posted on Sep, 15 2010 @ 09:27 PM
Soon it will be two years since this Thread began (I know I tend to push time along faster than it should). I wonder how everyone is feeling these
days? This is the kind of thread that would have prompted me to become a member had I found it back then, I cannot remember seeing this one at all.
It is nice to see it come back to the surface as I am not usually digging through past threads.
I do wish there were such a thing for those that hurt others, an Accelerated Kharma, I know of several who seem to be able to hurt others but nothing
ever brings them back to their heart. Perhaps I am witnessing the acceleration moving towards the worst end of the spectrum. As for myself, I have
taken enough beatings and I have been attacked at every measure of my life that I find myself completely surrounded by barriers. Be it my physical
barriers or my emotional ones. This does not mean I am not feeling the pain, I am just not allowing others the benefit of knowing it hurts so badly
or that I am fearful. I could give countless examples over my life but the most recent ones are the people closest to me.
My dear sweet mom has rejected me once and for all now that I called her out on her behaviors. My landlady has threatened to evict me after nearly
paying her 40k to live here over the years, a home that was once abandoned and the ceiling falling through. I did all the updating to make this place
livable, and I built all the out-buildings, the fence, and planted a wide range of herbs, flowers, and fruits. My next door neighbor has attacked me
recently, he threatened the Sheriff on me with lies of trespassing and is the reason my landlady went on the attack herself (he threatened her that he
would force her to pay for a fence on his property if she did not prevent me from walking my dog near his house). Seems impossible but her farm
actually encroaches on his and through the years he has always threatened to force her to move the concrete irrigation ditch that crosses the corner
of his; he does have cause for action on that part.
It makes me wonder why the World had gone so mad instead of embracing the truth and embracing a more loving approach; instead they choose to cause
fear and anger. My neighbor has no reason to go on such an attack, never gave any indication why other than he did catch me seeing him unload boxes
from his Work truck into his garage (he works for FED-EX). I am guessing he realized I witness his theft and has gone on the attack to prevent me
from nearing the rear of the property (my only neighbor). I realize now what I witnessed and I realize now he is a thief and a liar, I am guessing he
I have realized over the past several years that I find it harder and harder to tell a lie. Often what comes into my brain comes right out of my
mouth. At the grocery store if I ask a question and the person tells a fib as a means of getting rid of me I can tell right away they are lying. In
public if I speak to people they jump, and if and when they speak back to me I can sense the truthfulness of their hearts. I had the opportunity to
meet some new people whom I thought would be great friends, but suddenly I looked into their hearts, I had to walk away. I have had to tell other
friends that I have associated with over the past decade to please let me go because I can see they are not changing, they are not connecting at all.
I even started giving them back things that they once gave to me in hopes to bring closure to those friendships (mostly art pieces and such as I
don't typically accept gifts unless they are handmade.)
I probably have been a bit too open in my judgments and I probably do have a ton of work on this part of myself if I am going to survive what is
coming. I have barricaded the windows to my home, I have stocked up on provisions for myself and my animals, but it seems my internal work is just
beginning. I spent my entire life to get to this moment and I worked so hard at keeping some semblance of innocence within me, but people make it
harder and harder each day.
There are a few who have remained my friend, but many of them remain distant because I am not able to be anything but honest in public (they have
spouses and partners who do not respond well to truthfulness). It is OK, I too have a partner that is at my side, one who may not make it to the
other side of all of this; I cannot force anyone to begin to change and to begin to accept within what is needed.
Maybe I am fooling myself and I am the lost one, the one that has been fooled into believing in something that is not Reality-based. It sure seems
like the World is full of those who see everything going back together eventually. I still see everyone going about as if nothing is happening around
them, as if the "Status Quo" could possibly remain even though it is all crumbling around them.
Every day I say, "I am ready", but I know I am not. Every day I say, "Forgive me", and yet more and more things come to mind that require my own
Forgiveness. Every day I see the most beautiful World of Nature and I Pray for one thing, "To live a blessed life" and to be granted a "safe
passage" to the future. Sometimes I forget what day it is and sometimes I forget what the hour of the day is, I guess because it all seems so long
to me in passing and so quiet in my garden that I have worked so hard at creating. Now I sit and I wait and the months seem like years, but yet like
this very post I realize that time is slipping past us.
I stopped gardening. I stopped planting. I have been putting all of my seeds away and I seem to be abandoning even those things that bring me the
greatest joy. I know that I am not a procrastinator. I know that I do not abandon responsibilities, something is going on that is outside of myself
and I am just waiting. Maybe between my neighbor, my friends, my landlady, and the World, I finally have come to a moment when it all does not matter
any more. I keep watering my trees and my flowers but I have never been one to let things just grow, even my weeds are growing and I am letting them.
It is not that I don't care, I really do care, but I just cannot seem to want to continue with it this year, it is as if something is holding me
from wasting my efforts when it will all disappear in the blink of an eye anyways. It is very pretty here for living in the Desert, but the Desert
will reclaim this once I am gone, this has been my realization more and more each day. Even the house will crumble without me living in it, just as
it was crumbling years ago.
A few pictures of my garden to enjoy, it is all so temporary now, all of it. Sad realization but a lonely one too. I look forward to the Future when
I can begin again to turn dirt into something wonderful.
In this picture you can see my entire fence is a living fence, I like that! All of this was dirt 8 years ago.
Well, I just wanted to ramble a bit and express. I hope that everyone that was a part of this Thread comes back in from time to time to let everyone
know how they are doing. As for me, well this is the only bunker I have, I know it will be soon when I will have to walk away from all of this. I am
glad I took plenty of pictures, this was my sanctuary for so long now. Thanks for listening!