Am I just being stupid, or would you be irritated too?

My thought is the OP needs more info. However, most of the time people know instinctively what the deal is, they just hang on, lying to themselves.

When two people are into each other, they don't want to hang out with someone else.

The fact that she's studying alone with this guy tells the story.

Guarantee you she's staying things to him like "I'm confused...I don't want to hurt him (you)...' and so forth.

Trouble is you (the OP) are attached to her/the relationship and want to hang on and you already knows it's over...or that's my guess.


[edit on 16/2/2009 by Syandos]

Originally posted by Herman

So, I've been going out with this girl since October -- so about 4 months. A few months ago she told me about this "weird guy" in her class that had been blatantly hitting on her. She told me about some of the weird/sort of creepy things that he was trying to do to get her attention, we had a bit of a laugh, etc. etc.

I would seriously question just how "creepy" your girlfriend finds this guy if she allows him to go over to her apartment to study alone.

Wow, guys. Thanks for all of the responses. Like I said, I'd planned to talk to her about it this weekend, and it turned out a lot better than I thought it would because of some...interesting events. Now, here's what happened (it's a bit of a story so it's going to be kind of long...but it does get interesting.)

So, I spent the night at her place on Thursday, then dropped her off at work the next morning. I live about an hour away, and we wanted to spend the whole weekend together, so instead of driving all the way home I hung out at her work for a bit, went to the gym and ran some errands, then came back and hung out at her work until she got off so I could drive her to my place. It was only a 4 hour shift, so it wasn't a big deal. Anyway, I'm there for about an hour when the guy shows up. He shook my hand and introduced himself, then left pretty abruptly (first sign he didn't like me being there.) So I left to go to the gym, came back, and he was there again. I was talking with her, and a few minutes later 2 of his friends show up. Another 10 minutes later, and they tell her they have to go, and then leave...or so I thought. I went out to my car to grab something, and one of the guy's friends starts yelling at me! "Hey man. Quit staring at me like you're gay or something. Are you a f*ggot or something?" I couldn't believe it...I hadn't seen this kind of behavior from someone I didn't even know since Junior High. I walked over, thinking he must be joking. Sure enough, he keeps talking crap to me. Meanwhile, my gf's friend is trying to get him to shut up. So he keeps going, I asked him if he was trying to start something, he says "no," but keeps talking crap to me. Eventually, after talking some crap of my own, I tell him to shut up the next time he thinks about starting something with a stranger (In much more vulgar terms, of course,) and I walk away, back to my girlfriend's work, and explain what just happened to her.

Now, here's the thing. I'm a pretty big guy. I workout every day, I run, and I box a little. I could have taken this guy no sweat. People in general just know better than to pick a fight with me for no reason at all, and since I'm a pretty nice guy by nature, I rarely give anybody reason to. Now, is it a coincidence that a friend of the guy who I feel has been after my girlfriend for the past few months just happens to want to pick a fight with me? I think not. The whole situation allowed for a pretty smooth transition into "You know, I think something's up with your friend." And since I was already on edge from almost getting into it with this guy, I was able to communicate my point in a very clear and concise way. I told her how I feel, that I trust her, etc. I did tell her that I don't trust the guy, but also said that maybe if I get to know him better I'll feel differently. She seems very much ok with the prospect of me getting to know him better. We talked about it for a while, and it's no longer an issue to me. We spent the whole weekend together, and she's already planning things for this upcoming weekend. We pretty much have been spending Thursday night through Monday morning together for the past few weeks, and I can tell that she's still very much into me. I'm pretty perceptive in general, but even if I wasn't it's very obvious that she's not losing interest.

And just to clear a few things up...She does live about an hour away from my house (but only a half an hour from where I go to college.) She lives pretty close to her college, and she doesn't drive, so that's why they choose to meet up at her place. According to her, they study in the living room with her room-mate. So, my conclusion is essentially what it was in the beginning: When the guy found out that she had a boyfriend, he moved himself into the "friend" zone and is definitely biding his time; however, I'm certain (like I was before,) that nothing's going on between them and that she has no interest in him. It seems like things have settled for now, but I definitely don't trust this guy.

