No, I went through the same thing when I declared myself "athiest" (which was a misnomer, I believe there HAS to be a god now, but there's no
heaven or hell blah blah, I believe in reincarnation)...anyways...I know exactly this feeling, or something close to it.
With me when I first left church (even though I was very young) I'd tell myself "there is no god" then immediately say "sorry god if you are
there" heh...until finally I got used to just believing their wasn't...all I really did was change my beliefs though...and I do believe there must
be a creator or purpose.
So moving towards the point, what I think you're experiencing, is that "Drag" that pulls on you, when you've not been getting the preacher's
works on you constantly.
It seems to me that the initial feeling you have with religion is the same as with santa clause, but as soon as you learn santa isn't real christmas
is never as "magical" and as soon as you learn that your religion may not be solid, i.e. you think a tad bit differently no matter how much
differently, you feel that religion isn't strong in you anymore.
Anyways...God is God, if he did design us directly, as the christian faith believes, he'd not have given us free will.
Evil exists because man can make choices that other men do not like.
God is nature, all of creation, and Suns, galaxies, planets, rocks, trees, birds, none of these things, are evil in ANY way.
So I doubt anything would haunt you, if you think there's a heaven, then the way to get to it would be to not suffer, and to spread that
non-suffering to everyone you can.
The idea that you have to accept a person who was born by a mortal whore, as god, to get to heaven, is one of the greatest farses in history (well
that's MY opinion any ways
As for your skeptic attitude, maybe you should just be with god for a while and sort things out on your own.
I find it in nature, the heavens, too vast and gorgeous to not be godly, the forests, too old to not be respected, the mountains, too large to be
ignored...wind, the voice for all living things without one.
In that I find not an answer but the question "why is any of it here" and though God is not the answer, he's the "Cause".
And so if you think he'd punish you because you sought YOUR own beliefs, which he gave you the right to do, and those beliefs dn't cause you or
others to suffer, than I'd gladly help you and satan fight in hell against him.
Really though, if you ask me, there is no such thing as salvation, only life, and we must have morals and do good, for our own dignity and benefit and
our very own soul, not to get into heaven. But mostly for our soul, believing we live many lives, I think our live's effects on our soul last
through all our existance, and so if you cause much suffering (evil, immorality what not) then your soul and everyone's soul affected, begins to be
scarred by suffering.
So in effect, an existance wrought with suffering is hell, and an existance void of it, is heaven, all the while though we live and die and live
So make your life a heaven, remember, if you're judged for bringing heaven to earth then you have the right to # god up the a$s, because nothing in
this universe deserves to be judged for doing what is good for while we live.
Oh well that's the way I answered my initial withdrawls, if you truly find yourself skeptical, I wouldn't be surprised that after a few years
you'll not be so "fearful" anymore, and begin to reason out what happens to you when you die, on your own. Without the aid of a preacher, or a
If you're not truly skeptical, then this has been a phase and sometime soon you'll be some "born again" and believe all that fire and brimstone
But think of this next time you're in church.
How can there exist a heaven, when there is a hell? Where ever there is suffering nothing can truly be "heaven" and no one in heaven can escape
hell's consuming hate and suffering.
The very idea that there is a heaven//hell ignores any possibilities in between, and in the fullest sense, any statement with a slight bit of falsity
in it, is false, so any heaven with a slight bit of hell in it, is hell, just like those who've never felt pain, feel it the hardest, those who've
never suffered (heaven) would feel the mere existance of hell as if all heavenly people were on the cross.
Think about it...how can there be a heaven if there is ANY suffering anywhere? Heaven is an absolute, just as hell is, but hell is where there is no
hope, we already know you can be tossed out of heaven to hell, but you can never get out...so hell is the final ultimate, and what is final, is
This is why I don't believe in any of it, suffering and bliss are gradational, you can have some suffering, but more happiness than not, and so be
mildly "enlightened" and such, but so long as you shift there's always hope, even for those who've known ONLY suffering pain and misery, there's
hope that that will end...so I don't think God cares, he is a creator//creation, not a judge, we suffer or don't by our own accord.
So I would say you have nothing to fear
Woo wee this has been a long post, but such are posts where I am unsure exactly what I want to say, and how I wish to say it.