President Bush practiced his speaking skills before a panel of professional critics this morning in preparation for what promises to be an acrimonious
press conference slated for 8:30 EST this evening.
And so just before noon, in a secure sound studio in northern Alabama, the president performed a spirited spoken-word rendition of The Yellow Rose of
Texas for American Idol critics Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and the abrasive Englishman, Simon Cowell.
Here is a transcript of their responses:
Randy Jackson: Aiiiiiit, dogg, 'sup man? Man, I gotta tell ya, man, that wasn't your best performance. A little bit pitchy, man. Just no soul there
at all. Sorry, man.
Paula Abdul: You know, Mr. President, you really showed a lot of, uh, courage by coming out here, and I want you to know I really, really respect you
for that. I think you look great, by the way, just fantastic. But, I gotta agree with Randy, a little pitchy, I just didn't think you really went for
it, you know? But you look great. And courageous. Good job.
Simon Cowell (pauses, crosses arms): So. The crown was handed down from your father, eh?
Honestly, George, that was the best argument I've ever heard against freedom of speech.
Your facial expressions are ludicrous; you look like you're constipated, or stupid. Or stupid and constipated.
And your voice hasn't the slightest hint of nuance. Not...one...iota. Neither has your philosophy, I'm afraid.
The very idea that you earned this audience is absurd. If it weren't for Mr. Murdoch, you wouldn't be on this stage at all. Period.
You should be running a mediocre baseball team somewhere hot and dusty, that's what I think.
I'm afraid this is as far as you're going, George. You were lucky to make it this far.
It's the end of the road for you. Pack your bags. And don't steal any silverware on your way out.
The FOX Network declined to comment on the incident, as did the White House.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair, however, immediately apologized for Cowell's remarks, though he did agree that the president was a bit pitchy.
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I'm still cracking up from this one !