Nor should you.

No doubt he's already talked up his plans fairly well with his mates, which is why they were ribbing you (i.e. they're assuming you wouldn't put up much resistance due to him already poaching on your turf so to speak)...

You standing up to them obviously was a surprise for them, and this will force el-creepo to be more secretive in his plans.

You really need to get rid of this jerk. If you're able, confide in her girlfriends that you're not jealous, but fear for her safety, and get them on your side. If that's not feasible, use some friends to get some dirt on this guy (like when he's talking up his game about how he's going to land her, to his mates), and then have them feed this to her girlfriends...

The dude has got to go. He's obviously already played the jealousy card.
Maybe you could even make it a safety issue that they should study in a more populated area, so as not to endanger her roomate too...

i don't think the situation has gotten any better. You know that he is still after your girl and if there is one slip up where your girlfriend is in a vulnerable state he is going to move in for the kill.. I don't think being friends with him will even make a difference to his goal. But making yourself intimidating and also maybe the retribution you could deal out on him could # him in his pants. .

So, last night my girlfriend was holding a fundraiser for a club she started at her college. She invited a bunch of people (including the guy in question,) and my friend and I were the music for the evening. The guy came up after I'd finished a song, apologized for his friends/roommates, and shook my hand. I told him not to worry about it, and for the rest of the night he was really quiet. Everybody was talking and mingling, and he was mostly sticking to himself. I didn't try to start up any conversations with him or anything like that, but otherwise I'd say I was nice enough to him. I dropped my girlfriend off at school this morning (for the class she has with him,) and she called me afterward to talk. It appears that the guy is now playing the "your boyfriend hates me" card. He told her that I was acting like I hated him. I told her that I was perfectly nice to him, told him not to worry about what his friends did, that I don't hate him, etc. Her response was "Well I wasn't really paying attention so I don't really know what was going on." Essentially, she's neutral. I offered to "friend" him on facebook to make amends and she acted like she didn't think it was such a good idea. Furthermore, she seems convinced that there's something going on between me and this guy. The way I see it, he has purposefully and successfully created conflict between him and me. He's moved from a dominant "take her away" strategy to a more subtle 'make the boyfriend look like the jerk' strategy. As for my next move, I think I'm going to attempt to make amends with him, or at least convince my girlfriend that I don't hate him (After all, I really don't hate him, I just distrust him.) I think I need to be (or at least have the appearance of being) on good terms with this guy, otherwise it will be much easier for him to keep his plans secret. Additionally, it'll help my verify for sure what his intentions really are. Ugh, this is starting to feel like a game of chess. I hate chess.

Then again, I'm perfectly confident that she's still very much into me, I definitely trust her not to cheat, and I really don't think she's stupid enough to be swayed by any tricks or anything like that. Perhaps I should just let the situation be and stop worrying about it?

If you don't like the guy, you'll only make things worse trying to be phony. You can say, "Look, I think the guy's just trying to get with you. I don't hate him, but I'm not his fan club either... I'm not going to be weird about it, I trust you....I may not trust him...but my relationship is with you, and I trust you"...

But, he's going to continue to be a thorn in your side until he either loses some grace in your girl's eyes, or gets a girl of his own...(which is another angle if you have the connections to do so...maybe even suggest she fix him up with one of her girlfriends...hmm?)

I'm sorry to say this, but your girlfriend should be supporting you not worrying about the other guy's feelings.

How would she react to you if you told her he hated you?

Obviously you're not as manipulative as he is. You're worrying about saying anything negative about him, but he just comes straight out and tells her that you hate him.

If he wins, your girlfriend is going to be stuck with a manipulative creep.

Talking of which, now that you've met him can you see what it is that she found weird or creepy about him?

The problem is, you've got something to lose and he's got everything to gain.

I think you're very wise not to give her an ultimatum but I do think she needs to get her priorities straight.

Maybe you know someone else who could point out what's going on?

You need to understand that he is still participating in this game to take her away from you. But if he sees you taking part in this game to fight him off, his going to reveal it so that you are the bad one in her eyes.

