I used to be able to read people amazingly...I could always 'sense' what was going on, feel when people were sad or scared or cruel or angry or
The last time I remember being like this to any real strength, I was 18, I was beginning work at a camp. I walked by one of the other girls working
there and automatically got this really strong feeling that she was very hopeless, sad, felt really worthless and rejected by a person....and this to
me made me guess something had happened with a boyfriend or close loved one. I had never spoken to her yet, this was the first day of orientation, and
I'm just...really shy.
An hour later I walked into the stairwell of the staff lodge, and she was on the payphone at the bottom. I could hear her telling somebody about the
crap she was going through with her boyfriend and how screwed up she was feeling. She was crying, and basically she said everything that I imagined
she felt from simply walking by her.
I feel badly, I've never used this, I always clam up and don't feel like I am 'allowed' to get close to people despite it. I feel both like I am
invading them somehow and admitting it, if I show any signs of knowing things to the extent that I do, plus I am very automatically self-protective,
and always felt like I would lose control of my emotions in front of the person when I felt something they were feeling. It was always very
overwhelming to get right inside somebody's distress like that. Often, too, when I get nervous I lose touch with it. I can't keep my thoughts clear
enough to make the right words. It's always in the form of passive observation that it is strong and clear unfortunately.
I'm even afraid to really come out and say what I am really thinking to my boyfriend sometimes, i dunno, something just weak about me in that way.
I am more outspoken now than a few years ago, but less empathic. Use it or lose it I guess. I wish I could be the way I was when I was a small child.
Some of the things I caught on to and understood from a young age were just incredible ...to think about now...I'm dumb by comparison these
I also get pre-cog dreams I guess, but I dunno if that is the technical classification. Most frequently about really pointless sh*t I don't need or
care to know but not always...there was a time when I was fascinated with it and wanted to develop it and use it and all that. But it never seemed to
progress or be useful. I discovered from one experience that my attempts to change the course of things just don't work, for one thing. And that I
also can't tell apart the dreams that are showing something that will happen from dreams that are just random dreams. I only recognize them when the
events start to occur.
I've recognized situations beginning, and said word for word what the person was saying right along with them because I knew they would from the
dream, I've known when something was really wrong with my boyfriend and woken up screaming his name to discover the next day something bad had
happened....freaked people out with it, that's about the extent of it lol
What does that all mean, or do for anyone?
I didn't stop anything bad from happening, I didn't get to warn anyone, I didn't learn anything I wouldn't have learned from going through the
situation when it ran its course...
I dunno, I tend to see these things as more like something that happens TO me rather than a gift now.
But I do have faith that there is a purpose for everything, and if I wasn't meant to 'use' any of it so far, it is probably still all the way it is
for a reason...at least I hope