it has been 8 months and i am still not over my wife leaving

i thought i was for a spell. felt a little better but anymore i just feel like complete crap. i just want her back and i want things the way they used to be. i miss her and i am convinced i am never going to find anyone that made me as happy as she did.
why does life have to be so damn tough? it really sucks sometimes and this is definately one of those times.

I am truly sorry for the pain that you are experiencing! I don't think that there are any words that I can say that will make you feel better. Have you tried to get her back? Do you think that there is any hope of getting her back? The only reason that I ask is this...if you have tried and after all this time she refuses to give you another chance, then maybe you should close that chapter of your life and try to move on. I know that is easy for me to say, I am not in your shoes, but out of concern for you, you must realize that it isn't good for you to remain so stressed and upset. I hope that things work out for you and please take care of yourself!

reply to post by thing fish



Hello to you! First let me say "How sorry I am". I have had loses in my lifetime and yes, they do hurt, but I have always found them to have a lesson.

Are you able to talk with your wife? If so maybe the two of you can work things out. If not you do need to go one with your life (I know that is easy for me to say) but I have learned if we keep busy and keep going on life has a way of getting right again.

Just my two cents worth!


Peace to you,
Grandma

We're both guys so is it safe to say we look at things differently from how women may?! If you are feeling like it is a problem that needs fixing then mabe there is hope.

First, Did she leave for any given reason or excuse? If it was something in her or something she did then there isn't much you can do to change your stars but to realize that and then make a difficult choice of two, even more difficult, choices. Either find help in family, hotlines and friendship or end your life by wollowing in pain, misory and finally death, whether it's tomorrow or twenty years from tomorrow. If she cheated and just fell out of love then there's nothing to do.

If it was something you did then there is hope she may forgive you and accept you back. For forgiveness to occur you must reconcile your past, if any, and proove to her your understanding of your transgressions. You must be able to tell her why, what you did or said was wrong and then show her that you have begun to change. See a counselor and concentrate hard on becoming the person that you would want for her to be in love with. Find inner peace and then show her your inner peace. If she is a good and wholesome person your chances have gone from zero to 50% that she'll come back. By the grace of God, He will give you both what is best for you but if you both can walk back into or even away from your relationship with only love in your hearts then you will both be fine and able to live with 100%.

This is it in a nut shell. Either way you look at it, your journey starts with you making the first steps, you changing, your decisions/choices, you struggling or you giving up.

Just do the world one favor please? Just this one favor. If you do give up, if you decide to end your life, please... please... don't take anyone with you. I beg you... if you go postal, please... skip to the end and just kill yourself. However, if you decide to live, please let someone help you. If not family or friends, use this link to help.

Without the backstory, a bit hard to know what to say...

Do you (honestly) think there is a chance of her coming back?
Do you know what you (or she) did to make her leave?

If you really don't think she's coming back (you know...just whether you know you know...), then here's the thing:

and i am convinced i am never going to find anyone that made me as happy as she did.

This is exactly why you aren't over it... Until you can admit that you will love again...it's self-defeating...

All we can do is advise...decisions are in your hands...

If you do give up, if you decide to end your life, please... please... don't take anyone with you. I beg you

You know, I don't care what religion someone is, but I just have to say that there is something against whatever divinity you espouse that clearly screams that suicide is wrong... I don't mean as a "sin" or any such paultry thing...but that it is a crime against the Universe, and I can only imagine the consequences to one's soul/being, no matter what your beliefs... Just don't do it...nothing's worth that...

Hey Bro!
Life can throw it's curve balls. Goodness knows.
The difference between a man and a GREAT man are how he deals with the garbage thrown at him.
Do you think no one has felt what you are feeling?
I have.
Do you believe that you can't get past the BS?
You can. I know, as I've been there/done that.

Does it stink?
Yes it absolutely sucks.

Does it get better?
You bet it does, and when you finally dig out of the hole, you feel like the king of the world.

You can't change the past. If you figure out a way to do that, then let me know!!!!

The future is exactly what you want to make it. You're not the first, and not the last to feel like you do. Do your thing and just be yourself. Life is funny. It will leave you as nothing more than a vague remembrance where people say "Who? That name rings a bell."
But the better thing is that life will offer the chance to hurdle obstacles and people will say "I can't believe the S--- that he went through. I want to be like him!!"

A wounded dog will go under his porch and lick his wounds. One type of dog will simply give up, die, and smell of a rotting corpse. The other type of dog comes out from beneath that porch, emblazoned in his scars, loving the life around him. Tougher, and wiser than he previously was.

Which are you?