What annoys me is that I get the feeling that she is still having him around as the 'fall back guy' you know. I think she knows that he likes her but she is still being naive about it. Come on if you knew a chick was spending that much time with you and getting in the way of your relationship with your girlfriend, then wouldn't you be suspicious about it. Especially if they don't have any guy friends.

Personally in this situation the first step I would take would be to talk to some of my chick friends and get some advice/opinions about this situation. Especially the ones who know me and my girl friend.

I want to state for every guy thats going to go into a relationship, you can tell the type of girl your future girlfriend will be with the friends she hangs around with. If her friends like to party all weekend and sleep with the next guy they get with, chances are she'll be the same type of chick. 'It's just a word of caution to analyze her friends while you analyze her'.. lol

Dude what are you doing? You gotta start outmaneuvering this guy man. Outsmart him.

I don't care if you gotta use Machiavellian tactics. You gotta make this guy seem like he's the bad guy. He's the a-hole, not you.

BTW you can always pull the good old, "shake-your-hand-with-a-smile-on-my face-while-I-hold-a-knife-in-the-hand-behind-my-back" maneuver lolol

All is fair in love and war. May the smartest man win.


[edit on 2/21/2009 by thehumbleone]

Originally posted by Syandos


Guarantee you she's staying things to him like "I'm confused...I don't want to hurt him (you)...' and so forth.

Never go out with a confused girl! I've seen plenty of guys getting hurt by those kind of girls, especially if the girl doesn't even give a crap about the guy, they treat guys like they are shopping for shoes and trying them on. They act like guys should not have any feelings.

One girl told my brother "there's this guy I like on msn, I'm gonna try him out, see if I like him. See if it works out. If it doesn't then maybe we can get back together......." bitch right!? lol

Her new relationship only lasted a couple of weeks, then she went out with one of my brother friends, who also got his heart broken.

Men also do this crap! I'm not forgetting that

But if she is confused and she does "care" about you, then you gotta get her to not be confused, make her know your the right one.

PS this is not any advice to the OP, I have not read it properly yet



[edit on 21-2-2009 by _Phoenix_]

Dude don't play his game, like I said in my other post before. You will be no better than him okay. Control the situation and don't let him ruin the life you and her are trying to build.

I've been in your shoes before, but I didn't take the step that were necessary to stop things going any further. Right now I have my ex saying sorry to me and wanting me back. I just hope it doesn't happen to you. Just remember there are plenty of girls out there for you. Especially for a person who can stay true to themselves.

reply to post by Herman


You need to get this guy out of you and your girlfriends life. He is pretty much accomplishing what he means to accomplish he is going to start conflict between you and your GF. He is gonna play his pity party and try to get you GF to side with him.

Get him out of your guy's relationship he is nothing but a serious roadblock, the fact you let him be for this long is unfortunate because he is already starting conflict.

Herman,

Do some thinking here. You are not required to like the guy. You are obviously trying to be civil to him ..no problem with that.

You need to tell your woman ..in no uncertain terms.. that you are not required to like the guy and both she and him should understand this concept.

You should also tell your woman in... no uncertain terms.. that you are not interested in this guys insecurities about this nor her inscurities. You are interested in a secure woman.

She can by, natural womans instincts, get you to try out for her approval by being civil with the guy on her terms and conditions..not yours.
In otherwords a susbtitution of your values, beleifs,and thinking for hers...and not only hers..but his too. This is not your role in life. Are you looking for a career in this nonsense?? You are not here to allow such default setting to play through unquestiioned and unchallanged.

Let her know in a firm manner that you are not interested in his insecurities or hers. This is called leading ..not being lead around by her or him.

This, as Sy-Gunson and others accurately stated is also not respect for you...either by her or him.
You are not here to take second or third place while socially being expected to give first place. Get a clue.

Be prepared to let this woman go if need be. This too would be leading and not being lead by her or him. You are not here to be put in such compromising positions..nor be maneuvered to accomodate such.
And stop trying out ...lead..dont be lead by her or the other guy.
This is cheap maneuvering ...stop playing this game. You need a secure woman..not drama. This is not Jerry Springer and the "Victim Dictum."
Dont play this game. It is not worth it. Nahsik is correct in thier post.

