A piece of advice you'll thank me for one day

I am one of the tinfoil hat wearin' conspiracy nutjobs that is preparing for the end of the world and if you are too then I have a small piece of ammo you can put in your arsenal. If you are not one of "us" you can benifit from this too. So stick around.

In preparing for the end of times and whilst waiting to be taken to the local "FEMA disaster centers" I have made some simple preparations
for survival. One of which is baking,(yes, I'm a man) my own bread.
Now, I know there are several bread recipes out there, actually there are more bread recipes than there are days left in your life to try them all.

Allow me to turn you on to the one and only I'll be using.
Listen up fellas. If you do this the way I tell you, Your wife will crap her pants and tell all of her friends the next day at the office how great you are
and don't forget to turn on the baby makin' music when she gets home and catches a whiff of freshly baked bread.
Oh, and it just may save your arse one day too.

Here Goes.

what you'll need.

1. 5 cups of flour bleached or unbleached, I preferr un-bleached.
2. 2 tblsp of active dry yeast. I bought a couple 2lb bags at costco. just in
case.
3. 2 tblsp of sugar.
4. 2 tblsp of vegetable oil.
5. 2 tsp of salt.
6. 2 bread pans, I preferr glass, but metal is ok too.
7. 2 cups of hot water or milk. I preferr whole milk. It is MUCH creamier
and tastier. Water is for survival but definately use milk if avail.

Now, on with the show.

Ok guys,


1.) Mix 2 of the 5 cups of flour (set the other three aside for now)
with all of the other *DRY* ingrediants in a large bowl. Got it?
That wasn't so hard now was it? Let's keep going.

2.) Take your two cups of MILK or water (I'm tellin you milk makes it taste soo much better unless you're Hindu) that you've heated up in the microwave (not too hot or it will kill the yeast, you should still be able to stick your finger in it without getting burned) and dump it in with the dry ingrediants. Mix this together pretty good and let it sit for 10 mins.
This stage is called the sponge. What we are waiting for is the Crap in the bowl to start slightly bubbling. It is a reaction from the yeast releasing C02
which will help the damn thing rise in a bit.

3.) After your ten mins is up, go ahead and dump the rest of your flour (3 cups) in with the sponge and knead it together thouroughly. About 5 mins should do it. You may need a little extra flour on stand by in case it is too sticky. What we are looking for here is to get this blob to feel like your ear lobe. It shouldn't stick to your fingers much when you've got it right.
Lift your shirt and get a couple good handsfull of that fuel tank for your love machine....That's what it should feel like.

4.) Let it sit for 1 hour. Keep it in a bowl and cover it with a towell or your dirty workshirt or underwea.....ok that's gross. Also, make sure it stays warm. I sometimes turn the oven on and sit it on the range to let it get a little extra warmth. Rmember guys, this is your baby. We have to care for it. treat it like you treated your wife on the first date.

5.) Ding, hours up. Now divide it in half. Put each half into your already greased bread pans (what did you think the butter was for?). Make sure you pound them down evenly. All that agression you are feeling towards the NWO...Well nows the time.Punch that motherF....Pretend it is Bush's
face and beat that mother down. This one's for selling out our country you S.O.B.

6.) Wait another hour. That's right. Cover those sweet babies up and wait one more time.Trust me it will be worth it. You will thank me remember.

7.) By now those formerly flat lifeless hunks of dough should be big and puffy and ready to be thrown into the oven which has been preheated to 350 degrees....hasn't it? Now, we take Lil' Bush and Lil' Cheney and throw them into the furnace that they are making sure we bake in one day.

Don't be shy. Kick them in there. You know it's where we are all going to end up. Get your revenge now.

Set that timer for 25 mins.

Ding!!!!!

You will fall in love with yourself after you realise that you did it all by yourself. Now, go turn on that baby makin' music and be prepared for when she walks in the door. You WILL thank me one day.

Sometimes I add 2 tblsp of garlic pepper to the dry mix. God that is good.

If you oven is using gas you should probably rig up your house to accept Gas bottles\canisters as a secondary source instead of relying on the Gas company to keep functioning throughout the Apocalypse.

That way when your existance is reduced to a Mad Max free-for-all lifestyle you can do gas bottle runs in your pickup truck, then hook them up to your house and continue to bake your bread.


