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A molester kept secret.

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posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 01:24 PM
This is a very touchy subject and I really need some advice on how to handle this situation. FYI-my daughter is in 3rd grade.

Last Monday My daughter informed me of some things that were being said around the playground during recess. She was concerned that her best friend was being treated unfairly by other students and approached another little girl for advice on how to handle the situation. The girl told My daughter to stay away from this certain friend because She was touched inappropriately by my daughters friend and the friend made her have sex with her. My daughter came to me extremely upset and told me what was said. Since My daughter was invited on a sleepover for her best friends birthday I was concerned by what I heard. I paid a visit to the girls Mom and told Her what I had heard and why it was important that I know if it was true. The Mom told me that not only was everything true it happened over a period of about 1 yr and there was another little girl also being molested by the 'best friend'. The mom sat down with the school principal, teachers, CPS, school counselors and the local police and the bestfriends family to handle this situation and to bring this to everyones attention. The mom informed the principal concerning other kids that may be in danger because of hanging out with this bestfriend. The school was given a list of names of children who hang out with this bestfriend on a regular basis and said they would contact everyones parents who were on the list to make sure everyone was kept safe. This was 2 months ago and none of the parents were alerted of the potential danger of having this bestfriend left alone with other children. I dont want this bestfriends life ruined, she is just a child herself but I feel the school has an obligation to inform parents of this danger. Ive already informed the parents of the other little girl invited for the sleepover as to what happened but isnt the school responsible for alerting everyone? How do i handle My complaint to the school? Any and all advice is welcome.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 01:29 PM
You phone CPS and the Police.

Because that child learned that somewhere, and that somewhere is probably at home.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 01:34 PM
You did well, these parasites need to be exterminated. Do not think that this will go away, take it by the horns and dont let go.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 01:50 PM
Ok I might get flamed but i am going to try to look at it from another angle.
If its a little girl 7 yrs old then I see why it is a secret.
Why ruin her life or scar her for expirementing.Why label a 7 yr old as a molester...wait til she is 15 or 16 then look at her.
The other girl could have been a willing particpant and lied out of humiliation.
When I was that age I had girlfriends and we got naked and touched each wasn't forced either.It was almost accidental in that we didn't know at the time but were curious and it happened and we enjoyed it and kept letting it happen.I am a guy btw.

I am having a hard time thinking of a seven yr old as a molester or rapist so am coming up with an alternative theory.
The other girl could have just left...I doubt it was forced.
I don't know the details so I am shooting from the hip.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 01:55 PM
reply to post by DrumsRfun

I was thinking of the same thing. When does childish curiousity and experimentation cross the line into molesting? Children experiment sexually. If there was a huge age difference between the two, or if it were forced, then I would have a problem.

I don't know if this is the case here, but where does the line get drawn? These are such young children, I doubt if they know what they are doing is frowned upon so much?

I can remember many a pajama party as a youngster and sexual curiosity was the main event. I can rememeber experimenting with cousins, and friends at that young age. If we were caught then, what would have happened? I would wager not much. Young boys see their first girly magazines. It is a curiousity at that age and it's natural.

I would like to add if you feel your daughter could possibly be a victim to something more than childish curiousity, then I would keep her away from this girl.

[edit on 23-2-2009 by virraszto]

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 02:10 PM
I don't know how old 3rd grade is but when i was a kid in junior school which is about the same age i think we used to experiment in all sorts of ways many of which are highly embarrassing in retrospect! Her parents probably aren't at fault, it's just human biology and inquisitiveness -she more likely learnt if from late night television, news papers, conversation, adverts -children are VERY perceptive and sometimes an inability to talk about certain things can lead to a deep fascination.

So don't go in gunz blazing calling everyone parasites and filth just yet...

Your child should know how to maintain appropriate boundaries amongst her peers, this is a VITAL life skill, if her friend tries to force her into something she doesn't want to do she should know how to say no -if she doesn't learn now then later in life she'll have some real problem hehe she'll be a brainless sheeple obeying her government like everyone else.

Seriously though, over reacting to this issue could well be the catalyst which starts the unstoppable chemical reaction. Her school and the health care professional probably know this all to well which is why they have tried to keep everything low key, complex situations like this can easily snowball when treated over zealously while when all but ignored they often fix themselves.

Although don't get me wrong, i'm not saying ignore this -have an open and frank discussion with your daughter about the issues involved and make sure she knows useful techniques for dealing with peer pressure and coercion. If your daughter still wants to be friends with this girl, and there is no reason she shouldn't beside personal preference, then have a long and even franker talk with the parents to better understand what's happening and to make sure should your daughter visit their house she will be safe, Then as an extra safety measure make sure she has a mobile phone on her and knows to call you and you will drive right round should she need you.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 02:14 PM
There is a distinct difference between consentual interest and experimenting, and a child who is consistently sexually targetting other children.