Indeed, You are being stupid here.

Thanks,
Orangetom


[edit on 16-3-2009 by orangetom1999]

You two making jokes about it didn't help. She obviously has a problem with boundaries and critical thinking, so now she probably thinks that he is interesting, or at least amusing. You have to become that interesting person instead.

Freakazoid has already communicated that he wants to have sex with her. For her to make plans to be alone with him, either she appreciates him too, or she is trying to entrap him. Either way, she is untrustworthy.

She has a guilty conscience. She is offended at being seen as untrustworthy because she tries too hard to trust others. In other words, she's selfish and irresponsible in ways that you can't handle. Coupled with her "magical thinking" she's probably making up excuses to go along with whatever people suggest, including that freakazoid. You should sit down and ask her seriously why is she with you. Don't accept a vague answer like "she loves you" or "you treat her well." If her answer doesn't describe you, then it's unacceptable. If I had a nickel for every time a female told me something vague just to shut me up ...

If she's lying to you just to bust your balls, well, let's just say she'd have a reserved spot with her name on it -- in Hell.

Part of the problem with feminism is that women nowadays think that they have everything under control. After realizing that they don't, they become disillusioned and defensive, sometimes to the point of violence. A good woman knows when to let her man take over, and doesn't use all kinds of weird tactics to express her wishes.

Dump this idiot. She needs to be taught a lesson, and you don't need that kind of energy around you. Life is too short.

If she's got a nice set, get a last squeeze in, but then Jessica Simpson that chick to the curb right afterwards.

reply to post by Herman


Women are just as sexually motivated and devious as men.
If she is not cheating on you now with this guy.. she may soon.
Especially if there is turmoil in your relationship.

Women do not all of a sudden start hanging out with the "weird" guy unless they have a thing for them. There is no "pity" thing as another poster said.

Seriously.. I am not kidding here, any woman who has told you about a "weird" guy is DEFLECTING his flirting. She needs to talk about it (him), she see's you all the time so she tells YOU but she adds the "weird" part and the giggles to lessen your jealousy.

Perhaps at the time she wasn't "into" that guy at all but he wasn't repulsive or anything either so she couldn't just tell you a guy was flirting without giving you something negative along with it to appease your jealousy.

Have you ever told your girlfreind that some others girls rear end was fat or something while actually thinking to yourself how hot she was?

Telling your girl about the other girls inadequacies put her at ease and allowed you to look at the hot chick without guilt, because now you are just looking at the hot chick as a girl with a "fat" rear end .

It's kind of like that...

it doesn't matter what the other guys intentions are.. it never does, it's all her. Half a billion guys would line up right now to move in on your girl, what does this guy matter?

It's all about her.

You need to immediately talk about it.

In my opinion, they probably are messing around. But, you guys aren't married, or engaged. So, talk heed to my words; all is fair play. Try not to be so naive. That's not easy to do for nice/good people who are young.

But you'll learn as you get older.

reply to post by gormly


Dead on my friend. Right on the money.

Getting someone who is so young to understand this isn't a reality, it comes with experience and wisdom.

My advice. GET OUT THERE AND FIND YOURSELF YOUR OWN "WEIRD" GIRL TO "STUDY" WITH!

(And by studying I mean study each others biology) The weird guy was successful.


[edit on 20-3-2009 by Electro38]

Originally posted by Electro38
In my opinion, they probably are messing around. But, you guys aren't married, or engaged. So, talk heed to my words; all is fair play. Try not to be so naive. That's not easy to do for nice/good people who are young.

But you'll learn as you get older.

There are too many risks out there for people nowadays to engage in "open relationships"

He is waiting for something to go wrong between you and your gf! It's only a matter of time before she starts confiding in him and starts asking him for advice and he tries to spend more time with her and your relationship slowly goes south....normally it wouldn't be a big deal except that you say guy has been trying to make a move on her...
Don't make a big deal just yet, but if she spends more time with him than with you, there is a big problem.

I should know...