(My house is actually fully run off these canisters and has no connection to a gas pipeline)

[edit on 23-2-2009 by Nick_X]

heh good recipe and commentary for the non-cooks out there.

And you may want to look up a recipe and try a honey oatmeal loaf...just don't do what I did the first time I made it. I somehow turned two pages in the recipe book and rolled it out with a roller. It made a chewy but very filling baggette of sorts.

reply to post by outatime


Very entertaining post. In addition to the obvious reasons, I sincerely hope that your worst-case/survival scenario won't ever come to pass, so that you will continue to post your funny man-cook recipes. At the very least, you should make this into a YouTube vid.

"Lift your shirt and get a couple good handsfull of that fuel tank for your love machine....That's what it should feel like." LMAO

I would modify this to account for NO electricity and NO refrigeration....

- Dry milk. Buy LOTS of this. Not cheap but it = milk with water
- Get a propane gas grill. Keep 2-3 20lb filled tanks at hand
- Heat your items in the gas grill (water, milk, whatever)
- Bake your items (LOTS, to maximize fuel usage) in the gas grill
- Protect your propane and other fuels

delius

Cool thread out.

I laughed like crazy with some of your musings and quirks!
I'll try this when I get home.

Breadmaking, the consummate skill. I'm still trying to get it right.

I have a compulsion not to use white flour, and all other flours make your bread turn out like a brick.

One day I'll get it right. I believe everybody should know how to make bread.

Good tips on the gas grill also.

I bake all the time, but obviously dont garner the same type of joy that you do from it. My cookies dont respond well to being beaten to a pulp. Just not their thing I guess.

While we should all learn to bake, we need to learn to bake without the luxury of an indoor oven. Its one thing to make sure the pilot light is on or the electric bill is paid, but in the OP, you mentioned the end of times. Somehow I dont think the local electric company or the gas man will be working then.

Buy yourself a dutch oven. You can find them everywhere, learn to bake in them. Not that hard to do. Simple search with something like, "Baking bread in a dutch oven" should do it. Lots of books out there on dutch ovens as well. These are great, build a fire, get some coals, pour your mixture into the dutchy and place in the coals. Takes a little practice to produce something you actually want to eat, but no more than traditional baking methods.

Also, a good flour recipie is fry bread. Bread fried in oil, easy to make, tastes good and can be made anywhere you have a pot, oil and fire.

S&F!

That was absolutely hillarious. Have you ever thought about writing a cookbook for guys? I can't stop laughing about kicking the breadpans into the oven.

reply to post by salchanra


Over here we refer to them as camp ovens. In a long term camp out situation I find them invaluable. From stews to a roast meal and baking bread they are ideal. My recipie: Half a dozen hand fulls flour, teaspoon sugar, same for yeast and salt:
First kneed, dough should be damp but not sticky, into a warm camp oven it goes near your fire for the first rise, 30 minutes?
2nd kneed may require a dusting of flour every now and then untill dough will `bounce back` damp but not tacky to the touch. Roll in flour and shape into the base of the oven. Scrape out a hollow in your embers and cover the oven. Note embers that are still glowing will burn your loaf, I find if I can just barely place the back of my hand on the embers for a tad then the temp is right. Your loaf will be ready in approx one hr, or when you can smell it. Experimenting and experience is the key, but you will know when you get the mix right when the loaf rises to the oven lid, without lifting it, and your loaf is a golden brown on top.
There have been times when I have had to make do with just flour and yeast, but when youv`e been living on meat,watercress and dough boys for a few weeks anything that remotely resembles bread is a treat!

reply to post by salchanra


Exellent bit of advice. I will most definately look into getting a dutch oven.
I was planning on trying my Gas grill since it is basically the same thing but, what to do when the propane runs out?
So, dutch oven it is.

I will paint lettering on the side.

This is my
N ice
W onderfull
O ven

Don't resist it.

gooood!
but in my case i have two traditional oven in my grandparents vilages.
+all the necessary ingredients are in abundance there.
My conclusion?
People will be decentralising sooon..

Nice post though!

ooooo. thanks for the bread recipes guys! been wanting to test the bread waters this winter. thanks for the "bounce back" head's up and other pointers.