The school is not to blame, nor is it their responsibility. They cannot do what you are asking for them to do. It would likely be highly illegal for them to do so.

Children who are sexually targetting other children are likely being sexually abused. Please call CPS.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 03:29 PM
Okay, i need to add some more info here. That was just a quick post before I got the kids from school.

The 'bestfriend's mother is in jail for about 18 months now. Her father is not in the picture and the maternal gmom has custody of the bestfriend and her baby brother. The gmom just lost custody of a 3rd child but I dont know why.

This all came to light when the bestfriend and another girl spent the nite at the girls house(the one who got molested). They were in the next room and the Mom heard the BF saying some sexual stuff to her daughter. She called the police and took the BF home and told the gmom. the gmom is the one having another sleep over. Not only did her mom hear the BF say stuff and find them naked there was another girl in the room who witnessed it all. The girl who had the sleep over also witnessed the BF abuse someone else. The BF had been molesting both girls for over a year. CPS is involved. This wasnt innocent. Id love to think so too, but it wasnt.

again, CPS has been involved and its not illegal for the school to notify the parents, ive checked that out too.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 03:38 PM
I have to add this. My daughter will NEVER go to this BF house, ever. I explained everything to My daughter in detail and she assured Me she was never touched or hurt in any way. The BF is not allowed at Our house just to make sure there are no opportunistic times for such behavior. They can play at school and we can go out and do things together in public. I told My girl she can remain friends with her as long as she feels comfortable doing so. I also explained that this BF was probably abused herself and thats why she did what she did. It's wrong but the BF just doesnt know better i told her.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 03:53 PM
I find it quite amusing that when children "play doctor" nowdays this involves huge amounts of people and agencies. Tempers flair, reports are filed, counseling starts, satelites are rerouted, schools are notified, laws are made and children are interrogated. Maybe parents should talk with eachother a bit, huh?

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 03:58 PM
Can you imagine if a school principal could make this decision? Bad stuff would happen for sure. They do not have the training for this.

If mom is in jail, and gmom has already had a child taken away you can be assured that the adults in this child's life make BAD decisions. One of those bad decisions has probably been to allow a sexual predator use their children, complicit or just through sheer stupidity and unwillingness to be reasonable in their pick of people to interact with these children.

I would suggest that you do be okay with the child having play time at your house, after the child has gotten some help. Where you can supervise the situation.

Your child should certainly NEVER go over to their house. The adults are poor decision makers.

Normalcy is probably needed in this child's life. Seeing normal families doing normal things in a normal enviroment. You can have your guard up, and still be someone who steps up to the situation.

[edit on 2009/2/23 by Aeons]

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 04:01 PM
A child who is acting in a sexually aggressive manner is not "playing doctor."

There is a distinct difference between a child being curious, and this. Get your head our of the sand.

Originally posted by earthman4
I find it quite amusing that when children "play doctor" nowdays this involves huge amounts of people and agencies. Tempers flair, reports are filed, counseling starts, satelites are rerouted, schools are notified, laws are made and children are interrogated. Maybe parents should talk with eachother a bit, huh?

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 04:01 PM
This wasnt just playing doctor, there was penetration involved. My question is isnt it the schools responsibilty to protect the other children?

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 04:06 PM
reply to post by Demetre

Well, where I am from the boyfriend gets the old irish toothbrush...with my steeltoe boots.
Keep all children away and do everything you can to.
Its the parents who need to protect the children not the schools.

[edit on 23-2-2009 by DrumsRfun]

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 04:15 PM
reply to post by Demetre

It is not the school's place to do anything but listen to you and perhaps to give you some options. They risk significant civil legal risk were they to advise you to take some action.

I would absolutely contact CPS. They are obligated to follow-up on any reported claim and it is a confidential matter.

The family sounds like a disaster and I would not allow my kids to play with or associate with any member of the family. Tough, but I would put maximum distance between my family and these folks.

It sounds like a family where abuse takes place on a regular basis. While that does not mean that the kids were not "experimenting", it does significantly increase the probability of abuse, rather than kids being curious. Victims of abuse are the most likely people to abuse and that is a fact.

Bottom-line is that I would have absolutely nothing to do with this family, not have my daughter play with this girl and take those actions to protect her. I would contact CPS and hope they took appropriate action and protected all of the children involved and pursued criminal activity.

While I am sorry about the other children in this awful scenario, and it sounds like you are as well, they are not your problem.

It will be a difficult conversation to have with your daughter, but it is one you need to have.

Good luck

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 05:31 PM
After the children have some help, you can probably have the girl over for you to supervise playdates.

Stigmatizing will not help, these children OR your children.

There is a middle ground for safety.

The adults are very bad decision makers. This is probably why the children have been abused.