I put my money on the latter.

reply to post by Gazrok

I don't care what religion someone is, but I just have to say that there is something against whatever divinity you espouse that clearly screams that suicide is wrong... I don't mean as a "sin" or any such paultry thing...but that it is a crime against the Universe, and I can only imagine the consequences to one's soul/being, no matter what your beliefs... Just don't do it...nothing's worth that...

I agree with this point of view. I was raised Catholic but choose to be only spirtual. I believe in an order to the universe (not so much balance) and that by killing ones self is to deminish any path they may take after that.

Seek help at every turn. Fight for life all the time. Never give up. Never surrender. But if you do... exit this existence as you have entered it, alone. For many reasons it's wrong but, then again, there are many levels of wrong just as there are many shades of gray.

reply to post by thing fish


Sorry to say this,but you have a way to go.
Three years later and I still have vivid dreams about breaking up with my ex..and it's still as painful as ever.

As Lombozo said,it's not so much what you feel,but how you deal with it in day to day life.
Sometimes there's nothing I'd like to do better than lie in bed feeling sorry for myself,but instead have to put on a brave face and get moving anyway.

If I remember right you're a musician too.. It's a fantastic therapy..

(unfortunately it was also the main cause of my break up too .DOH!)

Just put your stage face on.

Have you tried talking to her at all? You never know what will happen, maybe she's feeling the same way, who knows.

But if there is no chance, then "maybe" you should burn all photos of her!
Sounds crazy I know, but I bet if you were starting to feel better, and you suddenly see a picture of you and her all happy, your happy feeling will diappear for a long time. So it could help.

I'm not a professinal, just taking guesses here.

Good luck, life is about change, about how we learn from our experiences, and how we can look to the unlimted possibilites we have in the future, and how we can make a future we want from what we have learnt.

Peace.

[edit on 23-2-2009 by _Phoenix_]

If there is no chance of you getting back together,you`ll have a bit of struggling ahead. It will be hard and painful - you will have to go on for a while feeling like your inside is dying.

but I swear it will get better. the pain gets less and you get to the point where there is no more sadness. i guarantee you, you will be happy again - even if you think that is impossible right now.

everything will work out for you at the end and you will understand why life decided to choose that way for you.

and remember there are millions and millions of people in the world right now feeling exactly as you do. there are also millions and millions of people out there that went through all of that and even worse and also made it and are happy again.

i'm never going to get over her. we now have the strangest relationship ever. i stay the night over there maybe 2 times a week. we have dinner together and watch a movie. we even sleep in the same bed. there is no intamacy there, just friendship...thing is i want it to be back the way it was and she does not. i love going over there and being with her and being with my dog but i always crash when i get back home.
i swear i lose my will to live and then when i am over there with her it's like things are all better again.

part of me feels like i need to sever all ties with her and the other part wants to take her whatever way i can get her.
it is making me suicidal though. it really is. i have been laying in bed for hours thinking of how to do it.

about the music thing, yeah, i used to tap the strings but i have not played in what seems like forever. the guitar just sits there collecting dust. matter of fact just a few days ago i gave the ex my acoustic

Hi thing fish,

From reading your posts it seems to me that your ex-wife is holding all the cards. You obviously haven't done anything bad to her or she wouldn't want you near her, never mind spending a couple of nights a week with her and sleeping in the same bed.

I just think that maybe you aren't giving her the chance to miss you. If she is still in contact with you, she still cares for you to some degree (I don't know your relationship so can't say any more than that!) You seem to be dancing to her tune... if you tried to maybe not see her for a week or two then you would be more likely to know one way or the other how she feels. She knows if she rings, you are there or if she wants company, you'll go over. Maybe try not to be so available and it might make her realise she does actually want to be with you again. I know with you still having strong feelings for her it will be hard, but it's hard for you anyway just seeing her a couple of nights a week.

I could be completely wrong about the situation, but living the way you are isn't making you happy (I've just read your other thread about feeling suicidal), so maybe it's worth trying another approach?

By the way, you said you have a child but feel you can't offer him anything... Just to know that his Dad is there for him and loves him is enough. Doesn't matter if you don't live with him at the moment, as long as he knows you are there when he needs you. Kids might like material things but as an adult looking back on my childhood, it was the things that DIDN'T cost money that I remember the most.

reply to post by thing fish


I had no idea... this game being played can only end bad. Natterjax is partially correct here. She holds all the cards in your relationship because you have given them to her. She realizes she can "eat the cake and have it too" but you don't know where you stand. The thing is... we have nothing to go on here. What is the reason for the breakup? Who's fault is it? Hers? Yours? Is she getting even for something you did or she thinks you did? Or, does she realize the power she has over you and taking advantage?

