Help In Domestic Disputes Is Only For Women, Men Are Totally Ignored

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.......:bnghd:

We went to a marriage counselor for the last few weeks, we really tried to work it out. We talked about all the issues that are ripping us apart, and it isn't working.:shk:

He's back in the home after some reconciliation, but the SHTF again tonight.

It all seemed good, we had a great day. But then he tried to remove my head with an ice shovel.

I LOVE YOU, I REALLY LOVE YOU.....he says
But how can you love someone and try to kill them at the same time.

The responding officers were great.
It was the first time I put out a call and all the officers were women.
I had to tell the one that stayed with me that she should turn in her badge for a psychiatric degree. She stayed with me for over an hour while the other two officers searched the area and knocked on doors. She was so reassuring and a comfort to have around at a very bad time.

All three officers were amazing and handled the situation professionally. I don't know how they do it, such a tough job, but one thing for sure, I appreciate the compassion they had for my situation.

Girls with guns are my kind of people.
A big thank-you to those ladies that risk so much to help an old fag like me.

AD, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you stay safe and realize you have people that care about you. Healing will come.

edit due to faulty link.

[edit on 9-3-2009 by whitewave]

Sadly, I've considered suicide over this situation.:shk:

My thoughts were running along the lines that I would hurt him by harming myself. I realize now that harming myself is just that, I would be the one most hurt.

I'm in a panic over going to a Justice of the Peace tomorrow, but I need a peace bond to feel secure. We used to have a 24 hour JP at city cells and it would have been nice to see him tonight, but cut backs will force me to wait until the main court house opens in the morning. And even then, getting a justice to hear my case will take hours.

I just feel so crushed right now, but I think I'll survive this.

reply to post by anxietydisorder


AD, I hope you got some rest last night so you can prepare yourself for your meeting with the JP this morning. I'm glad you realize that suicide is not the answer and will do nothing to change your partner's actions or attitude.

I found that when going through these situations one tends to experience all 5 stages of grieving. It's hard to deal with grieving while also needing to take care of business but your safety is the primary concern.

Twenty years is a long investment in a relationship but if it needs to end in order for you to be safe, then it needs to end. If you still love this person then maybe you can let him know that when he has straightened out his issues and behaved himself for at least a YEAR then you might consider taking him back. Until then, you have to take care of you first.

Today will be a rough day but we're all still here for you. Peace to you.

No none deserves to be in a violent relationship. No one that truly loves you would ever hurt you, or attempt to hurt you. That isn't love that is someone who wishes to control you and thats not right.

From what I have read you have given this guy ample opportunity to change his tune and you have given it your best shot. You deserve much better than the likes of him and you know it deep down.

When I lived in Florida usually the judge would issue a permanent restraining order in such cases. I believe you should try for the same. I don't believe that violent people will change. It's not in their nature. You should never have to fear the one you love, that's not love.

It is time to cut this chump out of your life. It will be hard on your heart because you do have feelings for him. But is your feelings more important than your life? I personally don't think so. I think it would be better for you to get rid of this guy, spend some time alone to get in touch with what is good about you and eventually move on.

In my opinion it's time to cut any ties with this guy. He has shown that he is a violent control freak and you don't have to put up with that. He has shown that your safety means nothing to him and that is wrong. No one deserves to be in a violent relationship. No one.

You deserve better. Remember to love and respect yourself and you will find someone that sees that and loves and respects you for it. Anyone that doesn't, doesn't deserve your time.

reply to post by anxietydisorder


Ever heard of the Louisville Slugger helpline? Guarantees he won't try it again.

Peace

So how did your day go, AD? You haven't checked in and we're a little worried. You ok buddy?

I'm doing OK right now, I managed to catch up on some sleep.
I have my maintenance man coming today to change locks.

My friends are helping me out by handling some of my work and just being there to talk to. I'll be fine as time goes by and things get done.

I have seen this gender bias everywhere and have heard it on radio commercials offering help to women who have been abused by men, physically or mentally.

Men can be just as easily emotionally abused through the use of cruel snide remarks, head games and endless nagging. Some men are in fact physically abused. I have heard of women even beating their own faces against walls and then blame their spouse for the damage. It's even become fashionable for women to accuse their former husbands of sexually abusing the children so the women gets an upper hand against the husband and custody of the kids.

Women, please contemplate the following words from the song "And When the Night Comes" by Jon Anderson and Vangelis:

"The woman in your soul, creates the man you hold."
Click this link to hear the song:

www.youtube.com...

You have way more power over your man than you realise. Don't abuse it and learn how to use it to build him up.


[edit on 10/3/09 by John Matrix]

reply to post by anxietydisorder


This label for your thread confused me. It sounds as though it was written from the male perspective.

"Help In Domestic Disputes Is Only For Women, Men Are Totally Ignored"

I wish I could help you. But right now all I have is questions. Stay calm and don't push his buttons. If your intentions are to work it out then reassure him of that. It sounds like he is living on an emotional level. In that case you have it within you to calm him down or push him over the edge.

Both of you will need to break free of your desire to control, dominate, and manipulate each other and free yourselves of your false ego B.S..