These children need to see real families acting in a normal way in a normal supervised environment. You can do that while still setting up normalized but supervised boundaries.

A child is malleable. They can easily learn new and different ways. These are not lifelong harden criminals - though they've probably been fed to these predators.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 07:42 PM
reply to post by Demetre

hehe your school's version of playing doctors seems to be a lot tamer than my school

My head spins that the police were called on a 7? year old girl! Did they take her down the station and swab her, book her in to the sex offender list? Scary, poor girl's confused and no one is making her life any simpler.

Please, please can people have some restraint when pointing the molester accusation - it doesn't help anyone, not everyone that experiments sexually was molested and if her addled little mind start to fixate on the idea she is a 'sexual victim' it's going to seriously hinder her development both mental, social and sexual.

You no doubt think it is far to early for her to think about sex but alas society bombards her day and night with images and storys all centered on sexual desire -not just adverts, television and media but most areas of life weather subtle or not sex it a central subject - plus of course human biology and inquisitiveness play part -romeo and juliet were only 13 years old remember, historically mariage and the hunnymoon was common by 12 years old. It's not impossible that this was #fairly# innocent.

From the little we know of her parents it seems she has lived a hard life, this could well be a call for attention - she should be given every chance to get the attention without going too far, instead of acting like she's the devil someone should listen to her and help her work out her issues, then she should understand that she can't cross certain lines if she wants to survive within society.

If an adult was in the next room then the friend being 'molested' #could# have called out for help, i don't want to go all biblical and stone rape victims for not calling out (Lev) but maybe when questioned about her part in this 'lurid act' she decided it was best to act the total victim -kids are like this, hehe i remember as a wee nipper me and my friend getting in trouble for calling those dirty lines you see advertised in the back of the local news paper -when questioned i admitted that i had let my friend use the phone -haha kids don't like being in trouble, i no doubt cryied and pleeded to get out of the punishment too (but didn't) AND pretended i felt really bad and was bullied into by my manipulative friend!

Again, i should say i don't know enough to pass judgment nor could anyone but these things are never as clear cut as they may seem, i highly doubt a seven year old is able to be a child molester but something unapropriate did occur and as a mother it's your duty to make sure your children are safe, just try to make sure you don't mess up your kids head while doing it.

meh, the pessimist in me says it's too late CPS will force her through all manor of institutional hurdles and she'll probably end up in an awful carehome or some crazy foster home addicted to a string of pharmasuticals prescribed to fix her spiraling behavior problems,until she's kicked out on the world with no real family ties, a deep resentment to the world and a hunger for a quick fix emotional cure such as cheep sex or strong drugs. meh, she'll live a pained and seemingly pointless life stuck in te slum cycle.

posted on Feb, 23 2009 @ 08:39 PM
I don't know what the answer is, but I'm pretty sure that the term, "playing doctor" was not about teenagers experimenting sexually.
It was little kids exploring.
SOME exploration is natural.

But, if a kid is trying to have sex with another kid, actually having sex, that is a different matter, because the child probably learned it from an adult.
Then it becomes a two-fold situation, and the source of the situation must be found.

posted on Feb, 24 2009 @ 11:34 AM
Most pedophiles and many sexual predators start showing signs and acting out on other children. Many pedophiles target their first victims when they (the pedophile) are between 11-13.

That means that by the time most people get past this "oh, they are just kids playing around" stupidity like you see here and they get caught at the earlist in their 20s they've been preying on children for at least a decade.

Because parents and grandparents are so clueless and excuse it as "playing doctor" or "experimenting" or some other bs, the window of opportunity to help these people fix their problem closes. Usually for good.

That's right - there is a difference between knowing that children are growing into their sexuality, and blatantly ignoring a sexually inappropriate child's behaviour and FAILING as a parent and adult to help them. Because you have your own stupid hang-ups.

Because of people, like the people on this thread, ignore clear warning signs children don't get the help they need. You can have empathy and compassion, good judgement, AND STILL DO THE RIGHT THING. They aren't mutually exclusive conditions.

[edit on 2009/2/24 by Aeons]

posted on Feb, 24 2009 @ 05:53 PM
Well, this is my plan. I will allow my daughter to play with her at school and I will even take them out to places like the mall or out to lunch. My daughter will never be allowed at her house, to go anywhere with the girl or the girls custodians. I am going to call the school and tell them how irresponsible i think they are. Yes, i know, legally they cant say or do anything about the situation and that their hands are tied but I feel the need to express My concern over the present policy of 'do nothing and maybe it will go away'. I am going to call CPS and inform them of the situation at hand and that other children are being invited over to spend the nite when noone knows if its safe or not. and I called the parent of the other little girl who was invited to the sleepover and informed them of the situation. BTW, why is this idiot gmom allowing a sleepover in the first place? If I were her I wouldnt want to put my gchild, other kids or myself in that situation??

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