What he isn't so correct about is how to play the game. Sorry Natterjax! You NEED to talk to her. You both need to understand the reasons for you current positions in your relationships. Anything less is torture for all three of you. Don't just hear eachother; listen to eachother. Listen, listen and listen more. Listen until you understand. Repeat back what she tells you but in your own words to confirm, for hers and your bennefit, what she means and then vise versa. It will take a few talks but it's worth it. Take notes to show her you are trying and encourge her to do the same. You NEED to communicate. You MUST communicate. Hope is there. You have more hope than not. You both can win here but you must BOTH be proactive. This problem won't fix itself. You must and you can. Do you know how I know? I know because you fixed it once before. You fixed it when you two first met and fell in love. Otherwise you never would have made it this far.

[edit on 24-2-2009 by MichJJC]

You gotta cut all ties and allow yourself room to heal....you going over there and doing what you are doing is only keeping an open wound open and raw. She is screwing with your mind it would seem.


Make a decision one way or the other. If you care for her that much then tell her how you feel and see what happenes. If she says she isnt interested then remove yourself from her entirely. No phone calls, no visits, no laying around together. Dont do it. You are torturing yourself.

And I almost laughed after reading your title. Eight months? Please. It took me five years to recover from my last one. Hard and painful years. Every range of sadness and morbidity imagineable. For days on end I thought that I would literally die.

And then what do ya know, days started getting easier, life started getting better, and I began functioning and coping without her. Days would pass and I wouldnt even think of the past. I started feeling like myself again and I started to feel alive.

My advice bro, move on. Pick your pride and your manhood up off of the floor and just move on. Cut ties and dont look back. It will take a while for you to come to terms but nothing and nobody is worth losing your sanity or your life.

After a year or two you will see a marked difference. Go out and get laid, get a hobby, find some friends and get out there. Being a loner after a divorce is punishment to yourself. Be around people, get out there and force yourself to have some fun. Give of yourself, help out with kids or old people or at an animal shelter. By doing good things you will help heal yourself.

Two years ago I would have never believed I would ever get over my ex. Now I cant believe how I could have wasted so much time on her. I shudder to think of how severe it all seemed to me and at what extreme lengths I almost went to as a result. I know it seems like things will never get better right now, but Im here to tell you they will. I wouldnt trade my current life and the people I have in it now for what I had back then for anything in the world.

It sounds like a stupid cliche, and Im not much for any kind of Hallmark sentiments, but life will go on and your life and happiness belong to noone but you. But if you want to move on and have a life you have to make a choice to do so. Continuing on in that wierd ass situation you have going right now will lead to nothing but more heartache than you are entitled to.

Good luck :w:

[edit on 2/24/09 by BlackOps719]

There are three sides to the story of any relationship.

There is her side of the story which none of us have heard and probably won't. Not because she is mean or sadistic but because she probably isn't on ATS or BTS.

There is his side of the story which we can count on always being a bias in his favor. He has given few facts. What we do know is that they changed their relationship and that they remain involved with each other to some degree. That's it.

Then there is the truth of their story. The truth is always miss-understood because of the perception factor. From either of their points of view they will see the facts differently from how they really are and, even from how third-party watchers, such as us, see them.

Ideally, the best thing for them both is marriage counseling. For that to happen he needs to initiate a line of communication with her. If he isn't going to share more of the situation and cannot be honest with himself enough to tell us what's going on then there isn't anything we can do to assist him but to encourage him to seek help to resolve his problems. This may or may not be either of their faults. This may even be one very big miss understanding but because of their lack of communication, with each other and us, it just won't be worked out.

A professor of mine once told me, "Things aren't nearly as bad as they seem. If you confront your problems, you will often find simple solutions to problems that seem larger than life. For the problems that are truly large, seeking help is as easy as just asking." she went on to say, "we have two ears and two eyes but only one mouth. If we look and listen then we are bound to learn four times as much as what we think we know when we talk." Sure, talking is important. It is so important that when she talks he should really be listening hard. The same goes for her.

Peace and blessings to you, thing fish. My thoughts to share...from observations of marriages, both mine and friends, and some studying about it all.
The person who is "left behind" usually had no clue as to the person's leaving. To the left behind, all was going well, why did s/he leave? The person who left was not getting something out of the relationship.
People stay in a relationship as long as they're getting something out of it, even a highly dysfunctional relationship.

Trust me, you don't want to stay in a relationship that is no longer good for you. You deserve better for your Life. Don't, don't settle for less.
And you have to learn to love yourself first, so you'll have love to give to others. You CAN find someone to love, love in greater abundance, it's possible. When that happens, you will know, because that person makes you love yourself, too. With "true love", you'll be the happiest you'll ever be. It will take work to get yourself ready for and to find "true love", but it's worth it. You want intimacy, you deserve intimacy.

