towards it. That little haze of light on the horizon got here really fast. It was like pop! we're here!
Now the Mall sign is on fire and half of it is broken away. It says, " T h e e a t t h e r n M a l l ".
Everything seems to be leanin a bit to the right.
I can see a few cars in back of me, just past the sign. Some of em got thier roof smashed in or thier hood broke open. Most are on fire.
There's broken glass everywhere!
One of the tall parking lot lights looks like it was sliced off half way up.
I can see people running away. Some of em look over thier shoulder at me instead of where they're going.
A few are running towards me.
The mall security vehicle has it's blue lights on and I can see another one of em speedin out from behind the stores.
There are red and blue flashes on cop cars out on the highway an they're headed this way fast.
But I ain't opening this door until I'm damn good and ready!

[edit on 13-3-2009 by miketwosix]

posted on Mar, 13 2009 @ 02:28 PM
I laughed quite a bit while reading it. Good story

posted on Mar, 13 2009 @ 02:36 PM
I needed to smile today...enjoyed this,keep writing!

posted on Mar, 13 2009 @ 02:40 PM
Welcome to ATS and to our humble little writing forum. I enjoyed that and had to smile too

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