[edit on 11/3/09 by John Matrix]

Originally posted by MCoG1980
Man, you need to get out of that relationship, been there, done that, not good, 8 years later no change. They turn it around to make YOU feel bad, and even sorry for them, don't fall for it, they KNOW they are doing this, they are aware. As long as you let them, they will keep doing it. Your Vulnerability and your love is all they need to pray on, and they will.

I am quite concerned for you now dude, seriously, it isn't worth it, he doesn't respect you. YOU are worth more, and DESERVE better. Sometimes you need to respect yourself and you owe it to yourself to be with someone who respects you.

Ever want a chat just u2U me, feel for you mate.

With all due respect, playing the blame game without ever having met this couple is really unfair.

They need some time apart, that is for certain, and they both need to do some inventory and house cleaning.

This person already intimated that she thinks it can be worked out. Reading between the lines here, I get a clear signal that this woman could have assisted in bringing this on. Look at her aggressively talking about being able to physically handle her man for example. What's that about?

You don't just counsel someone to toss away a 20 year relationship based on this small amount of information.

Sorry, but I think your advice makes you sound like a man hater.

I just want to make it very clear to everyone that we are both males.
Yes, he is my husband of 20 years, but we are both men.

For some reason society frowns on a man hitting a woman but if it's two men in a domestic dispute it's viewed differently. The police have told me that if I had defended myself to the point of injuring him as well that they would simply arrest us both. We would both sit in jail and they would let a judge sort it out.

If a woman defends herself it would likely be just the man going to jail.:shk:

So, is today a better day, AD? Got your locks changed? Taking care of legal issues? It helps to keep busy and not think too much about WHY you're having to do all those things. Do you have a good support system; friends and family to stay with you and give you moral support?

To OP, I hope you're doing well in this point of your life, please be strong and be comforted in the knowledge that you have friends who care for your physical and emotional safety.

Don't despair for we are here for you.

Whenever you feel like you need to let something out of your chest just post it in your thread. Just let it out.

Question: after 20 yrs of marriage why did he recently acted out so violently? Have you asked about the cause of him lashing out on you? Did any of his/ your friends noticed any changes?

Good luck

And safe journey to where ever life leads you.

Originally posted by codex code

Question: after 20 yrs of marriage why did he recently acted out so violently?

I'm lost on that one.
I can't point the finger entirely at alcohol, and I can't say that I've ever been the aggressor. We've only very rarely even argued in the past, but something changed in the last year.

Have you asked about the cause of him lashing out on you?

He says he's sorry and blames it on being drunk at the time.
In many ways I feel the alcohol just allows him to speak what's really on his mind.


Did any of his/ your friends noticed any changes?

Yeah, a few people took me aside and warned me to be careful.
As things changed over the last while people have mentioned it to me.

What's going on with this.

Originally posted by John Matrix

 

 

I'm interested in what you have to say..........

Originally posted by anxietydisorder

Originally posted by codex code

Question: after 20 yrs of marriage why did he recently acted out so violently?

I'm lost on that one.
I can't point the finger entirely at alcohol, and I can't say that I've ever been the aggressor. We've only very rarely even argued in the past, but something changed in the last year.

Have you asked about the cause of him lashing out on you?

He says he's sorry and blames it on being drunk at the time.
In many ways I feel the alcohol just allows him to speak what's really on his mind.

I think I mentioned this earlier in the thread, but I really think that Alanon might be a good support for you. At least their literature, if you don't want to do the meeting thing.

Speaking as an alcoholic, it's not that uncommon for us to use drunkenness as an excuse to lash out at people around us, even when we're really most disgusted with ourselves. I have no way to know if your husband actually is an alcoholic, but a lot of the things you've said sound very familiar to me.

What's going on with this.

Originally posted by John Matrix

I'm interested in what you have to say..........

I think I saw that post earlier, and it was basically just saying that he thought you should have been clearer in your OP that you were both men, and that he thought you had left him open to embarrassment because he assumed that you were a woman being abused by a man.

Originally posted by americandingbat

I think I saw that post earlier, and it was basically just saying that he thought you should have been clearer in your OP that you were both men, and that he thought you had left him open to embarrassment because he assumed that you were a woman being abused by a man.

I don't know why the post was deleted then. My original post at the start of the thread included this exact quote.

Originally posted by anxietydisorder

But not a single entry for men going through spousal abuse.

I've found a marriage councilor that takes gay couples, he's also gay, but he just seems to be bringing up all the dirt and our relationship is worse.
On March 1st we'll have been together for 20 years, and now it's falling apart.

I thought I was clear in my first post that we are gay, but my real point was that there were few services for men going through abuse.
And yet women had many agencies to help them if they're in the same situation I am.

reply to post by anxietydisorder


Well, you know how bad we ATSers sometimes are about actually reading the entire OP

I thought you were perfectly clear about it too. And I think you're absolutely right that domestic abuse is almost always addressed under the assumption that it will involve a woman being abused by a man, rather than the several other possibilities.

Reading this thread it's also become increasingly clear that there is a need for services targeted at homosexual couples, because some of the issues you have faced are ones that as a woman I simply wouldn't. For instance, the risk that if you defended yourself physically, you might be viewed by the police as equally responsible -- I think for a woman in a domestic dispute that judgment is only made in extreme cases.

Anyway, my best wishes are with you while you get through this difficult time. Stay safe.