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Death is one thing

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posted on Mar, 12 2009 @ 10:05 PM
Being alone is another. Sure death is menacing since we don't have an idea about what is going to happen when we die. It's natural. I have been in dangerous situations before and pondered what would happen but thankfully I am still alive today. But you know what really sucks?

I have had a pretty good life so far. Even with all of the "2012" its the end of the world BS and stupidity that is in the world I still have enjoyed myself. I have always been financially blessed and had a great family that supports me for the most part. Never had to worry about that much when I was brought up and I was very lucky.

Now don't say that I had it easy because I didn't and I still don't. Money isn't the most important thing in the world. Money I guess is a drug. It's something that changes my attention to something else. It hides the fact that I so far have had no luck in the relationship department or that frankly I know of plenty of people who would love to see me dead. I know it's great to think about before you go to bed. Some people have a natural problem with me but then again I don't care about them.

I have had the pleasure of living in the U.S, Algeria and Italy while regularly traveling and seeing the world. Spent some time in Mexico, pre-drug cartel fallout, Argentina, Chile while also getting the chance to stay in England, France and Spain. I would have liked to have spent more time in London though. Lyon and Madrid were a blast. Traveling is great because you actually see how big the world is and how amazing people are.

I know hundreds of people. Friends are friends. I have a few of them that I can rely on with certain things and plenty of people who are cool to hang out with. The social aspect has never been a problem. But friends are friends. They are there when they need you not when you need them. I have relied on myself for the most part when it comes to those things. I work with some great people but I also know that they are just coworkers. Doing the same job that I am. God I know hundreds of women. Some gorgeous, some ugly but nice. But they are just friends and acquaintances.

I used to tell myself that love isn't important right now. I won't go out and embarrass myself just to make myself look "cool". I absolutely hate seeing the showoff guy making himself look like a retard in front of others and the girls always buy it. They buy into the bull# comments and looks and fall straight into the trap. I can see them being miserable. They put on the fake love face when their boys come around but you know they know they made the wrong choice. It happens all the time. Do you know what I would give for someone to support me? to care about me? to love me? maybe talk to at night or someone to really hang out with and look forward to seeing? someone that I could open up to?

Everything. I would give the money away, the prestige, the contacts, the job, the lifestyle just to have someone. I hate being alone. You never get used to being alone. You get used to the depression, anger and aggravation that comes along with it. It gets harder everyday. Especially when you have to deal with the amount of bull# that I have to deal with. Everyone's problems are different. Some people say that I don't make mistakes. I make the ones that nobody see's. They don't know about the stress, threats, anger, frustration, depression and sorrow that I have. They see me. Nice, intelligent, professional. The guy who has no luck with the ladies. I'm not snobby and I don't mess with someone unless they start something.

I don't walk around talking # and threatening to pummel anyone I want. The tough guys are always the same. Once you take them down they aren't that bad. Most people don't have the balls to follow through with what they say. Take it from me. I can count five people who I have had the displeasure of "confronting". It's complicated but in that situation my "opinionated" side (mothers side) comes out and that usually jump starts the conflict.

Someone, I forget, on these forums told me about "karma". I have known about karma for a while but I don't pay attention to it usually. I have said things that I will always regret. I have hurt people that frankly I loved. I have hurt people who deserve the best and they didn't get it. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. Some serious and some small. Just like everyone else. I will always regret it. I will always look back at what I said or did and want to go back in time and kill that version of me. But I can't do that. I have to live with those mistakes.

I can live with them. I have no choice I guess. But karma? do I deserve the sorrow, frustration, anger and depression? While other people, who definitely don't deserve what they have, get everything because of "karma"? That doesn't make sense to me. I try to believe in God (before any of the idiots come flying into the thread to flame the crap out of me I have my beliefs and you have yours. **** off if you have a problem) and want to believe even if the world doesn't I managed to survive at birth and on more recent occasions so I think he might have a plan for me. I am DEFINITELY not that lucky.

What is it going to take? What if there isn't someone out there? I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't want to be the cold person that I am right now. I don't want to have to face everything on my own anymore. I can win a thousand fights. I have had my back against the wall hundreds of times. Somehow I always scrape through. I nearly escape somehow. But every time after that the fight gets tougher. The odds are stacked higher. I used to be a hopeless romantic and some of that still hides inside of me. I used to believe, love and enjoy life. Now I don't. You can ask what is the point? I certainly don't know.

My family can do all they want but they will always just be my family. I love them but they can't help me with my problems. They have tried but it doesn't work. They solve problems differently. Walking alone is horrible. Being alone is absolutely terrible when you see other people in love. I would probably make the perfect asset / hitman. Alone, efficient and invisible.

posted on Mar, 12 2009 @ 10:18 PM
Wow man... Very well written! I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Just hang in there bud, well wishes to you.

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