Life is sometimes very painful, but then so can be giving birth to a child, but it's worth it, look what you get, another human being. From pain can come a new you, the "you" you were meant to be, you wanted to be all along in your heart.

Things will not be the same, they can't. Life goes on. We experience many "deaths" in our lives, and a relationship breaking up, a divorce, is a death. We suffer a "death" to our dreams and hopes sometimes, and we must recreate new hopes and dreams to survive.

No matter what "dies", Life continues to go on. Life goes on with you or without you. To me, I'ld rather see what I can do with Life, live it to the fullest, now, each moment.
A child learns to walk by falling down and getting up, by hanging on then letting go. The letting go can be scary, but letting go moves us forward.

Peace and blessings.

reply to post by thing fish


I am sorry for your loss brother. Find a better match down the road a piece and you will forget about what happened. When two people are in love it creates this third entity. Sometimes that entity is kept alive by one and not the other and it just lingers on if you let it. Just let it go brother and you will start to heal.

I am in the exact opposite situation and wish my wife would stop grieving over me and get out of my life. She just will not let go and to tell you the truth that is a painful thing to do to someone. I care for her but it can be so draining to have someone carry the torch for you.

Maybe if you let go the love will return, but if you smother it that love will die for sure.

Good luck to you.

i'm never going to get over her. we now have the strangest relationship ever. i stay the night over there maybe 2 times a week. we have dinner together and watch a movie. we even sleep in the same bed. there is no intamacy there, just friendship

Ouch man...that's like repeatedly bashing your head against a wall because you're a masochist....(just as she is a sadist for putting you through it)....

...thing is i want it to be back the way it was and she does not.

See, you've admitted it here...but not to yourself. Do you see this changing? I'm betting not...?

i love going over there and being with her and being with my dog but i always crash when i get back home.

Any chance of you getting the dog? Seriously....

i swear i lose my will to live and then when i am over there with her it's like things are all better again.

Wow...she's really got you wrapped up man...but nothing and nobody is worth doing that.... Something tells me she's well aware how wrapped up she's got you too....

part of me feels like i need to sever all ties with her

If there's no kids involved, listen to this part of you.... It's hard to heal after getting shot if you leave the bullet in...(and keep fingering the hole)....

and the other part wants to take her whatever way i can get her.

This is your closet masochism....on some level you must enjoy mentally torturing yourself (many artists do)...

it is making me suicidal though. it really is. i have been laying in bed for hours thinking of how to do it.

That's the problem...just laying around thinking about it is NOT healthy...you need to find something else to put your mental and physical energy into....whether work or play...but something.

reply to post by Gazrok


here is the thing about the dog. it's even in the divorce papers that i get him i just can't take him where i am at. i am at my parents house and they have 3 dogs already. i brought him over a couple times to try and see if they would get on but it was not happening.
i have to wait till i get a place.


maybe there is a part of me that likes to torture myself. i just can't seem to let go though. tonight is a new one. she is going over to her friends house for dinner and i am going over to her house to hang out with my dog..gonna get a pizza and order a movie on ppv and hang with my buddy while she is gone.

i'm telling ya man it's a wierd situation. i will be doing some serious self evaluation in the coming days though about cutting all ties to her. i KNOW that is what i should do and what i need to do. i just don't think i want to...can ya understand that? probably not but thats what is going on in my brain.

[edit on 26-2-2009 by thing fish]

reply to post by thing fish

here is the thing about the dog. it's even in the divorce papers that i get him i just can't take him where i am at. i am at my parents house and they have 3 dogs already. i brought him over a couple times to try and see if they would get on but it was not happening.
i have to wait till i get a place.

maybe there is a part of me that likes to torture myself. i just can't seem to let go though. tonight is a new one. she is going over to her friends house for dinner and i am going over to her house to hang out with my dog..gonna get a pizza and order a movie on ppv and hang with my buddy while she is gone.

i'm telling ya man it's a wierd situation. i will be doing some serious self evaluation in the coming days though about cutting all ties to her. i KNOW that is what i should do and what i need to do. i just don't think i want to...can ya understand that? probably not but thats what is going on in my brain.

Still nothing. What is it you want from us here? Your first post was a cry for help. Your second, you sought understanding. Now it seems you want pity. You don't get it from me. I refuse to give pity and understanding because it isn't part of your initial thread. Help was what you asked for. No one here can help you without information. You can leave out details like names and location names; that stuff is irrelevant. However, if you truly seek help from us or anyone you will have to open up. The truth will set you free. Your closed thought and any lies only serve to destroy you.

If I'm out of line Thing Fish, say so and this will be my last post. I've been posting to try and help but if you don't want it...? The opinions heard by others have been to perpetuate the continued feeling of loss and pain. This won't change. Read my posts. I can help.